One of Those Novembers (With Pics)

I feel like I haven't drawn breath since Halloween, and December will probably feel every bit as fast moving. I didn't do any kind of gratitude focus for November and that probably didn't help but honestly, this was one of those months where I feel like my mind was on the eternal picture a great deal but I struggled to feel grateful. It got to the point where Terence banished me to sit outside in the sunlight in hopes that I could bring my mood up. It helped, but sometimes I guess you just have to grieve, and even sunlight doesn't help enough.

My cousin Tara died on Halloween. Tara has been very public about her brain cancer journey, from when she was first diagnosed way back in the day to the increasingly brutal last weeks. (Early blogging days, if you remember those! Lately it was more on Instagram and Facebook.) I won't recap it here, but let's just say I have known some amazing people who radiate light and positivity and Tara was one of them. Even when you know she's gone on to bigger and better things, and you know you'll see her again (both things I feel confident of) the loss is still huge-- and just heartbreaking when you know her immediate family is grappling with the hardest part-- how to go on living without someone who means the world to you.

Now if you'll remember from my last post, I had a five day nerve test scheduled for the second week of November. Because timing is awesome, I was smack in the middle of that test for Tara's funeral. It was...not fun. I said I didn't really know many details about how it would work and that was one hundred percent accurate. *TMI WARNING* (Do not read any further if you do not want details about how this went.) 

My doctor didn't lie about anything (well, except about the part that "this will only hurt a bit") but he was vague and I think that was on purpose. If he'd explained anything in detail I never would have had the courage to go through with it. Basically, they numbed up my lower back and then using two huge needles (per Terence, as I couldn't see it) they inserted two wires into just about the lowest part of my back near my spinal cord. Those wires were attached to a battery pack that was belted into place on my waist. They turned up the frequency enough that I could feel it in my pelvic floor (and let me tell you, that is not a comfortable feeling either). Then I had to go the next five days tracking if it made any difference in my overactive bladder syndrome.

Unfortunately, no. It did not make a lick of difference. (I had to keep a diary of "events" before and during, and just in case you are wondering what that means, I have to pee about 18-24 times a day, with an average of getting up 4 times a night. My life revolves around knowing where the nearest bathroom is.) I think that was the most discouraging part. It was pretty clear by day three that this is not a treatment that will work for me (and definitely not worth the surgery to do a permanent battery insertion under the skin, which is why they do a test run like this beforehand). But the only reason we got to this point is because pretty much every other option either did not work for me or is not a good option for me because of other health conditions. Soooo....most likely this is going to continue to be my life. I'll survive, even with the broken sleep, but there was some depression about it because I got my hopes up that my life would get a little more back to normal. Then after all that, I had to get the wires out. It sucked worse than the wires going in. Do they numb you up again? No. They rip off the sticky plastic covering, which is like getting a wax job, and then the CNA pulls the wires out one at a time-- which makes you feel a bit like you are being electrocuted. I kid you not. My left leg reacted with sciatic nerve pain which has been troubling me now for two weeks. Yay. But I guess before I did this test I prayed that I would know for certain whether this surgery was the right thing for me and the answer was a clear, emphatic no. *END TMI WARNING*

We also (right in the middle of the same fun stuff) celebrated my baby turning 13. Yes, S is officially a teenager. It's strange to think that she is no longer a "little" but on the other hand, she was three going on thirteen back in the day, so it also feels like she's had a teenage attitude for a long time so now her age matches (no, she's not rebellious, but she is a little snark machine, probably comes from listening to four older siblings all her life).

Now it wouldn't be November without NaNoWriMo. I've participated since 2013, and I've managed to win every year (a win is completing a 50,000 word project during the month of November). I wasn't going to miss this month and break that run-- especially since I have some doubts about whether the official NaNoWriMo organization is going to survive another year. (Lots of drama there and the result is that this year's fundraising was about 2.4 million dollars short of what they apparently need.) In any case, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it through the month with everything that was going on. However, I squeaked by, finishing last night. Of course the novel isn't finished (none of mine ever are at only 50k words) but it was a mood lifter when I desperately needed one.

We finished up the month with a lovely Thanksgiving dinner at my sister Camie's house with almost all my side of the family and a good chunk of my brother-in-law's family as well. It was perfect weather, not too cold, the food was delicious (no smoke alarms set off this year) and my nephew's team games were great fun (even though I watched from the sidelines instead of participating this year). I treasure these moments so much more these days. Life is fragile and my parents are getting older (my dad had surgery #20 the day after Thanksgiving) so I'm grateful for every lovely memory we are still making as a family.

Oh, look, that was a gratitude moment!!! (Just in time.)

Now on to December-- and hopefully more memory-making to treasure!