Making Unity More than a Pipe Dream
"I say unto you be one, and if ye are not one ye are not mine" (D&C 38:27).
This statement from LDS scripture has been on my mind a lot recently. The general principle is one also taught by Jesus in the New Testament-- his followers are to "be one" or to be unified. The whole concept of unity-- or working smoothly together with others-- is something I've struggled with my whole life, and it is rearing its ugly head again lately.
But why is it so hard? Especially in a group of people who believe that they are all working together for something incredible, and even believe they are commanded to get along? Obviously, we are all different, with various backgrounds and unique perspectives and hence often very different opinions from our friends and neighbors. But supposedly with maturity comes the ability to compromise and find solutions with others, and more importantly, with spiritual maturity, we are supposed to lose the spirit of contention and grow in love and respect towards others.
Yeah, all that sounds great in theory, but I'm finding the practical application to be, well, supremely difficult, and last I checked I qualified as an adult. I know I'm not the only one, too, because I know of several other situations right now involving friends struggling with conflict also, either at church or school or work or in their marriages.
With difficult situations in the past, I've usually managed to mute any contentious feelings on my end by using the "run away and hide from it" strategy. Now, escape as a strategy is not always a bad option-- sometimes when you have someone determined to argue with you no matter what, it works best to just avoid the person or area of contention altogether. However, in a recent couple of situations where my gut feeling was to take the easy way out-- the "run away" option-- I felt like the Lord was telling me that no, I needed to stay in this situation and figure out a way to make it work.
Here. In the real world. Working out (somehow) problems with someone else whose opinions seem to be incompatible with what I believe is the right thing to do. Or smoothing over a situation where feelings have been hurt.
Tuesday night at cub scouts I had one of these moments. (It was a planning meeting for all the cubs and their parents.) Honestly, the night was a disaster for me. And a couple of little things happened that made me upset as all get out and I finished the evening with some very negative feelings towards some other people. On my way home, I struggled to get my feelings under control. I knew they weren't productive. I knew they were opposite to the kinds of feelings God wanted me to have about others. Still, my initial reaction to this was avoidance: "That's it, I'm done with this scouts thing. J doesn't need to do scouts. Who cares if he gets his arrow of light or goes on in Boy Scouts?"
Now keep in mind, the problem wasn't scouting, exactly. The problem was my reaction to a couple of things said and done by other women that had nothing to do with scouts. Women who are my friends, even. Yet my first plan for coping with these negative feelings was to throw a whole program out the window, something that J enjoys doing. This is just not a reasonable solution!!
Time is making me feel a little better, so maybe time and distance are a solution, if only a partial one. However, most of my other ideas involve talking things over until both parties are one the same page, and I'm just not good at that. Either I stick my foot in my mouth and say something appalling (which only divides us further), or my pride gets in the way and I can't compromise to save my life. Or-- I take the passive route of going quietly along with everything the other person says, feeling resentful the whole time. None of those tactics help me feel unified with the other person.
Help!! Does anybody have any advice? How do you get on the same page with someone when you have to work together, and you're bristling or hurt inside?
This statement from LDS scripture has been on my mind a lot recently. The general principle is one also taught by Jesus in the New Testament-- his followers are to "be one" or to be unified. The whole concept of unity-- or working smoothly together with others-- is something I've struggled with my whole life, and it is rearing its ugly head again lately.
But why is it so hard? Especially in a group of people who believe that they are all working together for something incredible, and even believe they are commanded to get along? Obviously, we are all different, with various backgrounds and unique perspectives and hence often very different opinions from our friends and neighbors. But supposedly with maturity comes the ability to compromise and find solutions with others, and more importantly, with spiritual maturity, we are supposed to lose the spirit of contention and grow in love and respect towards others.
Yeah, all that sounds great in theory, but I'm finding the practical application to be, well, supremely difficult, and last I checked I qualified as an adult. I know I'm not the only one, too, because I know of several other situations right now involving friends struggling with conflict also, either at church or school or work or in their marriages.
With difficult situations in the past, I've usually managed to mute any contentious feelings on my end by using the "run away and hide from it" strategy. Now, escape as a strategy is not always a bad option-- sometimes when you have someone determined to argue with you no matter what, it works best to just avoid the person or area of contention altogether. However, in a recent couple of situations where my gut feeling was to take the easy way out-- the "run away" option-- I felt like the Lord was telling me that no, I needed to stay in this situation and figure out a way to make it work.
Here. In the real world. Working out (somehow) problems with someone else whose opinions seem to be incompatible with what I believe is the right thing to do. Or smoothing over a situation where feelings have been hurt.
Tuesday night at cub scouts I had one of these moments. (It was a planning meeting for all the cubs and their parents.) Honestly, the night was a disaster for me. And a couple of little things happened that made me upset as all get out and I finished the evening with some very negative feelings towards some other people. On my way home, I struggled to get my feelings under control. I knew they weren't productive. I knew they were opposite to the kinds of feelings God wanted me to have about others. Still, my initial reaction to this was avoidance: "That's it, I'm done with this scouts thing. J doesn't need to do scouts. Who cares if he gets his arrow of light or goes on in Boy Scouts?"
Now keep in mind, the problem wasn't scouting, exactly. The problem was my reaction to a couple of things said and done by other women that had nothing to do with scouts. Women who are my friends, even. Yet my first plan for coping with these negative feelings was to throw a whole program out the window, something that J enjoys doing. This is just not a reasonable solution!!
Time is making me feel a little better, so maybe time and distance are a solution, if only a partial one. However, most of my other ideas involve talking things over until both parties are one the same page, and I'm just not good at that. Either I stick my foot in my mouth and say something appalling (which only divides us further), or my pride gets in the way and I can't compromise to save my life. Or-- I take the passive route of going quietly along with everything the other person says, feeling resentful the whole time. None of those tactics help me feel unified with the other person.
Help!! Does anybody have any advice? How do you get on the same page with someone when you have to work together, and you're bristling or hurt inside?
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