Emerging Teen
Disclaimer: Everything below reflects what Terence and I feel are the best decisions when raising our own kids. I'm not judging anyone else's "house rules" or decisions with their kids. Parenting is a tough, full-contact sport (sometimes literally, when you chase and tackle that escaping toddler) and I'm not presuming to tell anyone else that they are doing it the wrong way!
I have a daughter who will turn 13 this year. It will start a new (much dreaded) era for us-- parenting teenagers. In some ways I feel like we are already there (usually when we are dealing with hormonal bouts of tears or railing accusations). But in other ways, M is still just a young girl. For example, she has absolutely zero interest in "boys" (meaning in a romantic crush or attraction sense). She has a good friend at school who is a boy, and she really likes him, but doesn't "like" him, if you know what I mean. (If you ask her if there are any boys she finds cute, she'll give you a puzzled look and tell you no. I guess she could be lying, but M is more likely to straight up tell you that she doesn't want to tell you something than to be devious about it. "I'd rather not talk about it" is more her style.) She's also not a very "girly" girl, if you know what I mean. She used to like to dress up in princess dresses once upon a time, but that was about the extent of it. She's never cared much about fashion (other than a preference for the color blue) and she cares more about being comfortable than about looking good. She is my daughter in that area, that's for sure.
Anyway, when our kids were little Terence and I had set up some "house rules." Most of them mattered more to me than to him, but they were there. Ages the kids had to reach before they could do certain things, some of them coming straight from counsel from church leaders but not all. For example, we had decided that when our girls turned 8 they could decide to get their ears pierced if they liked. (This was the rule in my house growing up, and I liked it well enough to keep it. I wanted my girls to be old enough to decide for themselves, and old enough to care for their own ears.) But M being who she is, she had NO desire to get her ears pierced. She never even mentioned it. Ever. I think I asked once if she wanted to and she stared at me in horror, like I'd asked her if she wanted to go impale herself with a dagger. OK, so no earrings.
Another one of those house rules was that most makeup would not be allowed until age 14. Foundation, powder, and maybe a neutral lip gloss would be approved at age 12 (I remember the horrors of my own acne starting at a young age, and what a blessing concealer and foundation were.) The point was that we didn't want our little girl to suddenly start looking (and acting) like a 17 year old right off the bat. I'm all in favor of not making our girls grow up (and focus on looking "sexy") too early. Again, this has been a non-issue. M has not even shown a smidgen of interest in makeup. Hmmmm. Maybe it will come with time.
In fact, M had shown so little interest in some of the milestone rules we'd set up that I thought we'd pass them all without a fight. (Given her lack of interest in boys, she may not care at all that we won't allow her to date until she's 16. I seriously doubt that she will ever bemoan our no tattoos rule either, given her horror at the idea of poking a hole in her ear.)
Nope. I just thought the battles would have to be about her wanting to grow up faster than we wanted her too. But it's the opposite. The one that brought on the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth? No trick or treating after you've turned 13. Now, I know that people's opinions divide wildly on this, but I'm kind of in the camp of trick or treating is for kids, not teens. (Another rule that came from my own upbringing.) If she wants to dress up, fantastic! (Though I'm not buying her a costume.) If she wants to have a Halloween party, bring it on! If she wants to hang out and pass out the Halloween candy, perfect! She can keep all the leftover treats for herself. But no trick or treating. M is fighting this rule tooth and nail. I'm the most unreasonable, cruelest, unfairest mother of all time. I'm ruining her life. You know the teenage drama drill.
We still have seven months until Halloween and I'm already hearing about it. *sigh*
Well, I guess I should count my blessings though. Judging by B's enthusiasm for new things (she jumped at the chance to pierce her ears), we may have a wholly different experience with her. I've learned this much about parenting: I reserve the right to change the house rules later. You never know what experience will teach us along the way, and all the kids will have something unique to challenge the system.
I need to look at the teenage era with enthusiasm! What a learning experience it will be for all of us, right? (Positive thinking, positive thinking....)
I have a daughter who will turn 13 this year. It will start a new (much dreaded) era for us-- parenting teenagers. In some ways I feel like we are already there (usually when we are dealing with hormonal bouts of tears or railing accusations). But in other ways, M is still just a young girl. For example, she has absolutely zero interest in "boys" (meaning in a romantic crush or attraction sense). She has a good friend at school who is a boy, and she really likes him, but doesn't "like" him, if you know what I mean. (If you ask her if there are any boys she finds cute, she'll give you a puzzled look and tell you no. I guess she could be lying, but M is more likely to straight up tell you that she doesn't want to tell you something than to be devious about it. "I'd rather not talk about it" is more her style.) She's also not a very "girly" girl, if you know what I mean. She used to like to dress up in princess dresses once upon a time, but that was about the extent of it. She's never cared much about fashion (other than a preference for the color blue) and she cares more about being comfortable than about looking good. She is my daughter in that area, that's for sure.
Anyway, when our kids were little Terence and I had set up some "house rules." Most of them mattered more to me than to him, but they were there. Ages the kids had to reach before they could do certain things, some of them coming straight from counsel from church leaders but not all. For example, we had decided that when our girls turned 8 they could decide to get their ears pierced if they liked. (This was the rule in my house growing up, and I liked it well enough to keep it. I wanted my girls to be old enough to decide for themselves, and old enough to care for their own ears.) But M being who she is, she had NO desire to get her ears pierced. She never even mentioned it. Ever. I think I asked once if she wanted to and she stared at me in horror, like I'd asked her if she wanted to go impale herself with a dagger. OK, so no earrings.
Another one of those house rules was that most makeup would not be allowed until age 14. Foundation, powder, and maybe a neutral lip gloss would be approved at age 12 (I remember the horrors of my own acne starting at a young age, and what a blessing concealer and foundation were.) The point was that we didn't want our little girl to suddenly start looking (and acting) like a 17 year old right off the bat. I'm all in favor of not making our girls grow up (and focus on looking "sexy") too early. Again, this has been a non-issue. M has not even shown a smidgen of interest in makeup. Hmmmm. Maybe it will come with time.
In fact, M had shown so little interest in some of the milestone rules we'd set up that I thought we'd pass them all without a fight. (Given her lack of interest in boys, she may not care at all that we won't allow her to date until she's 16. I seriously doubt that she will ever bemoan our no tattoos rule either, given her horror at the idea of poking a hole in her ear.)
Nope. I just thought the battles would have to be about her wanting to grow up faster than we wanted her too. But it's the opposite. The one that brought on the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth? No trick or treating after you've turned 13. Now, I know that people's opinions divide wildly on this, but I'm kind of in the camp of trick or treating is for kids, not teens. (Another rule that came from my own upbringing.) If she wants to dress up, fantastic! (Though I'm not buying her a costume.) If she wants to have a Halloween party, bring it on! If she wants to hang out and pass out the Halloween candy, perfect! She can keep all the leftover treats for herself. But no trick or treating. M is fighting this rule tooth and nail. I'm the most unreasonable, cruelest, unfairest mother of all time. I'm ruining her life. You know the teenage drama drill.
We still have seven months until Halloween and I'm already hearing about it. *sigh*
Well, I guess I should count my blessings though. Judging by B's enthusiasm for new things (she jumped at the chance to pierce her ears), we may have a wholly different experience with her. I've learned this much about parenting: I reserve the right to change the house rules later. You never know what experience will teach us along the way, and all the kids will have something unique to challenge the system.
I need to look at the teenage era with enthusiasm! What a learning experience it will be for all of us, right? (Positive thinking, positive thinking....)
Comments
I like the makeup rule, that is a good age.