Bitter (Now Sweet) Memories

My first love broke my heart.

OK, he wasn't my one true love, and we didn't have a grand love affair.  But when I was almost sixteen I met a boy who was my friend's boyfriend's friend (does that make sense?) and we hit it off right away.  I wasn't allowed to officially date until I was 16, but on my sixteenth birthday, he brought me a dozen roses (I wanted to swoon), took me to dinner and then to the regional youth dance, where he made sure that they publicly announced it and dedicated a song to me.  It was a fantastic birthday, and I was smitten right off the bat.

So Troy and I were then "together" and I had my first boyfriend, and I was literally soaring in the clouds, constantly.  I felt like every romantic plot line of a book or a movie had finally come true for me.  Troy wasn't drop dead gorgeous, but he was nice and funny and considerate, and best of all, he really seemed to like me.  That was good enough for me.

I think my parents went into shock.  I was the oldest, the first one to take them for the scary ride of teenage dating.  Everyone was so worried.  Troy was almost 18, but he didn't have a job, he wasn't doing well in school, and he had no plans to serve a mission.  I even got lectured from my uncle (who I barely saw ever, but happened to be in town during this time period) about how I shouldn't date someone I wouldn't consider marrying-- and I think I rolled my eyes and thought, "I'm sixteen, for heaven's sake!!!  Who's thinking about marriage?")

Really, it wasn't so bad.  We lived 30 minutes apart from each and went to different high schools.  We only saw each other Friday nights for a date of some kind and then Saturday nights where we would meet up at a stake dance (since I was only allowed one date a week).  We did talk on the phone a lot, which must have been super annoying, back in the days of no cell phones.  We tied up the only phone line in the house.  But when Troy stayed in school long enough just to purchase tickets to the February formal and then dropped out, I started to feel heavy waves of disapproval.  Possibly it was only in my imagination, but it felt like my parents wished that Troy would just drop out of my life.

Well, if they did they got their wish granted.

When Troy and I had been dating for about three months (so short, but it felt like so much longer!), something went wrong.  Honestly, I don't remember what caused the coolness, but I knew something was wrong before the end.  Probably just that we were teenagers and stupid.  Anyway, Troy had been super excited because he'd gotten the DJ job for his stake dance and really wanted me to be there.  I was being a snot for some reason and told him that no, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it since it was my mother's birthday (though my mom had no plans that included me for that night).  At the last minute, I decided I would go anyway and try to patch things up.  I really missed him and wanted to make things right.  That was the night I decided to fix things.

When I got to the dance I went to the stage right off the bat to let Troy know that I had come after all.  Troy gave me the weirdest fake smile I had ever seen and said he was busy.  Obviously, because he was the DJ right?  But the next song he put on was the slow song that I had told him I considered "our song" (I think it was the first song we ever danced to).  Then he got down off the stage and asked the girl standing right by me to dance.

I took it like a full-face slap, literally running out of the room.  My friend found me and confirmed the worst-- it wasn't just a random girl that Troy had asked.  It was his new girl.  He had been dating her for the last two weeks.  I was devastated.  Probably as much I ever have been by a guy, even considering everything that came later.  The guy who knew how to be sweet and win a starry-eyed romantic's heart also knew how to plunge a screwdriver in and twist.  The highs I had experienced the few months before came crashing down into lows that persisted-- and dragged on-- and endured way beyond what any teenager should feel over a guy she only dated for a few months.  I couldn't listen to the song; I literally cried every time I heard it play for the next year.  Fortunately for my sanity it was a short-lived favorite at stake dances!

This afternoon while I was cleaning the kitchen the song came on my Pandora station.  (Pandora really comes up with some random stuff for me.)  I didn't recognize it right off the bat, but found myself singing along with it and remembering my sophomore year of high school quite fondly.  Toward the end of the song, I finally placed it and took the road down memory lane that I just shared here.  The funny thing is I can look back on the whole situation and smile now.  It's not that it wasn't painful at the time, but with the perspective that the rest of my life experiences so far have brought me it was just an experience I went through.  Something that helped shape me into the person I am, and something I learned from.  

I suspect that after this life most of the experiences that feel so devastating and impossibly difficult to me now will feel like the memory of my first broken heart.  Something I learned from and something that I appreciate, and worth remembering.

It's just hard to remember that here and now!

(In case you are curious, here is the song that brought such memories.  Enjoy!)