Lifting my Partner
Every six months our church has a general conference broadcast from the headquarters in Salt Lake. It is held for five sessions of two hours each over a two day period. The speakers include our prophet and other church leaders, both men and women, with a wide range of experience and wisdom. Most of all, they are people who seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost and then share that inspiration with us. When I was a kid, I paid little attention to this conference at all. In fact, I didn't really sit down and watch a session of conference with any intent to learn anything until I was in college.
When I did, I was blown away.
There was so much wisdom there. So much opportunity to help me in my daily life and in my quest to become like Heavenly Father.
Lately I've been studying the conference talks during the year, treating them as part of my regular scripture study. This morning I read "We'll Ascend Together," an address given by Linda K. Burton during last October's conference. It really struck me forcefully this morning because she was discussing something that I've felt I need to work on. I decided to share it hear because I know from my own conversations with friends that there is a need for improvement in this area generally, and I think it would significantly increase our marital happiness and the happiness of our children.
What is this great advice?
Well, it is to make a more conscious effort to build up the men in our lives, especially our husbands. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had where things degenerate into a complaint session about those clueless/insensitive/frustrating men in our lives. I'm not saying that our husbands don't behave in clueless, insensitive, frustrating ways. But I think that we're creating a culture among women where it is almost expected that we will criticize our husbands.
Think of the toxic effect this can have on our children. (They often hear us talk like this.) The messages they receive are things like "my dad is a deadbeat," "my dad is lazy,""my dad doesn't deserve any respect," and "my mom doesn't love my dad." Now, whether we like to admit it or not, our children are our husbands' kids as well as our own. They know this. Any attack on their father can be felt as an attack on them personally. Also, encouraging them to disrespect their father is just another recipe for family disaster. Finally, what are we teaching our children is the main message they get from us is that we don't love or respect our spouses? What kind of marriage will they have one day?
All of these thoughts have been swirling in my mind. I have a great husband. Terence is a considerate, hard-working man who is a significant blessing in our lives. He is my partner, my biggest ally in this life. We stand together. Except when I'm being disrespectful or critical or mocking, either out of frustration or because I don't want to stand out as the woman who is praising her man to the skies while all around her are murmuring about hers (it feels like bragging sometimes). But when I put myself in Terence's shoes, and try to imagine him speaking about me with his coworkers and friends and family the way I do about him sometimes, I feel hurt and betrayed. Not like we are partners at all.
I plan to do better. Of all my earthly loyalties, Terence comes first. His is my eternal companion, the one person who has my back no matter what. I intend to help him with his weakness, not tear him down, so our relationship will be strong and he can help me as well. Not only will our own marriage be stronger for it, I think our children will be happier too.
When I did, I was blown away.
There was so much wisdom there. So much opportunity to help me in my daily life and in my quest to become like Heavenly Father.
Lately I've been studying the conference talks during the year, treating them as part of my regular scripture study. This morning I read "We'll Ascend Together," an address given by Linda K. Burton during last October's conference. It really struck me forcefully this morning because she was discussing something that I've felt I need to work on. I decided to share it hear because I know from my own conversations with friends that there is a need for improvement in this area generally, and I think it would significantly increase our marital happiness and the happiness of our children.
What is this great advice?
Well, it is to make a more conscious effort to build up the men in our lives, especially our husbands. I can't tell you how many conversations I've had where things degenerate into a complaint session about those clueless/insensitive/frustrating men in our lives. I'm not saying that our husbands don't behave in clueless, insensitive, frustrating ways. But I think that we're creating a culture among women where it is almost expected that we will criticize our husbands.
Think of the toxic effect this can have on our children. (They often hear us talk like this.) The messages they receive are things like "my dad is a deadbeat," "my dad is lazy,""my dad doesn't deserve any respect," and "my mom doesn't love my dad." Now, whether we like to admit it or not, our children are our husbands' kids as well as our own. They know this. Any attack on their father can be felt as an attack on them personally. Also, encouraging them to disrespect their father is just another recipe for family disaster. Finally, what are we teaching our children is the main message they get from us is that we don't love or respect our spouses? What kind of marriage will they have one day?
All of these thoughts have been swirling in my mind. I have a great husband. Terence is a considerate, hard-working man who is a significant blessing in our lives. He is my partner, my biggest ally in this life. We stand together. Except when I'm being disrespectful or critical or mocking, either out of frustration or because I don't want to stand out as the woman who is praising her man to the skies while all around her are murmuring about hers (it feels like bragging sometimes). But when I put myself in Terence's shoes, and try to imagine him speaking about me with his coworkers and friends and family the way I do about him sometimes, I feel hurt and betrayed. Not like we are partners at all.
I plan to do better. Of all my earthly loyalties, Terence comes first. His is my eternal companion, the one person who has my back no matter what. I intend to help him with his weakness, not tear him down, so our relationship will be strong and he can help me as well. Not only will our own marriage be stronger for it, I think our children will be happier too.
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