A Period of Calm-- Kind Of

We are now well into a new school year here-- about this point in August every year is when I start to settle in and have some kind of new routine. Of course with three kids out of school but all five still living at home this has been a much different routine than years past. Most days J picks up K from school and I am part of a carpool for S, so at least I don't have to make it to both schools twice a day. But my schedule doesn't feel less busy. Different, but not less busy. 

I am feeling quite a bit recovered from my surgery now, but still not back to my full self yet. I tend to push myself too hard and then pay for it when extreme exhaustion sets in and my abdomen hurts. I moaned a bit to Terence about it yesterday-- why do my incisions seem fine but still hurt when I do too much? And Terence rationally reminded me (again) that the doctor warned me about this-- I may seem fully healed but everything internally probably isn't yet.

Patience. I'm not so good at being patient. Or a patient. I'm probably going to need at least one more procedure which I am dreading already. But judging by how long it took to get the last surgery scheduled, I don't need to worry about it yet.

It is fairly calm around here at the moment.  I got to see my Aunt Becky yesterday and she reminded me to enjoy the calm periods while they last. I know it, but it's like my body and mind refuse to accept that. My anxiety has felt crippling the last few weeks. Somedays I can't breathe. I've been here before, but honestly it's discouraging. I need to feel some peace because I know there's going to turmoil in the future, a storm that I need to be able to weather.

And there's the crux of the anxiety.

I used to be able to look forward to stuff, knowing there would be challenges, but what my brain has latched onto after the rollercoaster of the last four years is a mind-breaking avalanche of "what ifs" that leave my body constantly in a state of fight or flight. Terence says I need counseling-- and maybe it would help, but here's the rub: my experience with the mental health industry (and yes, I am calling it an industry because that's what it is) over the last seven years as we've tried to help B with her challenges has left me with a deep, abiding mistrust that any of it will be helpful.

Terence says then I need counseling to help me deal with my fears about counseling.

Even I can see the humor in that. I'm grinning rather broadly as I type this. 

I'm not giving up. I have so much to be grateful for, and last night I even got six hours of sleep (with only two trips to the bathroom, so that is a wonderful improvement). But a break from the anxiety while I'm in a season of sunny weather would be nice.