Changing Who I Am
Things change but they don't.
I like to think that I'm a completely different person than I was when I was 17, and of course in some ways that's true. But I'm not as different of a person than I thought I would be by now. Some of my personality traits that I was so determined to change are still a very strong part of me.
How much is it possible to change? How much is just "who we are?"
How much of my lack of growth is because I'm lazy? How much growth has happened but I just don't have eyes to see it?
Why does it even matter?
Well, to me it matters a great deal. One of my "core truths," a value that shapes my entire existence, is that becoming a better person, improving not just my life but also who I am, is one of the most important things in my life. Core truths are an interesting thing. We can believe something rationally or on the surface, but those things that really, truly shape our actions and beliefs about ourselves and the world around go deeper. We don't even always recognize them for what they are. I consider these belief core truths. (Note that our core truths might not actually be true in the sense that they are 100% correct. But deep in our souls we believe them.)
As a result of this I have a strong drive to be always working on improving myself. The idea of "just accepting myself the way I am" is a foreign concept-- not just foreign but positively repellant. I can't think of a worse way to spend my life than just sitting back and floating along, while making no effort to overcome my weaknesses, better my living conditions, or improve my relationships with others.
That's why looking back over the last couple of decades and realizing that I still struggle with some of my least favorite personality quirks or failings is so frustrating. Why can't I keep my temper in check? Why do I get so frustrated and angry with people who don't see things the way I do? Why do I get defensive and feel attacked over trivial things? Why can't I be more patient with my kids and a better listener?
Why does making a phone call still make me sweat with anxiety? (*snicker*) I can poke fun at myself a bit. Of course, I was never going to become some paragon of perfection by the time I was forty. But as I get older my sense of the passage of time has changed. Everything goes by so quickly. I can't comfortably tell myself that I'll become a different person and have these peaceful and loving relationships, for example, because I've seen how slow my changes come and how fast time passes. Before I learn to patient and a good listener, my kids may very well be grown and gone.
Does this frustrate anyone else? I don't want to give up on my drive for self-improvement-- in fact, I don't think I could even if I wanted to, it's that much a part of who I am-- but how do I keep pressing on in hope? What shift in perspective might help? Or do I just need to buckle down and make some of these changes more of my focus?
I like to think that I'm a completely different person than I was when I was 17, and of course in some ways that's true. But I'm not as different of a person than I thought I would be by now. Some of my personality traits that I was so determined to change are still a very strong part of me.
How much is it possible to change? How much is just "who we are?"
How much of my lack of growth is because I'm lazy? How much growth has happened but I just don't have eyes to see it?
Why does it even matter?
Well, to me it matters a great deal. One of my "core truths," a value that shapes my entire existence, is that becoming a better person, improving not just my life but also who I am, is one of the most important things in my life. Core truths are an interesting thing. We can believe something rationally or on the surface, but those things that really, truly shape our actions and beliefs about ourselves and the world around go deeper. We don't even always recognize them for what they are. I consider these belief core truths. (Note that our core truths might not actually be true in the sense that they are 100% correct. But deep in our souls we believe them.)
As a result of this I have a strong drive to be always working on improving myself. The idea of "just accepting myself the way I am" is a foreign concept-- not just foreign but positively repellant. I can't think of a worse way to spend my life than just sitting back and floating along, while making no effort to overcome my weaknesses, better my living conditions, or improve my relationships with others.
That's why looking back over the last couple of decades and realizing that I still struggle with some of my least favorite personality quirks or failings is so frustrating. Why can't I keep my temper in check? Why do I get so frustrated and angry with people who don't see things the way I do? Why do I get defensive and feel attacked over trivial things? Why can't I be more patient with my kids and a better listener?
Why does making a phone call still make me sweat with anxiety? (*snicker*) I can poke fun at myself a bit. Of course, I was never going to become some paragon of perfection by the time I was forty. But as I get older my sense of the passage of time has changed. Everything goes by so quickly. I can't comfortably tell myself that I'll become a different person and have these peaceful and loving relationships, for example, because I've seen how slow my changes come and how fast time passes. Before I learn to patient and a good listener, my kids may very well be grown and gone.
Does this frustrate anyone else? I don't want to give up on my drive for self-improvement-- in fact, I don't think I could even if I wanted to, it's that much a part of who I am-- but how do I keep pressing on in hope? What shift in perspective might help? Or do I just need to buckle down and make some of these changes more of my focus?
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