In Defense of a Messy House
There's a Washington Post article that's been popularly making the rounds on my social media lately. You might very well have seen it yourself. A man writes about how he came to the realization that having a messy house wasn't something he should blame his wife for, but a sign that she was choosing to be a good mom in other ways. I could relate to article quite well. (Though I can't say that I am always spending my non-housework moments "teaching our son how to ride a bike, or our daughter to walk." Quite frankly, those are things I kind of expect my kids to pick up on their own with minimal "teaching" on my part. I have enough to do as it is.)
The article never would have stayed on my mind (or warranted a blog post) except that I made the mistake of dropping down and reading the first handful of comments. I kid you not, the first four comments I read were critical of the article because 1) they believe a clean house IS quite easy to come by if you are a stay at home mom, 2) kids can so easily be taught to pick up after themselves--or not to make messes in the first place-- that you are a derelict parent if you haven't taught them these things (and by default, then have a clean house), or 3) Stay-at-home-moms who try to justify their messy houses by saying they spend the time instead with their kids are just lazy pigs, and it's not good for the kids to live in the resulting squalor.
Oh boy that rankled. The comments stuck into my brain with all the tenacity of barbed fishhooks. How dare these people judge all moms who have messy houses???
So just to get it off my chest, here is my reply to those 3 criticisms.
1) A clean house is NOT an easy feat, even for stay at home moms.
Cleaning a house takes time. It takes LOTS of time. Depending on the size of your house or the amount of people messing up that house, keeping just the basics done may be a full-time job in itself. And if you have other commitments in your life (such as feeding and bathing children, let alone "extras" like reading to them or teaching them to tie their shoes or helping them with homework), you just may not have enough hours in the day. Truly. It took me 1.5 hours today to get all my floors in the house mopped. You better believe I don't have the kind of time to weekly "dust, mop, and Hoover" (as one exasperated husband wanted from his wife). There is more to the basics than just that-- cooking, dishes, and laundry regularly top the list. They become more of an imperative than a freshly mopped floor and shelves that smell of Pledge.
2) Teaching kids to clean up after themselves is a messy work in progress.
A lifelong project. I don't know a single mom who doesn't already battle with her kids about chores. Assuming her kids are all old enough to do chores. And if you are expecting your 2 year old to always clean up after herself or never play in the toilet with his toys, your expectations are unrealistic. Or your kids are NOTHING like any kids I know.
The other dilemma that we are running into? My kids' schedule during the week leaves little time for anything besides homework and picking up their rooms. But somehow, the house still manages to get dirty. We're working on that-- I think as a family we can do better at keeping things clean as we go-- but let's face it, I am already a neurotic mess. Becoming the cleaning nazi won't help build relationships with my children-- and I am quickly running out of time for that. I'll have plenty of time to have an immaculate house later, when they are grown.
3) Yeah, the Lazy Stay-At-Home Mom stereotype again.
I won't go into the mommy wars here. It was alive and well in the comments. Who works harder, stay-at-home moms or working moms? If a working mom can keep her house clean, why can't a mom who has at least 8 more hours to do it in? I don't want to go there. I will concede the working moms I know juggle a plate that I am so grateful I don't have to. But that doesn't mean that I have oodles of free time. I admit that I have more flexibility and can sneak in a Downton Abbey episode while I fold laundry. Maybe that makes me seem lazy. But my hours are still filled with childcare and Primary and school driving/volunteering and piano lessons and yeah. When my days were filled with holding babies who screamed when they were put down, I could accomplish even less. Walk in someone's shoes before you judge. If you popped out one precious peanut and then handed him over to a daycare for 10 hours a day from the time he was six weeks old, I don't think you have any idea how hard it is to juggle a house with 3 school age kids, a destructive toddler, and a baby. I don't know ANY lazy moms. Just moms with overwhelming circumstances.
One of the main points of the article was about not worrying about what the neighbors think of my house. So I'm going to expand this now and try to not worry about what anonymous internet commenters might think of my house if they could see it. Like most moms, I'm just trying to do the best I can in the circumstances I've got.
The article never would have stayed on my mind (or warranted a blog post) except that I made the mistake of dropping down and reading the first handful of comments. I kid you not, the first four comments I read were critical of the article because 1) they believe a clean house IS quite easy to come by if you are a stay at home mom, 2) kids can so easily be taught to pick up after themselves--or not to make messes in the first place-- that you are a derelict parent if you haven't taught them these things (and by default, then have a clean house), or 3) Stay-at-home-moms who try to justify their messy houses by saying they spend the time instead with their kids are just lazy pigs, and it's not good for the kids to live in the resulting squalor.
Oh boy that rankled. The comments stuck into my brain with all the tenacity of barbed fishhooks. How dare these people judge all moms who have messy houses???
So just to get it off my chest, here is my reply to those 3 criticisms.
1) A clean house is NOT an easy feat, even for stay at home moms.
Cleaning a house takes time. It takes LOTS of time. Depending on the size of your house or the amount of people messing up that house, keeping just the basics done may be a full-time job in itself. And if you have other commitments in your life (such as feeding and bathing children, let alone "extras" like reading to them or teaching them to tie their shoes or helping them with homework), you just may not have enough hours in the day. Truly. It took me 1.5 hours today to get all my floors in the house mopped. You better believe I don't have the kind of time to weekly "dust, mop, and Hoover" (as one exasperated husband wanted from his wife). There is more to the basics than just that-- cooking, dishes, and laundry regularly top the list. They become more of an imperative than a freshly mopped floor and shelves that smell of Pledge.
2) Teaching kids to clean up after themselves is a messy work in progress.
A lifelong project. I don't know a single mom who doesn't already battle with her kids about chores. Assuming her kids are all old enough to do chores. And if you are expecting your 2 year old to always clean up after herself or never play in the toilet with his toys, your expectations are unrealistic. Or your kids are NOTHING like any kids I know.
The other dilemma that we are running into? My kids' schedule during the week leaves little time for anything besides homework and picking up their rooms. But somehow, the house still manages to get dirty. We're working on that-- I think as a family we can do better at keeping things clean as we go-- but let's face it, I am already a neurotic mess. Becoming the cleaning nazi won't help build relationships with my children-- and I am quickly running out of time for that. I'll have plenty of time to have an immaculate house later, when they are grown.
3) Yeah, the Lazy Stay-At-Home Mom stereotype again.
I won't go into the mommy wars here. It was alive and well in the comments. Who works harder, stay-at-home moms or working moms? If a working mom can keep her house clean, why can't a mom who has at least 8 more hours to do it in? I don't want to go there. I will concede the working moms I know juggle a plate that I am so grateful I don't have to. But that doesn't mean that I have oodles of free time. I admit that I have more flexibility and can sneak in a Downton Abbey episode while I fold laundry. Maybe that makes me seem lazy. But my hours are still filled with childcare and Primary and school driving/volunteering and piano lessons and yeah. When my days were filled with holding babies who screamed when they were put down, I could accomplish even less. Walk in someone's shoes before you judge. If you popped out one precious peanut and then handed him over to a daycare for 10 hours a day from the time he was six weeks old, I don't think you have any idea how hard it is to juggle a house with 3 school age kids, a destructive toddler, and a baby. I don't know ANY lazy moms. Just moms with overwhelming circumstances.
One of the main points of the article was about not worrying about what the neighbors think of my house. So I'm going to expand this now and try to not worry about what anonymous internet commenters might think of my house if they could see it. Like most moms, I'm just trying to do the best I can in the circumstances I've got.
Comments
I just wished I felt confident as a mother so that I could justify the dirty house. The author's wife made a clear and intentional choice. I'm still trying to do both only to have a dirty house and over-sugared kids who watch WAY too much TV.
who ever wrote those comments must not be a stay at home mom, or they don't remember what it is like. Ugh I am glad I didn't see those comments, it ruffles my feathers