Words
Stunned. Shocked. Horrified. Grieved. Tense. Obsessed. Guilt-ridden.
I could say there are no words but I am trying to put some of my emotional turmoil into words anyway. I'm hoping it lets me heal. I'm hoping it lets me sleep tonight, and maybe even wake up tomorrow morning without a splitting headache again.
A good friend of mine from my teen years and almost his whole family were murdered yesterday. I found out because a mutual friend (who also happens to be a cousin of the murdered wife) sent me a message and then spoke to me on the phone about what had happened. He didn't want me to find out on facebook.
At the time I got his message I was in Walmart, finishing a marathon school supply shopping trip with all five kids in tow. I was already stressed, impatient, exhausted, and nearly at my wits' end. I called my mother. I was so in shock that I honestly don't know how I managed to finish the shopping trip and make it back home with all the kids and our cartload of stuff.
Stephen was one of those ultra-nice guys. So nice that he could have been a stereotype in a movie. (You know, the sweet guy that the girls ignore because of the fascinating "rebel" hottie.) At a time when so many of my guy friends were going through an annoying adolescent stage where they had to tease or insult you, Stephen never did. He invited me to prom and was the most gentlemanly, gracious date I ever had as a teenager.
I can't in any way, shape, or form begin to conceive of why anyone would want to end the life of such a man.
Yes, I know the details. In fact, after the phone call from my friend, I knew quite a bit of the background long before the news agencies started getting their facts straight. In the case of an abusive ex-husband, anyone who protected his ex-wife was at risk.
The worst part is I know the shooter as well. He was part of my church congregation growing up (as was Stephen). He was younger than me so I mostly knew him as a very energetic boy. However, I was friends with his older brother and sister, and I cannot imagine what his family is going through right now. They are suffering as well.
I just read a facebook post from Katie the other day (her last post, I believe). Talking about how she'd braved watching Captain Phillips and how it was a huge a mistake to watch such a suspenseful movie. She wanted something light and happy to make up for it, like PBS cartoons. So awfully, tragically, ironic. It makes my heart hurt. Literally ache in my chest.
But I feel guilty for letting it affect me this much. It's not like I'm a family member or a really close friend. I haven't seen either Stephen or Katie since before M was born. Our only recent connection has been on facebook. Others are suffering so much more.
Still, my shock is wearing off and the raw pain is not something I want to feel. I can deny it, say that it doesn't matter, that I shouldn't feel it, but the reality is that it does.
Thank goodness for my rock-solid knowledge of eternal families. I couldn't cope with this tragedy otherwise.
I could say there are no words but I am trying to put some of my emotional turmoil into words anyway. I'm hoping it lets me heal. I'm hoping it lets me sleep tonight, and maybe even wake up tomorrow morning without a splitting headache again.
A good friend of mine from my teen years and almost his whole family were murdered yesterday. I found out because a mutual friend (who also happens to be a cousin of the murdered wife) sent me a message and then spoke to me on the phone about what had happened. He didn't want me to find out on facebook.
At the time I got his message I was in Walmart, finishing a marathon school supply shopping trip with all five kids in tow. I was already stressed, impatient, exhausted, and nearly at my wits' end. I called my mother. I was so in shock that I honestly don't know how I managed to finish the shopping trip and make it back home with all the kids and our cartload of stuff.
Stephen was one of those ultra-nice guys. So nice that he could have been a stereotype in a movie. (You know, the sweet guy that the girls ignore because of the fascinating "rebel" hottie.) At a time when so many of my guy friends were going through an annoying adolescent stage where they had to tease or insult you, Stephen never did. He invited me to prom and was the most gentlemanly, gracious date I ever had as a teenager.
I can't in any way, shape, or form begin to conceive of why anyone would want to end the life of such a man.
Yes, I know the details. In fact, after the phone call from my friend, I knew quite a bit of the background long before the news agencies started getting their facts straight. In the case of an abusive ex-husband, anyone who protected his ex-wife was at risk.
The worst part is I know the shooter as well. He was part of my church congregation growing up (as was Stephen). He was younger than me so I mostly knew him as a very energetic boy. However, I was friends with his older brother and sister, and I cannot imagine what his family is going through right now. They are suffering as well.
I just read a facebook post from Katie the other day (her last post, I believe). Talking about how she'd braved watching Captain Phillips and how it was a huge a mistake to watch such a suspenseful movie. She wanted something light and happy to make up for it, like PBS cartoons. So awfully, tragically, ironic. It makes my heart hurt. Literally ache in my chest.
But I feel guilty for letting it affect me this much. It's not like I'm a family member or a really close friend. I haven't seen either Stephen or Katie since before M was born. Our only recent connection has been on facebook. Others are suffering so much more.
Still, my shock is wearing off and the raw pain is not something I want to feel. I can deny it, say that it doesn't matter, that I shouldn't feel it, but the reality is that it does.
Thank goodness for my rock-solid knowledge of eternal families. I couldn't cope with this tragedy otherwise.
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