What now?
It's time to make a change.
A real change.
OK, it's silly of me to make a declaration like that. Because honestly, I commit to changes all the time. It's the follow through that kills me. Plus, I actually have been able to make some real positive lifestyle changes over the years. I shouldn't imply that I never change for the better.
But in this area, it's time to really commit and do something. It's my stress and anxiety issues. I have a sneaking suspicion that they are quite literally killing me slowly. I've blogged about it before-- but things are getting worse.
I don't have full blown anxiety attacks, for which I am quite grateful. But I live in a near-constant state of tension from stress and worry. Even as I sit here, my heart is beating a little fast and my chest is tight. I woke up in the middle of the night with sharp chest pains (probably just gas) but Terence's first reaction was to want to call 911. Yeah, a 38 year old woman in otherwise great health is not likely to be having a heart attack, but Terence knows that I'm a stress case and that serious heart disease runs in my family.
There are also some other worrisome signs that I'm letting things get out of hand. I've always had very low blood pressure (in the very bottom range of normal). Even pregnancy when I was at my most swollen I would only get up to high normal range. But the last two times I've taken the chance to check my blood pressure-- when I was relatively calm and had no children with me-- my blood pressure was high enough for the machine to give me the pre-hypertension label. Is it something to worry about? I don't know. It's more the fact that it's such a drastic difference from my blood pressure a couple of years ago.
This week was an especially challenging one. I had a jam-packed schedule. I added five additional piano students, M's piano lessons moved to an already stacked day (I drive her 45 minutes to her lesson), I had a ton of Primary stuff to take care of (Roundtable for scout leaders came minutes after I had finished teaching my 6th piano lesson of the day-- and when I got home it was super late and none of the kids had finished homework or gotten read for bed), and helping four kids with their homework every day is just grueling. I don't think all of this would be so stressful if I could just slow down and take things more calmly. But I'm always on high alert, rushing through things, worrying about the things I "have" to do-- and do perfectly. (Perfectionism is a dreadful curse.) Part of it is the strange part of me who wants to be insanely busy-- because busy-ness somehow proves that I am a good mom and wife and church member and most of all that I am not lazy. It makes no sense, but there it is.
What do I do? I have zero extra money right now (that's a whole 'nother level of added stress) so anything that I would need to pay for is out. I already exercise-- I average at least an hour a day of cardio, plus strength a couple of times a week. I admit the exercise helps a ton (just like everyone says) to release stress, but quite frankly, I'm already stressing again within 30 minutes of my workout (sometimes even during my workout, as I ruminate about all the things I need to get done during the day!)
It is high time I made a change. I'm just not sure what to do yet.
A real change.
OK, it's silly of me to make a declaration like that. Because honestly, I commit to changes all the time. It's the follow through that kills me. Plus, I actually have been able to make some real positive lifestyle changes over the years. I shouldn't imply that I never change for the better.
But in this area, it's time to really commit and do something. It's my stress and anxiety issues. I have a sneaking suspicion that they are quite literally killing me slowly. I've blogged about it before-- but things are getting worse.
I don't have full blown anxiety attacks, for which I am quite grateful. But I live in a near-constant state of tension from stress and worry. Even as I sit here, my heart is beating a little fast and my chest is tight. I woke up in the middle of the night with sharp chest pains (probably just gas) but Terence's first reaction was to want to call 911. Yeah, a 38 year old woman in otherwise great health is not likely to be having a heart attack, but Terence knows that I'm a stress case and that serious heart disease runs in my family.
There are also some other worrisome signs that I'm letting things get out of hand. I've always had very low blood pressure (in the very bottom range of normal). Even pregnancy when I was at my most swollen I would only get up to high normal range. But the last two times I've taken the chance to check my blood pressure-- when I was relatively calm and had no children with me-- my blood pressure was high enough for the machine to give me the pre-hypertension label. Is it something to worry about? I don't know. It's more the fact that it's such a drastic difference from my blood pressure a couple of years ago.
This week was an especially challenging one. I had a jam-packed schedule. I added five additional piano students, M's piano lessons moved to an already stacked day (I drive her 45 minutes to her lesson), I had a ton of Primary stuff to take care of (Roundtable for scout leaders came minutes after I had finished teaching my 6th piano lesson of the day-- and when I got home it was super late and none of the kids had finished homework or gotten read for bed), and helping four kids with their homework every day is just grueling. I don't think all of this would be so stressful if I could just slow down and take things more calmly. But I'm always on high alert, rushing through things, worrying about the things I "have" to do-- and do perfectly. (Perfectionism is a dreadful curse.) Part of it is the strange part of me who wants to be insanely busy-- because busy-ness somehow proves that I am a good mom and wife and church member and most of all that I am not lazy. It makes no sense, but there it is.
What do I do? I have zero extra money right now (that's a whole 'nother level of added stress) so anything that I would need to pay for is out. I already exercise-- I average at least an hour a day of cardio, plus strength a couple of times a week. I admit the exercise helps a ton (just like everyone says) to release stress, but quite frankly, I'm already stressing again within 30 minutes of my workout (sometimes even during my workout, as I ruminate about all the things I need to get done during the day!)
It is high time I made a change. I'm just not sure what to do yet.
Comments
I have really bad anxiety. Panic attacks and all. It helped a lot when I got on Zoloft. It helps my depression and anxiety.
I know, the less on the plate thing for sure...but I'm having an impossible time trying to figure out what to cut out. I certainly could teach less piano...but I desperately need the $ right now :(