Try, Try Again
"Forget yourself, and go to work!"
That's what I want to do right now. It was a rough night last night, and it's been a gloomy morning. I thought I was doing so much better this time emotionally, handling my foot injury. (I rolled my ankle Saturday while jumping up and trying to reach something on the top shelf of my closet. So irritatingly minor. But I strained multiple ligaments and a tendon, and apparently there's a piece of floating bone from another old fracture in the mix, just to make things interesting.) Anyway, being stuck in a boot for at least 2 weeks (probably longer, judging by how much it still hurts) is a repeat of last November. And I was sure it would be easier this time. First, I was just so grateful I didn't need a cast, which would have made driving impossible (I messed up my right ankle this time--equal opportunity injurist here). Second, I already know it won't last forever, and I'll be up and active again in no time, and I'm not going to gain 50 pounds in four weeks of not being able to keep to my usual workout schedule.
But the initial euphoria of "Yes! I'll still be able to get my kids to school and piano and activities and church without totally depending on other people" is over. Now I'm faced with the reality of having to hobble around in a boot for weeks, and this time it really hurts a lot more. I have so much to do, and I just can't manage it. I feel so overwhelmed. It's the end of the school madness season-- you know, final projects, end of year celebrations, added to the general normal craziness. And I can't rush around taking care of everything.
So much of feeling good about myself is tied to exercise and just generally getting a lot of stuff done. (It's a problem, having your self-worth tied to achievement, I learned that when I learned the cognitive therapy techniques for depression, because when you can't do all the stuff you used to, you feel worthless. Not a happy place to be.) And I really can't exercise like I want (which also means I can't eat like I'm used to) and I can't keep on top of my life.
Ugh.
Forget my own troubles and go to work. Focus on other people. I'm going to try to do that. But it's hard to even think straight when I feel like I want to jump out of my own skin.
Part of me feels like this is the real test too. What Heavenly Father really wants me to learn from these experiences is not how to work harder, or even how to let other people serve me. What I need to learn is how to take these kinds of experiences, the ones that make me feel terrible, and NOT let them affect my relationship with my kids and my husband. That's the hardest part right there. When I'm dealing with change (my normal routine thrown out the window) and physical or emotional discomfort, I end up snapping at my family, sometimes even exploding quite spectacularly. Everything negative I'm feeling gets funneled at the people I love most, and I know I have to change that.
Maybe that's why I keep having these experiences. . . .Maybe this time I'll figure it out.
That's what I want to do right now. It was a rough night last night, and it's been a gloomy morning. I thought I was doing so much better this time emotionally, handling my foot injury. (I rolled my ankle Saturday while jumping up and trying to reach something on the top shelf of my closet. So irritatingly minor. But I strained multiple ligaments and a tendon, and apparently there's a piece of floating bone from another old fracture in the mix, just to make things interesting.) Anyway, being stuck in a boot for at least 2 weeks (probably longer, judging by how much it still hurts) is a repeat of last November. And I was sure it would be easier this time. First, I was just so grateful I didn't need a cast, which would have made driving impossible (I messed up my right ankle this time--equal opportunity injurist here). Second, I already know it won't last forever, and I'll be up and active again in no time, and I'm not going to gain 50 pounds in four weeks of not being able to keep to my usual workout schedule.
But the initial euphoria of "Yes! I'll still be able to get my kids to school and piano and activities and church without totally depending on other people" is over. Now I'm faced with the reality of having to hobble around in a boot for weeks, and this time it really hurts a lot more. I have so much to do, and I just can't manage it. I feel so overwhelmed. It's the end of the school madness season-- you know, final projects, end of year celebrations, added to the general normal craziness. And I can't rush around taking care of everything.
So much of feeling good about myself is tied to exercise and just generally getting a lot of stuff done. (It's a problem, having your self-worth tied to achievement, I learned that when I learned the cognitive therapy techniques for depression, because when you can't do all the stuff you used to, you feel worthless. Not a happy place to be.) And I really can't exercise like I want (which also means I can't eat like I'm used to) and I can't keep on top of my life.
Ugh.
Forget my own troubles and go to work. Focus on other people. I'm going to try to do that. But it's hard to even think straight when I feel like I want to jump out of my own skin.
Part of me feels like this is the real test too. What Heavenly Father really wants me to learn from these experiences is not how to work harder, or even how to let other people serve me. What I need to learn is how to take these kinds of experiences, the ones that make me feel terrible, and NOT let them affect my relationship with my kids and my husband. That's the hardest part right there. When I'm dealing with change (my normal routine thrown out the window) and physical or emotional discomfort, I end up snapping at my family, sometimes even exploding quite spectacularly. Everything negative I'm feeling gets funneled at the people I love most, and I know I have to change that.
Maybe that's why I keep having these experiences. . . .Maybe this time I'll figure it out.
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