Holding On
Just taking a moment to check in.
I'm still alive! This is a high anxiety day though. It must have started with my dreams or something because I have been having the tight chest/nearly panicky anxiety since the moment I woke up. (When I checked my blood pressure first thing this morning it was the highest it's been since I got my shiny new monitor a week ago.) I'm trying all the resources I have right now (short of taking the anti-anxiety pill) and still having trouble calming down.
Dang it.
I don't want to resort to the pill. I took one for the first time last Thursday, mostly to see how I'd react. And I didn't like it at all. It wiped me out. I found it impossible to get anything done. Which meant that once it wore off I was back to even higher anxiety because all the stuff I needed to get done was piled higher. Nope. Those pills are going to have to be an emergency only kind of deal. (The prescription does say "as needed." My opinion of "as needed" just became the house is burning down qualifies as "needed.")
I think I'm going to have to practice saying no and not feeling guilty about it. I had a few days last week when we pretty well cleared the schedule without as much on my plate (well, I still had a bunch, but for the first time in forever I didn't feel quite so guilty about telling people no) and I think it helped. One of the biggest remaining hurdles is that I don't want my kids to miss out on stuff, but trying to make sure five kids don't miss out makes for scheduling nightmares. It's hard to come up with a solution to that one though. Still working on it.
Anyway, the update on where my health stands: right now I have a list of things to be "trying" that are supposed to help with the anxiety plus I have been tracking my blood pressure morning and night. (That has been enlightening. My machine automatically links to my phone and plots my numbers, and they make no sense to me at all. Generally my numbers are not related to how stressed I'm feeling at the moment. And my heart rate is NEVER higher than 60. This morning it was only 46. I guess I definitely fall into the range of professional athlete?) The blood pressure trend so far is that yes, I'm hypertensive. I think only twice I've gotten the "green light" from my machine, telling me my blood pressure is good. But the numbers fortunately have been nowhere near that sky high day I had my "hypertensive crisis." In general, my blood pressure is more likely to be higher in the morning than at bedtime. (Which again, sounds odd to me.)
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for the 27th-- the good thing about all this was that the deal was that if I went to the doctor Terence would get in for a physical as well (something I've wanted him to do for a while). Just the thought of it probably raises my blood pressure though. Remember that one anti-anxiety pill I took? That was the morning that Terence made the phone call to set appointments for both of us. I literally was having a full on anxiety attack about it. I almost felt as sick as I had on Sunday. Hence resorting to the pill. I really, really, really don't like going to doctors. Especially to one I've never been to. (I got pretty used to my OB. She delivered three of my five kids, after all. Then she relocated out of state and I haven't had a well-woman visit since. That would require seeing a new doctor....) This is silly, but hey, I'm honest with my blog-- I'm always worried that a new doctor is going to focus on two things: telling me I need to lose weight, and telling me they can't find anything wrong and it's all in my head. I don't need to pay money to have someone lecture me about either thing (which of course, has happened, and it's probably why my anxiety issues with doctors developed in the first place). I'm especially unhappy about this appointment because some part of me is certain the doctor is just going to tell me I need to cut out all salt, eat a "heart healthy diet," get more exercise, and relax, and I'll be fine. I don't need to pay money to have someone tell me that.
Of course, I'm building this all up into a negative picture in my mind before I even get there. You can see why I might have anxiety issues, right?
In the meantime, any twinge of a headache and I'm suddenly terrified I'm heading for an "episode." Honestly, I'm afraid I really need high blood pressure meds. I don't think I'm going to get my anxiety under control quickly. And my blood pressure is staying high even when I'm not feeling very stressed. But to have to take a prescription medication long term-- it's not high on my list at all. Even the anti-depressants (which were heaven-sent) were only a temporary need.
So much to chew on. In the meantime, life goes on. We are in the end of quarter madness right now. Fortunately, it's not as bad as December or May will be, but we still have two weeks full of extra after school stuff and major homework projects to plow through. This will be my trial by fire. Can I stay calm through all this?
I don't know.
I'm still alive! This is a high anxiety day though. It must have started with my dreams or something because I have been having the tight chest/nearly panicky anxiety since the moment I woke up. (When I checked my blood pressure first thing this morning it was the highest it's been since I got my shiny new monitor a week ago.) I'm trying all the resources I have right now (short of taking the anti-anxiety pill) and still having trouble calming down.
Dang it.
I don't want to resort to the pill. I took one for the first time last Thursday, mostly to see how I'd react. And I didn't like it at all. It wiped me out. I found it impossible to get anything done. Which meant that once it wore off I was back to even higher anxiety because all the stuff I needed to get done was piled higher. Nope. Those pills are going to have to be an emergency only kind of deal. (The prescription does say "as needed." My opinion of "as needed" just became the house is burning down qualifies as "needed.")
I think I'm going to have to practice saying no and not feeling guilty about it. I had a few days last week when we pretty well cleared the schedule without as much on my plate (well, I still had a bunch, but for the first time in forever I didn't feel quite so guilty about telling people no) and I think it helped. One of the biggest remaining hurdles is that I don't want my kids to miss out on stuff, but trying to make sure five kids don't miss out makes for scheduling nightmares. It's hard to come up with a solution to that one though. Still working on it.
Anyway, the update on where my health stands: right now I have a list of things to be "trying" that are supposed to help with the anxiety plus I have been tracking my blood pressure morning and night. (That has been enlightening. My machine automatically links to my phone and plots my numbers, and they make no sense to me at all. Generally my numbers are not related to how stressed I'm feeling at the moment. And my heart rate is NEVER higher than 60. This morning it was only 46. I guess I definitely fall into the range of professional athlete?) The blood pressure trend so far is that yes, I'm hypertensive. I think only twice I've gotten the "green light" from my machine, telling me my blood pressure is good. But the numbers fortunately have been nowhere near that sky high day I had my "hypertensive crisis." In general, my blood pressure is more likely to be higher in the morning than at bedtime. (Which again, sounds odd to me.)
I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for the 27th-- the good thing about all this was that the deal was that if I went to the doctor Terence would get in for a physical as well (something I've wanted him to do for a while). Just the thought of it probably raises my blood pressure though. Remember that one anti-anxiety pill I took? That was the morning that Terence made the phone call to set appointments for both of us. I literally was having a full on anxiety attack about it. I almost felt as sick as I had on Sunday. Hence resorting to the pill. I really, really, really don't like going to doctors. Especially to one I've never been to. (I got pretty used to my OB. She delivered three of my five kids, after all. Then she relocated out of state and I haven't had a well-woman visit since. That would require seeing a new doctor....) This is silly, but hey, I'm honest with my blog-- I'm always worried that a new doctor is going to focus on two things: telling me I need to lose weight, and telling me they can't find anything wrong and it's all in my head. I don't need to pay money to have someone lecture me about either thing (which of course, has happened, and it's probably why my anxiety issues with doctors developed in the first place). I'm especially unhappy about this appointment because some part of me is certain the doctor is just going to tell me I need to cut out all salt, eat a "heart healthy diet," get more exercise, and relax, and I'll be fine. I don't need to pay money to have someone tell me that.
Of course, I'm building this all up into a negative picture in my mind before I even get there. You can see why I might have anxiety issues, right?
In the meantime, any twinge of a headache and I'm suddenly terrified I'm heading for an "episode." Honestly, I'm afraid I really need high blood pressure meds. I don't think I'm going to get my anxiety under control quickly. And my blood pressure is staying high even when I'm not feeling very stressed. But to have to take a prescription medication long term-- it's not high on my list at all. Even the anti-depressants (which were heaven-sent) were only a temporary need.
So much to chew on. In the meantime, life goes on. We are in the end of quarter madness right now. Fortunately, it's not as bad as December or May will be, but we still have two weeks full of extra after school stuff and major homework projects to plow through. This will be my trial by fire. Can I stay calm through all this?
I don't know.
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