Blue Again
Another acquaintance, another death. (A neighbor, this time.)
Yeah, gloomy start, I know.
I guess this is one of the worst things about hitting "midlife." It seems like people all around me are dying. I imagine this will only get worse as I get older. (Or possibly, social media exacerbates this effect because people I would have lost contact with long ago are still in my realm of connection.)
I'm struggling this week. My sister is going to be moving, and that's like losing my best friend. (It killed me when Camie moved out of state-- I think losing Amy is going to be even worse.) It's weird because if you'd told me as a teenager that my sisters would be my best friends as an adult I would have wondered what you were smoking. But really, it's true. Friends move in and out, but family is always part of your life, if you're lucky. And I've been very, very lucky. I guess I should count my blessings that for so many years I've had the opportunity to live pretty close to my family.
We've had minor setbacks galore it seems like too-- mostly the never-ending car debacle. (I still don't have my van back and the loaner van is daily adding to its own issues. My kids about riot every time we get in because the rear A/C quit working. If anything, this extended test-drive has convinced me never to buy a Chrysler Town & Country.) S had to have cavities filled at the dentist yesterday, which she handled very well (she is hilarious on nitrous oxide!!!!) but that was another $250 out the window. Ugh.
Mostly I just feel overwhelming blue again. Not anxious, though I keep wanting to just check out and let everything fall apart so I don't have to cope with it. But just like I'm trudging through mud but then I feel guilty because what do I really have to complain about when people all around me are dying? But then that thought just makes my mood crash even more.
You see the problem?
I'm sure everything will work out. But perhaps, just perhaps, it's time to bite the bullet and go back through my cognitive therapy exercises for the depression. This doesn't seem to be getting better on its own.
Yeah, gloomy start, I know.
I guess this is one of the worst things about hitting "midlife." It seems like people all around me are dying. I imagine this will only get worse as I get older. (Or possibly, social media exacerbates this effect because people I would have lost contact with long ago are still in my realm of connection.)
I'm struggling this week. My sister is going to be moving, and that's like losing my best friend. (It killed me when Camie moved out of state-- I think losing Amy is going to be even worse.) It's weird because if you'd told me as a teenager that my sisters would be my best friends as an adult I would have wondered what you were smoking. But really, it's true. Friends move in and out, but family is always part of your life, if you're lucky. And I've been very, very lucky. I guess I should count my blessings that for so many years I've had the opportunity to live pretty close to my family.
We've had minor setbacks galore it seems like too-- mostly the never-ending car debacle. (I still don't have my van back and the loaner van is daily adding to its own issues. My kids about riot every time we get in because the rear A/C quit working. If anything, this extended test-drive has convinced me never to buy a Chrysler Town & Country.) S had to have cavities filled at the dentist yesterday, which she handled very well (she is hilarious on nitrous oxide!!!!) but that was another $250 out the window. Ugh.
Mostly I just feel overwhelming blue again. Not anxious, though I keep wanting to just check out and let everything fall apart so I don't have to cope with it. But just like I'm trudging through mud but then I feel guilty because what do I really have to complain about when people all around me are dying? But then that thought just makes my mood crash even more.
You see the problem?
I'm sure everything will work out. But perhaps, just perhaps, it's time to bite the bullet and go back through my cognitive therapy exercises for the depression. This doesn't seem to be getting better on its own.
Comments