Listening Skills Lacking
I'm going to confess one of my dirty little secrets as a mom.
Sometimes my kids' conversations bore the living daylights out of me. I feel bad about it. I wish it was easy for me to engage and really listen as they animatedly go on and on about Sonic the Hedgehog or Transformers because this is what interests them, and paying attention to their interests is part of getting to know my kids as individuals.
But seriously, I struggle. So often enough I end up with my own thoughts running through my head while giving a "Yeah?" or "You think so?" at intervals. If my kids have something to tell me that I really need to know- like something awful that happened at school or a major project due that they forgot about- usually the way they talk about it is completely different, enough to clue me in that I need to pay attention.
Except with J.
Holding a conversation with J has always been interesting. Eye contact is not his forte. He will talk incessantly about things that interest him (and sometimes those are unexpected topics, like whether it would be worse for everyone on earth to be attacked by a parasite that turns them into zombies that never die or for Galactus to eat the whole planet). But he also does a lot of random stuff that everyone tunes out, if they want to stay sane (like randomly shout "turkey"). Sometimes he'll incessantly repeat the same word over and over. (This one in particular is likely to get him punched by M.) He often mutters to himself. Mostly we just shrug this stuff off-- it seems to be part of the autism spectrum package.
However, when it comes to passing important information to his mother, it's a problem.
Unlike all the other kids, who do pretty good at cluing me in when what they are talking about needs action from me (rather than just my faked listening skills), J has the habit of muttering without looking at me about a major project he needs my help with. Or perhaps he'll mention that he has a camp out the upcoming weekend, but he sandwiches the statement in between exclamations at his computer screen. I can't number the amount of times he's "told" me about something I needed to know, but he's done it while wandering out of the room so I only catch about two words.
What to do?
If I'm already paying attention, I can stop him and make him repeat what he is saying in a clear voice while actually looking at me. This usually happens when I catch part of what he said, so I know that I need to hear it all. The harder ones are the those I miss entirely because I am tuning him out. (Trust me, as challenging as it is to listen to M talk non-stop about video game fan fiction for 30 minutes straight, listening to J mutter repeated nonsense is way worse. Like nails on chalkboard if I don't tune it out.)
I've read so many parenting books/advice articles that say over and over how important it is to really take time to listen to your kids. I get it in theory. But how do you listen to your kids without going just a little bit nuts??? And how do I catch all the important tidbits from J while still managing to ignore the repetitive quirky stuff that comes with his particular nature?
If I figure it out, I'll let you know. So much of parenting feels like flying blind in the dark!!
Sometimes my kids' conversations bore the living daylights out of me. I feel bad about it. I wish it was easy for me to engage and really listen as they animatedly go on and on about Sonic the Hedgehog or Transformers because this is what interests them, and paying attention to their interests is part of getting to know my kids as individuals.
But seriously, I struggle. So often enough I end up with my own thoughts running through my head while giving a "Yeah?" or "You think so?" at intervals. If my kids have something to tell me that I really need to know- like something awful that happened at school or a major project due that they forgot about- usually the way they talk about it is completely different, enough to clue me in that I need to pay attention.
Except with J.
Holding a conversation with J has always been interesting. Eye contact is not his forte. He will talk incessantly about things that interest him (and sometimes those are unexpected topics, like whether it would be worse for everyone on earth to be attacked by a parasite that turns them into zombies that never die or for Galactus to eat the whole planet). But he also does a lot of random stuff that everyone tunes out, if they want to stay sane (like randomly shout "turkey"). Sometimes he'll incessantly repeat the same word over and over. (This one in particular is likely to get him punched by M.) He often mutters to himself. Mostly we just shrug this stuff off-- it seems to be part of the autism spectrum package.
However, when it comes to passing important information to his mother, it's a problem.
Unlike all the other kids, who do pretty good at cluing me in when what they are talking about needs action from me (rather than just my faked listening skills), J has the habit of muttering without looking at me about a major project he needs my help with. Or perhaps he'll mention that he has a camp out the upcoming weekend, but he sandwiches the statement in between exclamations at his computer screen. I can't number the amount of times he's "told" me about something I needed to know, but he's done it while wandering out of the room so I only catch about two words.
What to do?
If I'm already paying attention, I can stop him and make him repeat what he is saying in a clear voice while actually looking at me. This usually happens when I catch part of what he said, so I know that I need to hear it all. The harder ones are the those I miss entirely because I am tuning him out. (Trust me, as challenging as it is to listen to M talk non-stop about video game fan fiction for 30 minutes straight, listening to J mutter repeated nonsense is way worse. Like nails on chalkboard if I don't tune it out.)
I've read so many parenting books/advice articles that say over and over how important it is to really take time to listen to your kids. I get it in theory. But how do you listen to your kids without going just a little bit nuts??? And how do I catch all the important tidbits from J while still managing to ignore the repetitive quirky stuff that comes with his particular nature?
If I figure it out, I'll let you know. So much of parenting feels like flying blind in the dark!!
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