Light
There are no words. Not really. And I'm a writer, a girl who communicates better in written form than any other way. But I'll do my best.
Fair warning, I'm going to bare my soul here, and it involves religion. I don't often discuss on social media my spiritual life. Well, I mention church, of course. It's so entwined in my daily life, I can hardly help it. However, I don't often write about my very personal beliefs. It's too hard-- I don't want to offend anyone, and I don't like to have things that are very important to me mocked or judged. When I do post it's because I feel the nudging of the Spirit to the point that it's more like I'm being repeatedly tapped. The only thing to do at that point is share. I'm having one of those moments now, so here goes.
It was General Conference this weekend. President Nelson promised us last fall that this conference would be like no other General Conference. He was right in ways that he would not have predicted last fall (though it was fun to hear him joke about it, as he started his first talk in a mostly empty room). He also promised us that if we put in the preparation ourselves, if we studied about the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, if we came up with our own questions-- we would experience our own revelation. I can't remember the exact promise. I remember making the decision to do all that he asked us to. I studied the specific things President Nelson suggested, made up my own study plan (which took several months, and I finished just a week ago), asked my own questions. But part of me didn't really expect to have a dramatic revelatory experience. Sometimes I recognize inspiration, but often I feel like I'm floundering, second-guessing my spiritual impressions (though when I get up the courage to act on those impressions, I almost always see something good-to-extraordinary come from it). So I guess I went into conference doubting that it would be a special experience for me personally. I knew it would be a good experience-- family bonding time and messages that would uplift me and inspire me to change for the better-- but I didn't expect anything more than that.
Unforgettable.
That's what it was.
Not particularly because of the specific talks, or the special Hosanna shout at the end of the Sunday morning session, or the announcement of the new temples (though I did sit up straight for that-- Dubai? Shanghai?). But because my Heavenly Father sent me two very direct messages that related to one of my personal challenges I've struggled with almost all my life. Yesterday, during one of the afternoon conference talks, I was suddenly enlightened to see my relationship with Jesus Christ in a completely different way. A solution for my constant struggle to feel that I am worth saving, that I'll ever be "good enough." The other was that I repeatedly wrote down in my notes the inspiration that I needed to ask Terence to give me a blessing today. He did so in between sessions, and I cannot write more about it except that I have never had such a priesthood blessing in my life-- and I have never seen Terence so overcome by emotion.
These were both intensely personal experiences so I won't say more about them. Only that I'm more certain now than ever that we have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who love us (each of us), and They know me, and They are here for me. I believe, with more certainty than ever, that we are not alone in this life, and that even when we put up walls, and we try to block Them out or ignore Them, They still love us. Always.
It's enough light for me for now. It doesn't mean I'm suddenly no longer plagued by anxiety or fear or feelings of "not enough." But it's better. Enough to keep moving forward during this very uncertain time. We're not alone.
Fair warning, I'm going to bare my soul here, and it involves religion. I don't often discuss on social media my spiritual life. Well, I mention church, of course. It's so entwined in my daily life, I can hardly help it. However, I don't often write about my very personal beliefs. It's too hard-- I don't want to offend anyone, and I don't like to have things that are very important to me mocked or judged. When I do post it's because I feel the nudging of the Spirit to the point that it's more like I'm being repeatedly tapped. The only thing to do at that point is share. I'm having one of those moments now, so here goes.
It was General Conference this weekend. President Nelson promised us last fall that this conference would be like no other General Conference. He was right in ways that he would not have predicted last fall (though it was fun to hear him joke about it, as he started his first talk in a mostly empty room). He also promised us that if we put in the preparation ourselves, if we studied about the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ, if we came up with our own questions-- we would experience our own revelation. I can't remember the exact promise. I remember making the decision to do all that he asked us to. I studied the specific things President Nelson suggested, made up my own study plan (which took several months, and I finished just a week ago), asked my own questions. But part of me didn't really expect to have a dramatic revelatory experience. Sometimes I recognize inspiration, but often I feel like I'm floundering, second-guessing my spiritual impressions (though when I get up the courage to act on those impressions, I almost always see something good-to-extraordinary come from it). So I guess I went into conference doubting that it would be a special experience for me personally. I knew it would be a good experience-- family bonding time and messages that would uplift me and inspire me to change for the better-- but I didn't expect anything more than that.
Unforgettable.
That's what it was.
Not particularly because of the specific talks, or the special Hosanna shout at the end of the Sunday morning session, or the announcement of the new temples (though I did sit up straight for that-- Dubai? Shanghai?). But because my Heavenly Father sent me two very direct messages that related to one of my personal challenges I've struggled with almost all my life. Yesterday, during one of the afternoon conference talks, I was suddenly enlightened to see my relationship with Jesus Christ in a completely different way. A solution for my constant struggle to feel that I am worth saving, that I'll ever be "good enough." The other was that I repeatedly wrote down in my notes the inspiration that I needed to ask Terence to give me a blessing today. He did so in between sessions, and I cannot write more about it except that I have never had such a priesthood blessing in my life-- and I have never seen Terence so overcome by emotion.
These were both intensely personal experiences so I won't say more about them. Only that I'm more certain now than ever that we have a Heavenly Father and a Savior who love us (each of us), and They know me, and They are here for me. I believe, with more certainty than ever, that we are not alone in this life, and that even when we put up walls, and we try to block Them out or ignore Them, They still love us. Always.
It's enough light for me for now. It doesn't mean I'm suddenly no longer plagued by anxiety or fear or feelings of "not enough." But it's better. Enough to keep moving forward during this very uncertain time. We're not alone.
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