Walking Away

 

It's crazy how much can change in just a short period of time.  No, not like in 2020 (holy moly, I don't want to experience that again any time soon) but still a bit of whiplash involved.  This one has been better though.  There's so much relief that even though normally I find change frustrating and anxiety producing, I'm so much happier than just a couple weeks ago.

I've now been working for three weeks.  We've kind of got a schedule down, though I'm putting in way more hours than I thought I would be and it's hard not spending as much time with Terence.  Hopefully by the time school starts again it will have calmed down a bit, and Terence and I can fit back in more time together in our day-to-day schedule.  When it became clear that my work was not going to be as limited or as flexible as I originally thought, I nearly panicked.  Especially since B got a new basketball coach and on the last day of school we learned his summer basketball camp was not going to just be morning training sessions.  It was going to be morning training, evening league games, and weekend tournaments.  I was aghast.  How was I going to fit all that in with a job?  Even with J's help driving?  But I swallowed it down, and told myself that the Lord would help me through it, if this was what B wanted.

B wasn't sure.  She was anxious, especially since the new coach came across as a drill sergeant with unrealistic ambitions. (He said he was determined to take state next year, with a group of girls who had pretty much lost every game the year before.  I think he's watched too many inspiration underdog sports movies!)  She went to her first practice and came home a wreck.  He was expecting all the girls to participate in the league games, he wanted her to somehow get in shape (right) over the weekend and be ready to play at varsity level on Tuesday.  Riiiiight.

It tore me apart to watch B fall to pieces over this.  I contacted the coach and asked if it was possible for B, as a relatively new basketball player, to just participate in the morning training camps that we had signed up for.  He basically told me no, he needed all the girls for every thing.  Six games minimum during the week, plus the weekend tournaments.  I was horrified, but again, didn't want to ruin B's dream if this was what she wanted.  We put the decision in her hands.

She couldn't make one.  And her mental health deteriorated.  By Memorial Day we were at a crisis point.  At this point, it became crystal clear to me.  I would have to make the decision she couldn't.  If basketball was putting her life at risk, it wasn't worth it.  I had a discussion with her that depression and anxiety are like an illness, and due to her limitations with her illness, I was pulling her from basketball. Then I reminded her that if someone with diabetes was unable to participate in a sport because of their physical challenges, would they be less worthy of a person?  Should they feel guilty for putting their health first?  She agreed that was ridiculous, and I said it was the same thing for her.

Immediately, things got better.  It was obviously the right decision, but it hasn't been easy.  She's struggling to revamp her thoughts and plans and there's a certain amount of grieving too for what she will be missing out on.  

Being a parent is hard!!  I knew that already, but sometimes it also means stepping in and making the decisions for your kids when they just can't do it themselves.  Basketball just isn't the right call for B, and she'll have to find something else to pour her energy into (and I'm sure she will).  And mental health challenges are real challenges.  If you struggle with them, please remember that taking care of yourself does not make you a failure or lazy or less worthy.  It just means that your mind needs care as much as your body does, and that may mean letting go of activities or expectations that get in the way of that care.

Now if I can just take my own advice!!