The Tunnel

I'm almost hesitant to blog about this, and I'll probably hide once I push the publish button.  But I've had people tell me before how much it meant to them when I honestly share my challenges, and if I can help anyone else who struggles with depression, even if it's just by letting them know they are not alone, then I guess it's worth it.

This week was not an easy one.  

Actually, let's not sugarcoat this, since I'm being brutally honest.  It was the worst week for depression I've had in a very long time.  Bad enough that one night I had to fight with myself not to walk out the front door and disappear in the middle of the night.  I wasn't suicidal, but I was at the point of wanting to escape, even if that meant wandering my neighborhood or perhaps just getting in the car and driving and driving and driving.

But I knew it wouldn't work.  There's nowhere so far you can drive to escape your own negative thoughts.

What happened???

It was a perfect storm.  A combination of bad timing, mostly gloomy cold weather mixed with my not-good-hormonal stretch of the month.  Monday morning, after days of the blues, I had a conversation with Terence go completely sideways, which left me feeling completely alone and bereft.

The downward spiral of negative thoughts is terrifying.  It really is.  I tried to mentally challenge everything.  I tried to use the tricks of the trade that I've learned over the years, that I've tried so hard to pass on to my kid that struggles with depression too.  But for whatever reason, it wasn't enough.

The good news is, I'm through the worst of it.  I can tell, because I'm not apathetically trudging through mud; instead, I'm filled with panic over my ever-expanding list of stuff to do pre-Christmas.  It's still winter, and the dark and cold don't help, but at least the hormones aren't driving me insane as well.

So some things I learned from this latest round in the boxing ring against my arch-nemesis:

• I really, really need Terence.  He is my anchor when I go through this stuff.  If the voice in my head is trying to drive me away from him, I need to tell that voice to shove it.  If something he says hurts or upsets me and I can't let go, I need to check with him to make sure I'm interpreting his words correctly.  What he says and what I hear when I'm overly sensitive and moody are not necessarily the same things.

• Get outside while there is sun!  Take the dog or the kids.  Don't skip the exercise (it is my replacement for Zoloft).

• Eat well.  Eating sugar or that box of white cheddar cheez-its will only make me feel worse.

• When everything seems completely dark, remember that I am in a tunnel.  I may not be able to see the light, but it is there.  I will feel better, I just need to keep moving forward.  Eventually I will see the light again.  Just don't give up!  That's like stopping in the middle of the tunnel and wondering where the light is.

For all my friends who see me in person-- I'm fine, I promise.  In fact, one of the best things is for me to act as normal as possible with everyone around me, even if I'm struggling, because then I feel relatively normal!  It helps when I am able to focus on other people and their needs.

For all those who struggle at this time as year as well-- hang in there!  There IS light at the end of the tunnel!!