Upside Down, Round and Round

Am I back to blogging?  I really can't say, but I feel like writing and so I'm going to take a moment while the kids are (supposed to be) in bed and share some of what's been going on lately.

It's been a rough haul, the last few months.  You've probably already gathered that, but it's been more than just having a ton on my plate and not enough hours in the day.  I haven't had this difficult of a battle with depression in a while.  Probably since my bout with the nasty postpartum depression stuff I had after B.

So the million dollar question is, do I have postpartum depression again?  Terence asked me that this morning, as we stole a few minutes together in the bathroom before he left for work.  It had been a tough morning-- very little sleep the night before and everything had gone a little askew right off the bat because B threw up on the playground right after I dropped her off at school.  When I got back home from picking B up, I ended up sitting on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face for no particular reason.  You can see why Terence was a little concerned.

I don't think it's the same as last time.  Terence even flat out asked me if I'd had any thoughts of suicide or hurting the kids, so for everyone out there who is wondering the same thing, the answer is no.  It isn't that bad. I just feel like every day I'm on an emotional roller coaster and I can never get off.  It gets exhausting.  I find myself longing to take a few minutes for myself, but every time I do I feel guilty.  And any little change just adds to my feeling of emotional vertigo.  For example, when I finally started working out at the gym again, all kinds of things had changed-- long term staff had left, the pool and child care schedules were different, and they had moved all the equipment around.  Stuff that most people just notice with interest for a day or two and then forget about, right?  But not me.  Every morning I have to steel myself for the moment I walk into the gym and get reminded that everything is different now.  Terence and I both got released from our callings at church, and instead of feeling relieved, I feel mostly a little sick.  It's another change.

Terence says I just need to fix how I look at it because life is about change, but I can't help it. Any changes at all lately throw me off kilter.  Even nonsensical ones like Walmart not selling the boxed orange chicken kit that I like anymore.  It just means that one minute I'm fine, and ten minutes later I'm staggering around emotionally, feeling like someone pulled the carpet out from under my feet.

My kids must wonder if their mom has a split personality!