The Twistings and Turnings of a Negative Mind

One of the tools that I used to finally drag myself out of my postpartum depression after B was a book, if you can believe that.  It was called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, by David D. Burns..  I was skeptical at first.  The title of the book seemed just a little too weird for me ("Mood Therapy?"  Really??  I got this mental picture of rubbing one of those old mood rings on my forehead or something.)

Actually, it's about using cognitive therapy techniques to change the way you think.  Less expensive than a therapist or meds but extremely effective.  My book has seen a lot of wear since then, but I haven't picked it up in awhile.  It's been sitting at my bedside for months though.  I got it out so that when I had tough times after having S, it was right there waiting to help me.

I finally picked it up a couple of days ago.  My period showed up and with it came a monstrous case of hormonal blues.  After a few days of this, I took some time before bed and reviewed a couple of chapters.  Since then I've been thinking, and I thought I'd do some of that out loud here on my blog.  Maybe someone else out there has struggled with some of the same issues as me.  Maybe I'm just doing this for my own benefit, but either way, here goes:

One of the harsh mental tricks we can play on ourselves relates to our feelings of self-worth.  I've struggled with this on and off over the years without realizing all the chatter going on in my head that helps make this tougher.  One is the constant insistence that I'm only worth something if I'm doing something.  It's achievement related.  If I'm achieving something great then I'm a great person.  The trouble with that is that if I'm not accomplishing a ton of things all the time (the more impressive the list, the better) then I don't feel like I matter at all.  I feel like I must be a disappointment to everyone around me, especially to God.

Now Dr. Burns argues that this frame of mind doesn't make sense.  If what we are worth depends on what we DO, then what would the worth of a newborn baby be?  Nothing, right?  But we value babies very much and we know they have great worth.  Or what about a 90 year old grandmother who is in poor health?  She doesn't accomplish much, but does that mean she isn't worth anything anymore?  Of course not!

Still, I can't quite talk my brain into believing that.  Because what we accomplish does matter, in some way or another.  In D&C 58:27 we're told "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness" and that sounds like what we do means something.  But does it mean that we are worth more to God if we do?  Again, that doesn't make sense.  Other scriptures teach us the value of the lost sheep, who I presume aren't out there digging trenches for the kingdom or they wouldn't be "lost."  Yet, my stupid brain insists on believing that Heavenly Father values a Primary President more than he does me because she is achieving more in the church.  Obviously, God trusts her to do more, therefore she is worth more.  Not to mention that I cannot even compare to such lofty positions as a Relief Society General Board Member!  How will I ever prove my worth to God compared to that?

I can't do it.  And on one level I know how much sense this does NOT make.  But it does explain why I feel driven to do so much.  It's the only way I seem to be able to fight against the voices in my head that argue that I'm lazy and therefore not worth anything.  (Vicious voices, where did they come from exactly?)

This is an ongoing topic that I've been pondering and I just let me thoughts flow freely here so I apologize if it doesn't make much sense.  Feel free to comment and add to the mix!