"True Love" After 15 Years
I love a good romance. Always have. My favorite books always have a romantic thread in them (with a happy ending), even if they are not supposed to be Romances-with-a-capital-R. I was a sucker for the tales of true love from the time I was a child, no matter how unrealistic. (Let's face it, in most Disney movies, the true love that conquers all comes at first sight to teenagers-- how more unrealistic can we get?) Even as I got older and I no longer really believed that I would be struck dumb with passion the first time I saw my soulmate (I no longer even believed in such things as "soulmates"), I still had daydreams about the man I would marry and how much he would love me and how happy we would be.
Even while I dreamed away though, I was wary. I had seen too many marriages implode. I had seen too much unhappiness, too many broken families and lost dreams, and too many divorces to naively believe that getting married in itself meant living happily ever after. But I had faith that if I married the right person, in the right place, and at the right time, I would still get the fairy tale ending. When I married Terence I was sure I had gotten all three of those factors dead right, and so I was guaranteed marital bliss.
I was partly right. I am living a fairy tale-- I've been happily married to Terence for 15 years now (happy anniversary, sweetheart!), and I love him more now than I did in those heady days of infatuation that are typical of the beginning of most romances. But there has been so much more involved than just marrying the right person. Having a successful marriage, one where I am truly happy, has required some significant growth. It's also meant living through some pretty choppy waters. And since Terence and I intend to stay married throughout our lives and beyond, I doubt we are done with the storms. However, I thought I'd share a couple of the things I've learned along the way that have helped me to have a truly fulfilling, joyful relationship with my best friend:
1) Marriage Counseling-- Don't underestimate the power of a good counselor! You do not have to be on the verge of divorce to really benefit from this. Terence and I had some visits with a fantastic counselor early on in our marriage, and he helped us see some things about each other and how we communicated that were amazingly helpful, especially over time. I think those visits nipped some problems in the bud before they could grow into towering thorny masses.
2) Revamped Expectations-- Out of whack expectations have caused many a disappointment for Terence and I over the years. We've gotten so much better about this. If you find yourself disappointed because your spouse doesn't do something the way that you wish, you have two options-- get your spouse to change or change what you expect. I've found that the route to happiness in my home has been almost always choosing option #2. As a minor example, when I got married I expected to have a tradition of the weekly date night, planned and carried out by my husband. The reality was that after we married, Terence almost never planned or initiated a date night. Ever. I could spend my time resenting that, or nagging him, or trying to force it, but rather I found that changing my expectations works much better. If I want to have a date night, I suggest it, and I plan it. And since I don't ever expect Terence to do it, it doesn't cause friction. In fact, on the rare occasions he does plan something, I then feel extra special and get more enjoyment out of it. Changing my expectations has led to a generally higher sense of satisfaction in our relationship.
3) Communication-- This has been a hard one. Still is, sometimes. But I have learned that our marriage goes fifty million times smoother when I don't bottle things up or expect Terence to be a mind reader. If something is really bothering me, I find a way to bring it up. If I want him to do something, I ask. I'm not perfect at this yet (I still tend to automatically say "Nothing" when he asks me what's wrong, rather than just candidly telling him the truth) but I'm better at it, and it has made a huge improvement in our relationship.
4) Staying Friends-- This means talking-- talking about things we care about, talking about our days, talking about our problems, talking about our goals and where we want to go. Maybe there are couples out there who can stay close to each other without talking to each other, but for Terence and I, keeping our marriage from devolving into a roommate situation or simple childcare arrangement has meant keeping our friendship going strong. And that has meant finding a way to talk, despite our hectic lives and barely meshing schedules.
5) Patience-- When the hard times come (and they do!!!!), I've found that hanging in there and waiting for things to get better often makes the difference. When his weaknesses start to drive me crazy, I remind myself of my own failings, and how I want him to be patient with me. In my case, it's often hormones causing the problem, but either way, when things look dark, I remind myself of the good times in our relationship and all the wonderful things about Terence and then sit tight and wait for things to improve. They always have.
I'm so grateful for Terence, he is an amazing, loving, strong, supportive partner, and I'm so glad I get to walk through this life with him. Can't wait to see what our "true love" is like after the next 15 years!
Even while I dreamed away though, I was wary. I had seen too many marriages implode. I had seen too much unhappiness, too many broken families and lost dreams, and too many divorces to naively believe that getting married in itself meant living happily ever after. But I had faith that if I married the right person, in the right place, and at the right time, I would still get the fairy tale ending. When I married Terence I was sure I had gotten all three of those factors dead right, and so I was guaranteed marital bliss.
I was partly right. I am living a fairy tale-- I've been happily married to Terence for 15 years now (happy anniversary, sweetheart!), and I love him more now than I did in those heady days of infatuation that are typical of the beginning of most romances. But there has been so much more involved than just marrying the right person. Having a successful marriage, one where I am truly happy, has required some significant growth. It's also meant living through some pretty choppy waters. And since Terence and I intend to stay married throughout our lives and beyond, I doubt we are done with the storms. However, I thought I'd share a couple of the things I've learned along the way that have helped me to have a truly fulfilling, joyful relationship with my best friend:
1) Marriage Counseling-- Don't underestimate the power of a good counselor! You do not have to be on the verge of divorce to really benefit from this. Terence and I had some visits with a fantastic counselor early on in our marriage, and he helped us see some things about each other and how we communicated that were amazingly helpful, especially over time. I think those visits nipped some problems in the bud before they could grow into towering thorny masses.
2) Revamped Expectations-- Out of whack expectations have caused many a disappointment for Terence and I over the years. We've gotten so much better about this. If you find yourself disappointed because your spouse doesn't do something the way that you wish, you have two options-- get your spouse to change or change what you expect. I've found that the route to happiness in my home has been almost always choosing option #2. As a minor example, when I got married I expected to have a tradition of the weekly date night, planned and carried out by my husband. The reality was that after we married, Terence almost never planned or initiated a date night. Ever. I could spend my time resenting that, or nagging him, or trying to force it, but rather I found that changing my expectations works much better. If I want to have a date night, I suggest it, and I plan it. And since I don't ever expect Terence to do it, it doesn't cause friction. In fact, on the rare occasions he does plan something, I then feel extra special and get more enjoyment out of it. Changing my expectations has led to a generally higher sense of satisfaction in our relationship.
3) Communication-- This has been a hard one. Still is, sometimes. But I have learned that our marriage goes fifty million times smoother when I don't bottle things up or expect Terence to be a mind reader. If something is really bothering me, I find a way to bring it up. If I want him to do something, I ask. I'm not perfect at this yet (I still tend to automatically say "Nothing" when he asks me what's wrong, rather than just candidly telling him the truth) but I'm better at it, and it has made a huge improvement in our relationship.
4) Staying Friends-- This means talking-- talking about things we care about, talking about our days, talking about our problems, talking about our goals and where we want to go. Maybe there are couples out there who can stay close to each other without talking to each other, but for Terence and I, keeping our marriage from devolving into a roommate situation or simple childcare arrangement has meant keeping our friendship going strong. And that has meant finding a way to talk, despite our hectic lives and barely meshing schedules.
5) Patience-- When the hard times come (and they do!!!!), I've found that hanging in there and waiting for things to get better often makes the difference. When his weaknesses start to drive me crazy, I remind myself of my own failings, and how I want him to be patient with me. In my case, it's often hormones causing the problem, but either way, when things look dark, I remind myself of the good times in our relationship and all the wonderful things about Terence and then sit tight and wait for things to improve. They always have.
I'm so grateful for Terence, he is an amazing, loving, strong, supportive partner, and I'm so glad I get to walk through this life with him. Can't wait to see what our "true love" is like after the next 15 years!
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