Opposites Repel
I was supposed to be vacuuming out my van right now, but a thunderstorm rolled in and now everything's soaked. I think I'll put it off until tomorrow. (Though it's actually cooler out there!) So I've got a few minutes to blog a bit.
Yesterday I while I was cleaning my bathroom, I was pondering (again) why Terence and I have such a happy marriage. B and I had a conversation on Sunday, and she wanted to know how she would know which guy would be a good one to marry (like all kids today, she's acutely aware of divorce, even if she's never heard the word mentioned in her home). So it's been on my mind. During the bathroom cleaning stint, I realized part of my good fortune with Terence that had never struck me much but certainly has a lot to do with our day to day happiness: how much we have in common with just our day-to-day living preferences and habits.
When people talk about finding someone you have things in common with what often comes to mind is having the same kinds of interests. You like to read, he likes to read. You like camping, and he loves the great outdoors too. You're both die-hard Star Wars fans. You love to cook, and he loves to eat. But what I've found that matters most for "routine" happiness, is not those kinds of common interests. It's rather personality traits and living styles that you often don't figure out until you live together.
Is he really germ-conscious? Is she a pack rat? Is he a save-at-all-costs-never-spend-an-extra-dime money manager? Is she uber-organized, with pantry organized alphabetically and by color? Is she totally laid back when it comes to parenting? Is he the kind of guy who needs to live life by a schedule and not deviate from it except for emergencies?
Talking to many of my friends, it's these kinds of issues that can make for day to day misery even when you are otherwise totally committed to each other. You can love hitting the town and dancing together, have the greatest chemistry ever, and then come home and have it all dissipate because at home she has now collected four crock pots and he feels most comfortable living as sparsely as possible. If one spouse is squeamish about germs and hygiene and the other picks up the strawberry she dropped on the floor and pops it in her mouth, there are going to be issues. Possibly minor ones that can be dealt with by exercising a lot of forbearance, but they never go away. Not really. I have a friend who is happiest being free and spontaneous and changing things up regularly and on the spur of the moment. Her husband longs for predictable routines and constant steadiness (you know, like we always eat this specific meal on Mondays, that meal on Tuesdays, and so on and so forth). Both spouses love each other, and they are good people who try to accommodate the other's preferences, but it's hard. And it likely won't change. It's just how they are.
There was no way that I could have known ahead of time that Terence and I would share about the same concern level when it comes to cleanliness and germs (we're not on the super picky side), the same general attitudes about spending vs. saving money, and similar parenting styles. How would I have been able to guess? And the things that we differ on-- like the amount of organization I prefer being higher than his and his level of paranoia (per my perception) about safety and security in our house being much higher than mine-- are not major. We're not complete polar opposites. It means that daily life doesn't mean one of us has to compromise so far that we feel like jumping out of our skin. That way lies misery, even when you are trying your best.
Anyway, just some random thoughts about it. I guess I got lucky because when I was dating Terence I definitely wasn't looking at whether or not he was a free spirit who abhorred all routine. (In some ways I sympathize with my friend's husband. I like things to be predictable.) How do you look for this kind of stuff? Or does it even matter? Will there always be something, since we're all different people coming from different backgrounds, and we just need to learn how to compromise and adapt and look for happiness anyway? I'm not sure, and I wonder. What do you think?
Yesterday I while I was cleaning my bathroom, I was pondering (again) why Terence and I have such a happy marriage. B and I had a conversation on Sunday, and she wanted to know how she would know which guy would be a good one to marry (like all kids today, she's acutely aware of divorce, even if she's never heard the word mentioned in her home). So it's been on my mind. During the bathroom cleaning stint, I realized part of my good fortune with Terence that had never struck me much but certainly has a lot to do with our day to day happiness: how much we have in common with just our day-to-day living preferences and habits.
When people talk about finding someone you have things in common with what often comes to mind is having the same kinds of interests. You like to read, he likes to read. You like camping, and he loves the great outdoors too. You're both die-hard Star Wars fans. You love to cook, and he loves to eat. But what I've found that matters most for "routine" happiness, is not those kinds of common interests. It's rather personality traits and living styles that you often don't figure out until you live together.
Is he really germ-conscious? Is she a pack rat? Is he a save-at-all-costs-never-spend-an-extra-dime money manager? Is she uber-organized, with pantry organized alphabetically and by color? Is she totally laid back when it comes to parenting? Is he the kind of guy who needs to live life by a schedule and not deviate from it except for emergencies?
Talking to many of my friends, it's these kinds of issues that can make for day to day misery even when you are otherwise totally committed to each other. You can love hitting the town and dancing together, have the greatest chemistry ever, and then come home and have it all dissipate because at home she has now collected four crock pots and he feels most comfortable living as sparsely as possible. If one spouse is squeamish about germs and hygiene and the other picks up the strawberry she dropped on the floor and pops it in her mouth, there are going to be issues. Possibly minor ones that can be dealt with by exercising a lot of forbearance, but they never go away. Not really. I have a friend who is happiest being free and spontaneous and changing things up regularly and on the spur of the moment. Her husband longs for predictable routines and constant steadiness (you know, like we always eat this specific meal on Mondays, that meal on Tuesdays, and so on and so forth). Both spouses love each other, and they are good people who try to accommodate the other's preferences, but it's hard. And it likely won't change. It's just how they are.
There was no way that I could have known ahead of time that Terence and I would share about the same concern level when it comes to cleanliness and germs (we're not on the super picky side), the same general attitudes about spending vs. saving money, and similar parenting styles. How would I have been able to guess? And the things that we differ on-- like the amount of organization I prefer being higher than his and his level of paranoia (per my perception) about safety and security in our house being much higher than mine-- are not major. We're not complete polar opposites. It means that daily life doesn't mean one of us has to compromise so far that we feel like jumping out of our skin. That way lies misery, even when you are trying your best.
Anyway, just some random thoughts about it. I guess I got lucky because when I was dating Terence I definitely wasn't looking at whether or not he was a free spirit who abhorred all routine. (In some ways I sympathize with my friend's husband. I like things to be predictable.) How do you look for this kind of stuff? Or does it even matter? Will there always be something, since we're all different people coming from different backgrounds, and we just need to learn how to compromise and adapt and look for happiness anyway? I'm not sure, and I wonder. What do you think?
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