Persistent Problem
I wonder if my body has come to be dependent on stress. If my default normal state is a mild state of anxiety. I sit here with nothing too challenging on my plate today (other than a handful of phone calls I've been putting off) and yet my heart is racing.
January was not my best month ever. Not that anything truly went wrong, and it certainly wasn't the full-on blue month that it has often been in the past. But I think as I've gotten a better hold on my depression, anxiety has replaced it. The only break I had all month was my trip to California. (My anxiety was much, much less then. Though even on vacation I had my moments.) Trying to cope with the near constant chest tightening, heart racing feeling meant that I chose to escape by reading extremely easy stuff, in several cases re-reading novels I knew were lighthearted and easy and that would plain let me escape from this oppressive feeling. It was a busy month, and I did manage to get through the basics (we never went without clean clothes or food, the kids got their homework done, I pulled off all my primary responsibilities, and I even plowed my way through the taxes) but when I should have been writing, I just couldn't. When I should have been setting up appointments that needed to be made, I "accidentally" forgot, over and over. (Phone calls seriously increase the anxiety.)
Worst of all, I ate terribly. To cope with anxiety (and because I was reading so much) I was constantly eating too much. Well, and marathon training took me by surprise. I am so hungry, almost all the time. Don't try training for a marathon in order to lose weight. The exercise is very helpful for stress relief (I feel better while exercising) but yeah, these long runs on Saturdays (I have a 3 1/2 hour run ahead of me this week again) are a killer in more ways than one. I didn't think I would be able to eat enough calories to make up for running 18 miles, but no, I'm so ravenous it's not a problem.
So anyway, I really wasn't a slug on the couch who refused to cope with her life at all, and I more or less had a decent month. Yet now I feel blue (mixed with mild anxiety) as if my life is falling apart. It isn't. My kids are healthy and happy, school is going as well as it ever does, primary is more or less running smoothly, and even if my house is not pristine, it's also not a bona fide disaster either.
*sigh*
I've got to get a handle on this stress.
I've said that a lot over the last few years. Terence and I were talking about it, and I pretty much pinpointed the switch from major depressive episodes to anxiety sometime after K was born. Was the anxiety inevitable as my family got larger? I don't know. My visiting teacher (who had six kids in about the same spread of time as my five) told me recently that I'm heading into the hardest stretch, with kids stretching three schools and teenage challenges intenisfied. (She's on the other end now, with her youngest a senior in high school.) That's less than encouraging, right? But of course it's true. My oldest starts high school this summer (yikes!) and the youngest still won't even be in school yet. I've got a lot of different stages going on here at the same time.
A solution has to be out there. Somewhere. Over the rainbow?
In the meantime, I'll keep plodding along. Time to get my kids up and headed out for the day. Onward!
January was not my best month ever. Not that anything truly went wrong, and it certainly wasn't the full-on blue month that it has often been in the past. But I think as I've gotten a better hold on my depression, anxiety has replaced it. The only break I had all month was my trip to California. (My anxiety was much, much less then. Though even on vacation I had my moments.) Trying to cope with the near constant chest tightening, heart racing feeling meant that I chose to escape by reading extremely easy stuff, in several cases re-reading novels I knew were lighthearted and easy and that would plain let me escape from this oppressive feeling. It was a busy month, and I did manage to get through the basics (we never went without clean clothes or food, the kids got their homework done, I pulled off all my primary responsibilities, and I even plowed my way through the taxes) but when I should have been writing, I just couldn't. When I should have been setting up appointments that needed to be made, I "accidentally" forgot, over and over. (Phone calls seriously increase the anxiety.)
Worst of all, I ate terribly. To cope with anxiety (and because I was reading so much) I was constantly eating too much. Well, and marathon training took me by surprise. I am so hungry, almost all the time. Don't try training for a marathon in order to lose weight. The exercise is very helpful for stress relief (I feel better while exercising) but yeah, these long runs on Saturdays (I have a 3 1/2 hour run ahead of me this week again) are a killer in more ways than one. I didn't think I would be able to eat enough calories to make up for running 18 miles, but no, I'm so ravenous it's not a problem.
So anyway, I really wasn't a slug on the couch who refused to cope with her life at all, and I more or less had a decent month. Yet now I feel blue (mixed with mild anxiety) as if my life is falling apart. It isn't. My kids are healthy and happy, school is going as well as it ever does, primary is more or less running smoothly, and even if my house is not pristine, it's also not a bona fide disaster either.
*sigh*
I've got to get a handle on this stress.
I've said that a lot over the last few years. Terence and I were talking about it, and I pretty much pinpointed the switch from major depressive episodes to anxiety sometime after K was born. Was the anxiety inevitable as my family got larger? I don't know. My visiting teacher (who had six kids in about the same spread of time as my five) told me recently that I'm heading into the hardest stretch, with kids stretching three schools and teenage challenges intenisfied. (She's on the other end now, with her youngest a senior in high school.) That's less than encouraging, right? But of course it's true. My oldest starts high school this summer (yikes!) and the youngest still won't even be in school yet. I've got a lot of different stages going on here at the same time.
A solution has to be out there. Somewhere. Over the rainbow?
In the meantime, I'll keep plodding along. Time to get my kids up and headed out for the day. Onward!
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