Light/Dark

Does anyone else feel like they have schizophrenic moods?

Honestly, I feel like I am two separate people sometimes.  There is Light Heidi, the rather upbeat, hardworking mom who loves her kids devotedly and enjoys every second with her husband.  That's the one who is eager to help other people, who basically looks around at life and is amazed at her good fortune.

Then there's Dark Heidi.  The one who's impatient and angry, tired and irritable, the one who is so stressed that if she gets asked to help anyone for any reason it makes her want to scream.  This is not a pretty place to dwell mentally at all.  It shows up most often at night, but sometimes during the PMS period of the month Dark Heidi swoops in all day long.

I've been taught (and taught and re-taught again) that moods are a choice.  How we feel and react is completely within our control.  But it seems to me that when Dark Heidi is on the prowl (like right now, for instance) that the more I try to "control" my reactions and feelings the worse it gets.

Ugh.

Yes, I've had so many solutions offered to me.  Try this supplement!  There is an oil for that!  Just slow down and eliminate the stress!  Meditate!  Find somewhere to hide and pray!

None of those things work in the moment. 

I feel like I've been taken over by a stranger.  And it can come on so suddenly.

There are three common things that I can point to as "triggers" for my abrupt mood changes. (Yes, they are abrupt.  Everything can be peachy keen and all of a sudden, I'm snarling when someone talks to me, surprising both of us.)  The first one has to be hormonal.  It is so blatantly tied to PMS that Terence can literally predict that I am about to start my period, even though I am nowhere near regular, just by my moodiness.  The second is when I am stressed out, when I am rushing around with six hundred things hanging over my head.  The last is when I am tired.

Like tonight.

Like every night, because when you get up at 4:30am and there is no such thing as "downtime" at night-- seriously, between kids' homework and activities, my jobs, and the fact that Terence is working at this time of night, I get a convergence of stress and exhaustion almost every single night.

(B just interrupted me and I snapped at her.  Yes, Dark Heidi is running the show.  And all she wanted to do was point out that there was a Kindness Challenge posted on Habitica that she wanted us to do because 30 days of focusing on kindness would be a nice thing.  Such a slap in the face for the out-of-bounds mom.)

*sigh*

I just want to be in control.  My friend Kim talked in church today about how much better her life was when she accepted that she wasn't in control . . . but I'm not sure what would apply here.  There has to be a way to stay in control of my own moods.  Or at least I need to be in control of my own mouth, even if inside I am a murmuring, angry, unhappy mess of exhaustion.

Well, I know one thing that helps at least.  I think the kids are just about finished up and ready for bed, which means that I can crawl into bed and crash myself.  Sleep is the best help so far.  Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up with Light Heidi firmly in charge.