Selfish? Or Survival?
Just a quick check in, only because I finished my NaNo words for the day already so I've got a moment.
Last week was a rough, non-stop week. And I've kind of got a rough, non-stop week ahead of me too. I had a full on panic attack the other night-- the kind of sobbing, gasping, I can't breathe attack over my schedule. Mostly the anxiety got that bad because I let myself get too tired. In the morning I can usually make a plan to handle it all. But every night the anxiety kicks back in and I just don't know how I'm going to juggle everything at the same time.
I have managed to juggle it all so far. That's something at least.
But how long can I keep this up?
Terence says I'm killing myself with stress. I might be. I don't think that my body even knows how to NOT be stressed anymore. But what do I let go? The writing? After all, a lot of the pressure right now is because people keep throwing more things into my schedule and how am I going to be able to write 1700 words on top of meetings/dentist/temple/visiting/service projects/school projects/another freaking trip to Walmart for something someone has to have for tomorrow???? That is my life in general, has been for years, so the big wrench right now of course is the NaNo writing.
But the NaNo writing is for me. Do I give up the one thing I want for myself this month? Am I being selfish to insist that I get to do this, even though it is turning me into a snarling beast some nights because of the stress?
I don't want to give it up. This is part of my mental survival-- I look forward to this, and writing is just so much of a part of me. So instead, I insist that I CAN do it all, I can juggle five kids and the house and Terence and friends and church and school and exercise and work without dropping anything and still have time left over for myself, so I can write enough every day to win NaNo.
Enough complaining.
On the blessing end of things, today we celebrated S turning 7. I can't believe my baby is so big. And she is still a delight and a joy, a tornado of enthusiasm and energy and just an all around upbeat girl. What a gift from heaven!!! I'm so glad I get to be her mom.
See? Another reason to keep going and juggle it all. I can do this.
Last week was a rough, non-stop week. And I've kind of got a rough, non-stop week ahead of me too. I had a full on panic attack the other night-- the kind of sobbing, gasping, I can't breathe attack over my schedule. Mostly the anxiety got that bad because I let myself get too tired. In the morning I can usually make a plan to handle it all. But every night the anxiety kicks back in and I just don't know how I'm going to juggle everything at the same time.
I have managed to juggle it all so far. That's something at least.
But how long can I keep this up?
Terence says I'm killing myself with stress. I might be. I don't think that my body even knows how to NOT be stressed anymore. But what do I let go? The writing? After all, a lot of the pressure right now is because people keep throwing more things into my schedule and how am I going to be able to write 1700 words on top of meetings/dentist/temple/visiting/service projects/school projects/another freaking trip to Walmart for something someone has to have for tomorrow???? That is my life in general, has been for years, so the big wrench right now of course is the NaNo writing.
But the NaNo writing is for me. Do I give up the one thing I want for myself this month? Am I being selfish to insist that I get to do this, even though it is turning me into a snarling beast some nights because of the stress?
I don't want to give it up. This is part of my mental survival-- I look forward to this, and writing is just so much of a part of me. So instead, I insist that I CAN do it all, I can juggle five kids and the house and Terence and friends and church and school and exercise and work without dropping anything and still have time left over for myself, so I can write enough every day to win NaNo.
Enough complaining.
On the blessing end of things, today we celebrated S turning 7. I can't believe my baby is so big. And she is still a delight and a joy, a tornado of enthusiasm and energy and just an all around upbeat girl. What a gift from heaven!!! I'm so glad I get to be her mom.
See? Another reason to keep going and juggle it all. I can do this.
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