Service Reflections

From the time I was little, I was always taught that helping people makes you feel really good inside. Were you taught about the warm glow that would be your reward for serving others?

Quite frankly, as I started to get older, I wondered about that. During my teenage years, we would have service projects for church and boy, did I ever dread them! Working in a soup kitchen, caroling in the retirement home, doing those "service scavenger hunts," it all made me feel anything but a warm glow.

More like acute discomfort. I think the only one I really enjoyed was picking oranges.

Is it because I am a basically selfish person who doesn't like to waste my time on other people? No, I don't think that's it. It took me a long time to make the connection and realize that it wasn't because I was a closet Grinch that volunteering or helping others made me feel anything but happy.

It was leaving my comfort zone that left me feeling like delivering meals to housebound seniors would give me ulcers.

Fortunately, I haven't let the imaginary ulceritis stop me from getting involved. And I've found that if it's something that I continue to do regularly (like helping out in my kids' classrooms), eventually the sick-with-dread feeling will disappear, and I will be able to enjoy the service. But so many service opportunities are one time shots, leaving me no chance to get used to the situation.

It's hard, and sometimes I wonder if I'm truly doing any good for the other person, or myself. And sometimes I have this ridiculous fear that everything I do to help someone else isn't for them, or for God even, but to make myself look good to other people. Look at all I do, so I must be a good person! And then like the hypocrite, that will be my only reward.

But that can't be true-- somewhere inside me there must be the seeds of divine compassion because when I see someone in need I feel compelled to help. Not because I hope other people notice, but because where would I be without all the help that sweet friends and even strangers have showered on me? How can I not serve in return?

But sometime I wonder if it will ever get easy. Will it ever just feel plain good when I help someone else?