Digging Below the Surface

Is a good marriage luck? Hard work? A blessing from heaven? A combination of all of the above?

I had this discussion with someone close to me last night. Her marriage is in shambles at the moment, and she keeps trying to come up with different reasons why that is the case. Sometimes she's convinced that she married the wrong person in the first place, sometimes she's sure it's because of mistakes that have been made along the way, and sometimes she believes she got married too young. Last night she was in her most pessimistic mood, certain that there is no such thing as a happy marriage.

I had to point out that I know that such a broad generalization can't be true because my marriage contradicts it. I wasn't bragging-- and I think she knew that-- but I pointed out that 11 years later I love my husband more than I did when I married him and not only that, I'm actually happy in my marriage. I can read Twilight and not pine after Edward. It only reminds me of how satisfied I am with my own personal romance. It's an incredible fulfilling part of my life. Of course, it's not perfect, and we have our moments where we storm against each other, but those are little blips that we have learned to resolve.

Then again, her husband thought everything was fine for years too, not having even the slightest clue that he was making his wife's life miserable. (Just to double-check, I verified with Terence last night that he is happy in our marriage too. He strongly reaffirmed that if I ever made him unhappy he would let me know. So I take that to mean that my happiness is not a one-sided illusion.)

So what is the secret to my good marriage? I've read all kinds of secular marriage help studies and such, and they seem to believe that knowing someone really well for a long time beforehand, getting married when you're older, and practicing good communication skills are paramount in having a successful marriage. The church sources emphasize putting God first in your life, unselfishness in your treatment of your spouse, marrying the right person in the right place at the right time (which means getting spiritual confirmation of your choice and living up to church standards). I guess I've managed some of these things: putting God first (I try, anyway), getting a spiritual confirmation of my choice, and living the church standards to the best of my ability. Oh, and I guess I got married when I was older (not by the world's standards, but certainly by the opinion of some in the Mormon culture).

On the other hand, I kind of got engaged on the quick side-- from the time Terence and I first met to the day we got married was barely a year. (Our 8 month long engagement was the only reason we made it to that year mark. It was funny: my church friends wondered why on earth we were waiting so long, while my coworkers thought I was rushing headlong into something I would regret!) As for being unselfish, well, I've really struggled with that (who doesn't?). And I came into marriage with pathetic communication skills. They are better now (after 11 years) but still leave much room for improvement. I have a horrific temper that sometimes gets fully unleashed on my husband. Plus, wonderful as Terence is, he has some challenging weaknesses as well that have threatened to drive a massive wedge between us. And just for good measure, we threw some monkey wrenches into the mix right in the beginning because we came from different racial, socioeconomic, and educational backgrounds-- and all the "experts" say those things can break a marriage.

I could be trite and say that we have been happy because we've stayed active in the church. But we've all known "active" couples whose marriages fall apart-- or who stay together but are utterly miserable. I could say that it is because I've put the Lord first and He has blessed me-- and while I'm sure that's partly true, the Lord also doesn't take away someone else's agency. No matter how much I may try to keep the commandments and be the best spouse I could be, my husband could still choose otherwise, making our marriage a mess.

So is it luck then? I just happened to marry someone who would decide that God would stay in the number one spot too? Or we had such good examples in how to make a marriage work from our parents that it was inevitable we would learn to be good partners? (That one nearly made me snort out loud!)

I have been pondering this for quite awhile-- partly because I wish I could help someone I love unravel her difficult situation and partly because I want to make sure that Terence and I stay happy. How can we keep our marriage happy for the next forty years if it is solely luck that we're happy now? A bad turn of events would turn it completely upside down. But if we are doing something right, what is it exactly? I've heard so many pat answers to this, but I've also seen the reality of a ton of unhappy couples, even after 30 years together.

Please share your thoughts-- what truly makes a happy marriage?