A VT Question

Well, I certainly haven't been writing in my blog as frequently as I used to! Chalk it up to sheer fatigue. Lately when I sit down at my computer I tend to doze off. (And this is before I even have a newborn keeping me awake at night!)

Anyway, today's blog post will mean more to those of you who are Mormon than those who aren't. (Not that I'm saying not to read this if you're not. It's just that if you aren't, some of the things I'm going to talk about may sound like a foreign language.) Since most of you who read my blog are already familiar with the church, it shouldn't be all that confusing though.

Last Saturday was the General Relief Society meeting. Back when we lived in Sanders, I loved when the Relief Society broadcast rolled around. Our stake hosted a dinner off at the stake center in Holbrook, and a couple of the young women always volunteered to watch the kids so I could go. I would carpool with four or five other sisters from my branch, and we would have a fun, chatty 45 minute drive together, eat a dinner we didn't have to cook, and then watch the meeting broadcast from Salt Lake. It was a great break, one that gave me some time to be Heidi for a change, instead of just Mommy.

Nowadays, it's not the same. Though until recently I had a stake center quite a drive away (that may have even put on dinners, for all I know), there wasn't much of a coordinated effort for us to drive out there as a group of women. I didn't have a couple of young women who volunteered to babysit, and so I was always stuck at home. I still tune in though-- with high speed internet access and the fact that the session is immediately available, I've been able to watch the session after I put my kids to bed. (It's not the same though-- I miss all the chatty "girl time.")

Anyway, by the time I watched this year's broadcast it was already late and I was tired. I think I kind of zoned through the talks of all the presidency-- every time something actually penetrated my fog, it made me feel guilty. I'm sure that wasn't the intention at all. (Fortunately, President Uchtdorf's talk at the end had the exact opposite result on me. I felt as if he was directly speaking to me and everything he said encouraged me.)

One of the things one of the sisters said did penetrate my consciousness quite forcefully though. I'm paraphrasing here, but it seemed like she said the old way of doing visiting teaching is not good enough (i.e. making a visit, sending a card, sharing the message, and just checking it off your list of things to do). Now we need to love and care for our sisters and be involved in their lives, so we can really spiritually strengthen them and help them when they are in need.

I agree with this all in theory, but in practice I fall woefully short. I've never been the best visiting teacher, and quite frankly, sometimes I am just checking a duty off the list when I do it. Why? Why don't I just love and care for the sisters I visit?

In reality, I do care about most of the sisters I visit. I've become friends with them. But usually, there's at least one who I'm pretty sure doesn't want me bothering her. Often, it's a sister who doesn't attend church anymore, who barely tolerates having "visiting teachers" at all. In a case like this, where I feel awkward and unwanted, it's hard for me to feel more than the duty part. I put off making any contact with the sister (for fear of rejection and because of my own awkwardness) until the very, very end of the month. And how can there be much love involved if I just wait until the last day of the month and then dash off a hurried note to say I'm thinking of her and drop it in the mail? That doesn't seem much like I care, and it is definitely just an attempt to check something of my to-do list.

So my question for all of you is-- in this case, is it better to keep treating visiting teaching as a duty? Are those hurried notes better than nothing at all? Or is it worse than nothing, a reminder that I don't consider these sisters important enough to make an effort to be involved in their lives? Since we are supposed to be moving on to a better way of doing things, is it all or nothing? Either I somehow come to love these sisters, or why bother because I'm already failing?

I can be pretty sure that if I just give up on visiting a sister because she's not so enthusiastic about it and I struggle to feel more interest in her personally, I'm going to get a lot more "pep talks" at church about doing my visiting teaching. And don't mistake me, I'm not saying that I don't like the whole idea. In fact, I'm quite certain that Jesus wants me to love and visit these sisters.

But I'm only human and that overwhelming love for everyone doesn't yet dwell in my heart. So now what?