Slow Poison
Have you ever been in the position of going through a trial and feeling like it will never, ever end?
This week has definitely been one of those weeks. . . I feel like I'm barely coping yet on the other hand I keep reminding myself that things aren't really so bad. Other people I know are going through much harder adversity. But reminding myself that things could be so much worse doesn't seem to be having much of a mood-lifting effect. Emotionally I feel like I vacillate between feeling miserable and feeling just empty inside. I've had a couple of brighter moments-- my mom and I took the kids to the zoo on Friday and it was so nice to get outside, enjoy cooler weather, and forget about all that has been plaguing me lately. However, when I got home the escape ended and all the weight of the half-dozen different things that have gone wrong this week settled back onto my shoulders.
I'm supposed to be preparing my Sunday School lesson right now, but I can't seem to focus on it longer than a minute. It's just one more thing that I feel guilty about. I think half of my problem is feeling guilty about a bunch of different things. My mom says I am trying to take on responsibility for things that aren't mine to bear, and I know she's right (at least for some of it). Yet knowing it and being able to let things go are two different things. I haven't figured out the letting go part.
Well, here's my shot at an antidote this morning. (I'm hoping it works long enough for me to get my lesson planned and then my hectic morning tackled.) I'm going to list ten specific things that I am grateful for right this minute:
This week has definitely been one of those weeks. . . I feel like I'm barely coping yet on the other hand I keep reminding myself that things aren't really so bad. Other people I know are going through much harder adversity. But reminding myself that things could be so much worse doesn't seem to be having much of a mood-lifting effect. Emotionally I feel like I vacillate between feeling miserable and feeling just empty inside. I've had a couple of brighter moments-- my mom and I took the kids to the zoo on Friday and it was so nice to get outside, enjoy cooler weather, and forget about all that has been plaguing me lately. However, when I got home the escape ended and all the weight of the half-dozen different things that have gone wrong this week settled back onto my shoulders.
I'm supposed to be preparing my Sunday School lesson right now, but I can't seem to focus on it longer than a minute. It's just one more thing that I feel guilty about. I think half of my problem is feeling guilty about a bunch of different things. My mom says I am trying to take on responsibility for things that aren't mine to bear, and I know she's right (at least for some of it). Yet knowing it and being able to let things go are two different things. I haven't figured out the letting go part.
Well, here's my shot at an antidote this morning. (I'm hoping it works long enough for me to get my lesson planned and then my hectic morning tackled.) I'm going to list ten specific things that I am grateful for right this minute:
- S, because she's such a cutie pie at the moment. (She's standing next to me and dropping things and saying, "Uh-oh!")
- I had hot water for my shower this morning.
- The other four kids are still asleep.
- It's 56 degrees outside. (But it's only the middle of October. A miracle!)
- Terence has a long off-duty job tomorrow. Overtime pay that is desperately needed after all the extra money we had to fork out this week.
- My sister Camie and her family come to visit next week.
- My kids don't have school this week.
- Amy has offered to watch my kids overnight in December so that Terence and I can have a whole night off to ourselves.
- Terence doesn't have to work today and so will be able to help with the kids and church.
- I'm wearing some yummy-tasting lip balm.
There. I'm feeling somewhat better, enough to get on with my morning. Hopefully it lasts!
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