Ships Passing in the Night
This is the time of the year when I rarely see my husband. Well, most of the year we don't see as much of each other as I would like (though that's pretty normal in any marriage, at least if you like spending time together). However, when spring hits and Terence works traffic control for the big Renaissance Festival, our paths cross so little that there is a big risk of becoming complete strangers.
I'm sure you've heard the same sad stories I have, of couples who raise their children to adulthood only to find once the kids are gone and their lives calm down that they don't know each other any more and worse, they don't like each other. Soon they're convinced that love is all lost and they part ways. I don't want this to be the story of my marriage. Though I love Terence dearly now, I don't want to find fifteen years from now when the kids are grown and he retires from cop life that we don't have anything in common anymore-- or that I don't know anything about the person he's become.
Maybe you can relate. In a world of demanding careers, children with extra busy schedules, and possibly time consuming church service, maybe you don't see your spouse (if you are married) much either. Just on the off chance that someone else is struggling with the same kind of challenge, I thought I'd share my game plan for dealing with this, something we've hammered out and honed after six years of spring schedule madness.
1-- Lower Expectations
During this time I drastically change what I expect from my husband. I don't plan on much help with the children or the house or with anything else, for that matter. It's not that we shouldn't be partners and that he shouldn't help or that he will never have time to help-- but it helps me avoid disappointment when he's just not around or available. It's much better to have the opportunity to be surprised when Terence has the energy and time to clean up the kitchen than always to be grumbling that I'm doing everything on my own again. Attitude is key-- if I resent him for not being around, there's a big wedge that prevents us connecting when we do have the chance.
2-- Sneak Some Together Time
I try to make it a priority to spend at least a little time with him every day just talking or touching or whatever we have time for (without kids around). For us this usually ends up being the last 15 minutes before he leaves for work. I come and hang out in the bathroom and we talk while he is getting ready for work. Then I even follow him out to the car before he leaves (stretching those minutes out as much as I can). Make it a priority to fit this time in. It may not be convenient (trust me, 2:30 pm around here is never a convenient time), but it really is worth it. A small investment of time helps us feel that we are still working together as a team, even if we are each flying solo much of the day.
3-- Be Courageous
I've had to get out of my comfort zone and tackle things on my own. It's not easy to face down church or the school fair or the zoo or the Pinewood Derby alone with the kids (especially since I've got five). But I do it anyway. I think things would be harder and more depressing and more likely to create resentment if we never got out or if all life had to be postponed until we had Daddy with us.
4-- Communicate Clearly
Maybe I'm the only one who struggles with this, but . . . I have to remember that my husband is not a mind reader. If I've had a really hard day and I desperately want him to tackle the dishes, it works better if I politely ask him for help (leaving the nag locked up in the closet). Or if I do get angry or irritated or annoyed with Terence, it's far better if I just tell him straight up ("It really frustrates me when you are playing on the computer instead of helping me get the kids ready for bed") rather than getting huffy and hurt and letting it fester inside.
5-- Recharge the Batteries
In all this I absolutely need some "me time." It's hard enough to come by when my husband is around but essential when his schedule never lines up with mine. This takes creativity sometimes. I manage it by getting up early or by checking my kids in the gym daycare while the older ones are at school or by paying M to watch the younger ones while I nap. Sometimes when Terence does have some time at home, he watches the kids and gives me a break. (I have to clearly and in a non-naggy voice ask for this.) But it's also important to remember that Terence needs his downtime too. He is working a crazy schedule, and he is going to need his time to zone out and decompress, watching videos or whatever. I work hard to respect his need for a break as well, and I try not to get resentful when he takes one.
6-- Count Your Blessings!!
During really hectic stretches sometime I joke that I'm living like a single parent. It does feel like I am doing everything on my own, but then I remember that I'm not. No matter how heavy the burden of childcare and running a household and managing church and other activities may seem when I am doing it all alone, I'm still not really alone. For one, I'm not trying to make a living AND take care of everything else. I am very, very grateful for a husband that works so hard to provide enough that I can stay home with the kids. Also, the more I express gratitude for my husband and the time that we do get to spend together, the happier I feel about the whole situation.
Well, that's the plan. I don't have it perfectly put into action at all times. However, we keep working at it and every year it's just a little bit easier. We may only be two ships passing in the night at times, but I still manage to sneak a kiss as we go by!
I'm sure you've heard the same sad stories I have, of couples who raise their children to adulthood only to find once the kids are gone and their lives calm down that they don't know each other any more and worse, they don't like each other. Soon they're convinced that love is all lost and they part ways. I don't want this to be the story of my marriage. Though I love Terence dearly now, I don't want to find fifteen years from now when the kids are grown and he retires from cop life that we don't have anything in common anymore-- or that I don't know anything about the person he's become.
Maybe you can relate. In a world of demanding careers, children with extra busy schedules, and possibly time consuming church service, maybe you don't see your spouse (if you are married) much either. Just on the off chance that someone else is struggling with the same kind of challenge, I thought I'd share my game plan for dealing with this, something we've hammered out and honed after six years of spring schedule madness.
1-- Lower Expectations
During this time I drastically change what I expect from my husband. I don't plan on much help with the children or the house or with anything else, for that matter. It's not that we shouldn't be partners and that he shouldn't help or that he will never have time to help-- but it helps me avoid disappointment when he's just not around or available. It's much better to have the opportunity to be surprised when Terence has the energy and time to clean up the kitchen than always to be grumbling that I'm doing everything on my own again. Attitude is key-- if I resent him for not being around, there's a big wedge that prevents us connecting when we do have the chance.
2-- Sneak Some Together Time
I try to make it a priority to spend at least a little time with him every day just talking or touching or whatever we have time for (without kids around). For us this usually ends up being the last 15 minutes before he leaves for work. I come and hang out in the bathroom and we talk while he is getting ready for work. Then I even follow him out to the car before he leaves (stretching those minutes out as much as I can). Make it a priority to fit this time in. It may not be convenient (trust me, 2:30 pm around here is never a convenient time), but it really is worth it. A small investment of time helps us feel that we are still working together as a team, even if we are each flying solo much of the day.
3-- Be Courageous
I've had to get out of my comfort zone and tackle things on my own. It's not easy to face down church or the school fair or the zoo or the Pinewood Derby alone with the kids (especially since I've got five). But I do it anyway. I think things would be harder and more depressing and more likely to create resentment if we never got out or if all life had to be postponed until we had Daddy with us.
4-- Communicate Clearly
Maybe I'm the only one who struggles with this, but . . . I have to remember that my husband is not a mind reader. If I've had a really hard day and I desperately want him to tackle the dishes, it works better if I politely ask him for help (leaving the nag locked up in the closet). Or if I do get angry or irritated or annoyed with Terence, it's far better if I just tell him straight up ("It really frustrates me when you are playing on the computer instead of helping me get the kids ready for bed") rather than getting huffy and hurt and letting it fester inside.
5-- Recharge the Batteries
In all this I absolutely need some "me time." It's hard enough to come by when my husband is around but essential when his schedule never lines up with mine. This takes creativity sometimes. I manage it by getting up early or by checking my kids in the gym daycare while the older ones are at school or by paying M to watch the younger ones while I nap. Sometimes when Terence does have some time at home, he watches the kids and gives me a break. (I have to clearly and in a non-naggy voice ask for this.) But it's also important to remember that Terence needs his downtime too. He is working a crazy schedule, and he is going to need his time to zone out and decompress, watching videos or whatever. I work hard to respect his need for a break as well, and I try not to get resentful when he takes one.
6-- Count Your Blessings!!
During really hectic stretches sometime I joke that I'm living like a single parent. It does feel like I am doing everything on my own, but then I remember that I'm not. No matter how heavy the burden of childcare and running a household and managing church and other activities may seem when I am doing it all alone, I'm still not really alone. For one, I'm not trying to make a living AND take care of everything else. I am very, very grateful for a husband that works so hard to provide enough that I can stay home with the kids. Also, the more I express gratitude for my husband and the time that we do get to spend together, the happier I feel about the whole situation.
Well, that's the plan. I don't have it perfectly put into action at all times. However, we keep working at it and every year it's just a little bit easier. We may only be two ships passing in the night at times, but I still manage to sneak a kiss as we go by!
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