Mortal Thoughts

Disclaimer: Before you read this, I promise that no, I'm not feeling suicidal, I'm taking my meds again and they are making a huge difference, so no need to worry that I'm plotting to end my life!

OK, on with the post. I tend to be flippant about all kinds of things, and I probably won't be able to help myself here too, but this is actually a serious subject.

Death. (A melancholy bell tolls in the distance.)

Just the word seems so gloomy and final. Some people manage to go through their whole lives never even considering the subject, but I've never been able to live in such denial. (I had a coworker once who, when I asked him what he thought would happen when he died, looked puzzled for a moment before answering, "I have no idea. I've never thought about it before.") Thoughts about dying do cross my mind at times, but usually, it's in the mild speculation category like "I wonder who will meet me when I die?" and "Will I outlive my husband?" Then I dismiss it and move on with my life. However, a few incidents the last two days have repeatedly forced me to think about death.

Terence started it, actually. He brought up the first fatality accident he ever responded to. Of course, in his six years as an officer, he's had quite a few by now, but the first one shook him in the way that the rest haven't. It was up on the I-40; a guy and a girl in their 20's crashed and the girl was thrown from the car. When Terence arrived she was still alive and didn't even appear badly injured, but she died while he was on scene. The guy was perfectly fine, not even injured. It's always haunted Terence since-- one minute she was happily heading down the freeway, probably with all kinds of plans for her future, and the next minute, it's over.

Then, when I was on the way back from picking B up from school yesterday, I actually paid attention to a little trio of three white crosses by some railroad tracks near our home. I remember the accident that resulted in the memorial-- it was a car vs. train one that shut down the road for hours. But I never really thought about the people. Was it a mom and her two kids in a minivan, just like I was at that moment? Did they have any idea it was coming, or were they merrily on their way and poof! life was over? Did they tell their families they loved them before they left that morning to school or work?

Morbid, I know, but for a moment, it was if the veil was lifted again and I could see just how short this life is, and how trivial so many of my "big" worries are (like getting the kids to school on time.)

Finally, while browsing for something to check out at the library yesterday, a particular big yellow book caught my attention and I couldn't resist. Terence walked into the kitchen last night to see me reading this book while I was making dinner, and he did a double-take. "You're reading about making a will?" he asked incredulously. Yeah, a little different than my normal YA fantasy or Chinese history tomes. But it's something that really needs to be done, especially since we have kids, and I might as well get it over with.

Making a will is actually a fascinating subject. It's been interesting to learn what you can and can't leave to people, and conditions you can or can't put on things. If you want to leave your final insults to people, you can do that also, but they warn us in the book that you can still be sued for libel even if you're dead, so you may want to be careful with that. Just in case you were thinking of using your will to send one final parting shot at that obnoxious archenemy of yours.

So with all these thoughts about my mortality, I'm planning to get started on my will today. Of course, the book advises that if you think your will is going to be contested, skip the do-it-yourself version and hire a lawyer. So, anybody out there planning to contest my will? Just so I can be prepared, you know.