At an Impasse
It's so nice to have church in the afternoon again! It means I get one day a week where my morning is a bit calmer, and I actually get to sleep in a little.
Since I have a bit more time this morning, I thought I'd write about a relationship dilemma that I'm having with my husband. For any of you who have better communication and negotiation skills, perhaps you can give some pointers to help me out.
Recently, Terence and I have run into two particular situations where we have a fundamental difference of opinion, and I guess neither of us feels we can back down. Don't worry, our marriage isn't breaking apart! But still, we haven't been able to resolve the situation in a way that pleases both of us.
I'll share one of them (just like a case study). One major divisive issue between us involves getting to church on time. I'll admit it, I can be a little bit fanatical about getting to things on time. I was raised in a house where being punctual was very much emphasized. My husband, on the other hand, really doesn't see the need to shorten his life by worrying unnecessarily about being late. In most instances, I bear with it, and sometimes even manage to see the humor in the situation when we are late again, instead of getting upset.
However, I really, really don't like being late to church. This is nothing new. Terence and I have struggled with this issue for our entire marriage. It's only gotten worse as we've added more children to the family, and I have spent hours getting everybody ready so we can be to church on time, only to be late because of Terence. Most Sundays I am sitting in the van in the driveway with all four kids strapped in their seats, drumming my fingers on the steering wheel impatiently while we wait for Terence to finally saunter out.
Believe me, we've discussed this issue frequently. Even in calm, rational conversations where we both try to see the other person's point of view. I've explained that I would just like to get there early enough to hear a little prelude music, maybe get to hear the announcements for once, and mentally get prepared for the sacrament. Terence just says that I am making things worse because I always end up angry and irritated during the drive to church, and he believes I should use the drive to church to prepare for the sacrament. Well, he's got a point, if I'm going to walk in every week just as the sacrament hymn is going on, I need to spend the drive there in some other mood than irritated and impatient. But still, I just feel it is so important to be there on time. And if I understand Terence's point of view correctly, as long as we get there in time to take the sacrament, that's all that really matters, since that's the most important part of church.
In other periods of our life, we have skirted this issue by me leaving for church meetings on my own with the kids, and Terence following later. But now, with the chapel so far from our house, it's much more expensive to drive two cars just so I can get there fifteen minutes before my husband.
Any advice? How would you handle this situation if you were me? Should I just let it go? If I should, how do I go about not caring that I'm late?
Comments
As for being late to church and being totally OK with it? What on earth? Our church leaders (on a local and stake level) have told us time and again that being late is unacceptable. You don't waltz in when you feel like it, you get there on time. Sometimes things come up, but you do your best, not when you get around to it. Not only is your late entrance distracting to every single person in the congregation, but it shows a lack of respect for what is going on. People who are perpetually late are in a way very self-absorbed in that they don't believe they're affecting anyone else, or if they are, those other people can live with it. I've never understood that. And I've argued about this very thing with my own spouse (and I'm getting worked up now just thinking about it) so I'm afraid I'm totally useless.
This is what I would say to him if I were you (though I'm betting you've probably already said this to him): "I understand you don't want to feel rushed and stress about being on time, but it is important to me to be on time to church." Maybe he could just get up 15 minutes earlier or whatever it takes for him to not feel rushed and stressed about getting there on time.
Good luck!
In my expereince, being late is often not so much about organization or procrastination but a way to control situations or others. Many times this is a subconscious response developed very young when many of us have no control over difficult situations. It becomes habitual as we practice it year after year. It is a difficult habit to break but it can be done. In this situation I don't believe you are likely to have much success until Terence choses to be in control by being on time to church. With church, there could be the issue of establishment authority as well. Enough psychology. Good luck with that one....
One thing to tell TJ is that we have been asked on several occasions from several sources to be in our seats 10 minutes early so that we can prepare for the sacrament and so that we don't drive away the spirit. I don't know if it will help, but you can give it a shot.
And if you find anything that works, PLEASE let me know!
Nic drives me NUTS! We have to leave early for him to prep sacrament and we are ALWAYS waiting on him - usually sitting in the car waiting. I try and tell him how inconsiderate it is when he's the one that needs to be there 45 mins early and not us!