Love Languages

Three posts in three days-- I haven't done this for awhile! I guess I just have more to say (or maybe a little more free time?) Anyway, I read an interesting book this week and I wanted to share my thoughts on it. The book is called The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It's basically one of those improve-your-marriage books, but it caught my interest because my sister Camie had referred to it. For those of you who know Camie, she's not a reader. Oh, she can read just fine (the girl's got a bachelor's degree from UC Santa Barbara after all), but it's not high on her list of things she likes to do. In fact, I suspect she would rather clean her house than pick up a novel, kind of the exact opposite of me. (As a side note, for all you people who sneer at Twilight, you've got to admit there is some power in those books. My sister read all four, which is simply remarkable.) Well, Camie told me that part of the Love Languages book changed her life because it significantly changed how she saw her marriage. Intriguing, to say the least.

So what was this earth-shattering tidbit of information for Camie? At the beginning of the book, the author discusses the difference between the "falling in love" feeling and real love. I bet most of you have experienced the "falling in love" feeling before. It's that heady, exhilarating stage at the beginning of a relationship where you believe the other person is perfect, you can't stop thinking of them day or night, you would rather be with them than do anything else, and you're sure that you've found your soulmate. Real love, of course, is much different, comes later, and is all about learning to put someone else before yourself. The author shares some research that states that this euphoric falling in love feeling never lasts more than two years. (Unless it's a very secretive affair, in which case those feelings might stagger on a bit longer.) Not more than two years for anybody. So when you come back down to earth, either it's time to get on with the business of overlooking your partner's faults and learning to put him first, or you will assume that you don't love this person anymore and move on to someone else.

As Camie recapped for me, this means that if you assume those super excited feelings are real love and that's what you want, your only choice is to go looking for a new relationship every couple of years. The choice she made was to understand that she still loved her husband even when that stage was over and that she would stay with him no matter what. In other words, she decided the grass was not going to be greener on the other side.

I'm not implying that Camie was on the verge of leaving her husband, but it does affect how she sees their relationship now. And for them, this may mean the difference between a marriage that lasts and one that dies. Life changing, for sure.

Well, for me the second part of the book was the most fascinating. The author's theory is that everyone has a primary love language, a way you need to be treated to feel loved. He divides these ways into five different categories: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. For example, if you are a "receiving gifts" girl, you will not truly feel loved unless you are being given something. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive, but thoughtful gifts fill your "love tank." I happen to be a quality time person. So if Terence doesn't spend a little time every day focusing on me and nothing else, and especially listening to me with true interest, I don't feel very loved. Terence's language is physical touch. (I think this might be a common one with guys.) If I don't touch him, and especially if there is no intimacy, he doesn't feel loved. Of course things in all the areas will make you feel loved, but usually there's one area that matters the most.

It wasn't really the spouse part that I found so applicable to my life. Apparently, Terence and I stumbled on the ways to make each other feel loved long ago, and that's partly why we have such a happy marriage. It was the fact that you can apply this to your children. If my children have a particular way that makes them feel more loved than anything else, it's something I would like to take advantage of! So for the last couple days, Terence and I have been watching the kids and trying to decide what their love languages might be. We have decided (tentatively) that the girls are both quality time, since having undivided attention is such a big deal for them. J seems to be a physical touch boy. (There is nothing he loves better than to snuggle up to me and have me scratch his head or his back.) Of course, K is too young to figure out, but I'm sure as he gets older he'll give us some clues. So we are going to focus on doing a little something each day with each of the kids to make sure they get those needs met and see if it makes any difference. A little more undivided attention and hugs can never go wrong!

So if you are intrigued yourself, Dr. Chapman has a website you can check out:http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ . Or if you're a reader, see if you can get your hands on a copy of the book. Very interesting stuff!

Update: As Ashlie suggested, I went ahead and posted a poll question asking what you think your love language is. There is a quiz on the website I listed above that will help you figure it out, or you can always take your best guess. Just FYI, I took the quiz and learned that I am nearly even with three of the languages-- apparently I am also a words of affirmation and a physical touch kind of girl. The affirmation part sounded like me, but the physical touch was a huge surprise. Except to my husband. He says I'm a very touchy person. Hmmm. Guess I never recognized that about myself, but maybe that explains why I kissed so many guys growing up. Just looking for a little love to go in the tank, I guess.