Stress Bug

I went to bed early last night. Well, not early by my standards but on time at least. 9:30pm. It's not a running day, and I am currently not biking before dawn these days so I slept in until 5am. The kids didn't wake me up-- though K is perpetually sick at this time of year, he still sleeps extremely well. So really it should have been a blissful night of slumber. But it wasn't.

What gives, Heidi? Can't you even take advantage of the gift of plenty of sleep when it's offered?

I've been tossing and turning for quite awhile now. Even the nights when I should be able to get plenty of sleep, I wake up frequently during the night, continue my perpetual fretting for a short while and then fall back asleep. I never get up and I can go back to sleep, so it's not insomnia. It's like my brain doesn't shut off to rest (or dream innocent nonsensical dreams) and instead keeps pounding away at everything I'm stressing about during the day. Even when I dream they're about those things that I go to sleep worrying over.

And none of these things are major issues. Or they shouldn't be. Ten years down the road I'm pretty sure I won't even remember. They involve my callings at church, my piano teaching load, some of my close relatives making inexplicable choices, and of course, managing the Ragnar team. (Well, the relative thing could still be important ten years from now but since there is absolutely nothing I can do about the situation, I don't know why I let it interrupt my sleep at all.)

I caught myself the other day saying, "Well, if I can just get through the next two months, everything will settle down again." What nonsense! If there is anything I have learned about life and my way of dealing with things it's this:

1. Challenging, difficult or worrisome things are always going to happen.

2. I will always find a way to be stressed about something.

But this stress thing is getting out of hand. I know it's not healthy. I especially know that it is counterproductive if it is disrupting my sleep. So somehow I need to learn how to de-stress.

I know all the women's magazine answers. Take some time for yourself. Find something relaxing you like to do (like a bath) and make sure you do it every day. Meditate. Practice self-massage. Deep breathing. I know all the church answers too. Take some time for yourself. Read your scriptures. Pray for help. Serve someone else.

I've done all these things. I'm currently doing all these things-- OK, not right at this very second. :-) (All right, I don't meditate or practice deep breathing at any time. Mostly because I find myself getting irritated instead of calm any time I try it.) But seriously, the real problem seems to be the constant monologue going on in my head, and that, my friends, is a much harder thing to change.

Maybe it's all really about fear of failure. I know, I know, we're all afraid to fail. But there is some part of me that gets so sick at the thought of messing up somehow. Like I'm going to puke kind of sick. My sister asked the other day what exactly would be so bad about the whole Ragnar team thing falling apart. I had no rational answer-- but just considering the scenario of things going so catawampus that we couldn't run the race made my chest constrict so tightly I thought I might have a heart attack. I can't let my team down that way! I can't fail!!!!

I don't have any point or moral message to this blog post. Just rambling, I guess. But someday maybe I will figure out exactly why I worry so much about making mistakes-- and then I will be able to let some of that stress go. May that day come quickly!