Thoughts on Motherhood

I officially became a mother almost ten years ago. After a long, grueling labor (even with the epidural) and an hour and a half of pushing that challenged my strength and my sanity, a sweet little 8 pound 12 ounce bundle joined our family.

What a momentous change in my life!

All of sudden feelings stirred deep within me that I had never guessed existed. I felt an unselfish, unconditional love and a fierceness to protect that almost startled me. M became my whole life. I loved my husband even more as a mother, but that paled in comparison to the new drive I felt to do everything for my daughter. In a moment of introspection, I realized that I would sacrifice my life-- and Terence's as well-- if necessary to protect our baby.

On the other hand, it was hard adjusting to the demands of being a helpless infant's main caregiver. Sleepless nights, crying that no amount of changing or feeding or rocking or pacing would quiet, endless diaper changing and laundry and bottle washing. The twenty four hour job of mothering was physically exhausting with few breaks or chances to recover.

But the mental demands of being a mother were even harder. Because I loved my daughter so very much, I had extremely high expectations of myself as a mother. Achieving them turned out to be usually unrealistic. My first wake up call was when it became clear after nearly two weeks of tear-filled, desperate effort, I found that I could not breastfeed my daughter. Not only was M such a vigorous sucker that she left my poor breasts blistered and bleeding, my recalcitrant body refused to produce any breastmilk. This was not in my plan at all! I had read the research and I was absolutely convinced that my daughter needed to be breastfed; anything less and I would be shortchanging her. My mother (being more experienced and practical) convinced me to feed M some formula while continuing to try and pump. (Her poor little hungry cries were getting to all of us by then.) In the end, I had to concede defeat. My body was just not cooperating. M was perfectly happy to drink from a bottle-- she attacked her bottles and pacifiers with her same manic sucking and grew healthy and strong. But I felt horribly guilty. My first test of being a good mom and I had failed my precious daughter!

Well, that was only the first of those mental challenges I would face. I have faced many since (and probably will continue to face them for a good while yet). Somehow, being a parent doesn't get easier as the kids get older! With all of this, someone could wonder what would be the point? Why would someone choose to have children and bring all of these challenges into her life?

I believe that experiencing the lows of being a mother allows us to also enjoy the great heights we get to soar to. I love each of my children now just as much as I did when they were tiny newborns laid in my arms for the very first time. But it's a deeper, fuller love-- I've experienced sorrow and tedium and tantrums with each, but I've also been there as they learn and grow and throw their little arms around my neck and tell me I'm their favorite mommy in the whole world!

How bleak my life would be without these four precious gifts that Heavenly Father has given me! On this Mother's Day I express gratitude for the privilege I have of experiencing this journey called motherhood with four special little kiddos. M, J, B & K-- I love you so much!!!