A Banquet of Wards
When you hear the word "ward," what automatically comes to mind? A psychiatric ward, perhaps? A neighborhood in New Orleans? A person who is someone's responsibility? For those of us who are Mormon, the word immediately brings to mind church. It's one of those words we throw around all the time without thinking about it. Our congregations (if they are large enough) are called "wards." My parents raised me as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so the word was familiar from my earliest days. It was a word that immediately identified me and told other members of the church where I belonged. I still remember being a young child and figuring out that I belonged to the Poway 2nd Ward. It became part of my identity, how I knew who I was and where I fit with things. However, I had to go through my first ward identity crisis when I was about 9 years old. Since wards are defined by geographical boundaries, every so often they have to redraw those boundary lines, especially as a ward grows and the congregation gets too large. My Poway 2nd Ward grew too large and they redrew the boundaries and created a new ward. I then belonged to the Peñasquitos Ward. It threw me for a little bit. We went to church at the same building but the atmosphere and the people were totally different.
It was my first experience where I was aware that each ward of the LDS church can be very different. They each have their own flavors, if you will.
A fun ward, a boring ward, a welcoming ward, an unfriendly ward, a snobby ward, a rich ward, a multicultural ward, an "old family" ward, a young ward, a divided ward or a unified ward. I've heard all of these terms thrown around before as people try to describe what a certain ward experience was like for them. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a couple of sisters from my current ward where it was starting to get just a leeetle negative, telling horror stories, if you will, of previous wards where the "flavor" was less than ideal. As part of this conversation I was sharing some of my experiences with different wards when I brought up the ward that Terence and I lived in when we were first married. Our ward covered an area in a suburb of San Diego that was full of beautiful new tract houses. It wasn't a wealthy area by any means, but to afford one of those houses (this was San Diego, remember) you did have to have a pretty substantial income to manage even those interest-only mortgage payments that were beginning to become so common at the time. It meant that almost everyone was in a different stage of life than us. Our ward was filled with lots of children and parents who were working in professional, well-paying careers. I don't think there were more than two couples over the age of fifty, and Terence and I were almost certainly the youngest married couple in the group. Terence was still in college and we had not yet started our family.
I was trying to explain this to another sister and described that there were only two small apartment complexes in the ward boundaries, which was where Terence and I lived, and how we ended up mixed in with a group where I felt like I had very little in common with my fellow ward members. The other sister then commented knowingly, "Ah, and then when they found where you lived, they would say 'Oh, you live over there.'" (She mimicked that snooty tone quite well!) I half-heartedly agreed. It did kind of feel like that sometimes, I guess.
I wish I could go back and respond a little differently though. (I can't remember who I was talking to though, so I can't set the record straight personally.) I never felt like my fellow ward members treated me negatively just because we lived in the apartments. I just felt a little excluded simply because I didn't have anything in common with pretty much everyone else. Now as I have gotten a little older and lived in another half dozen wards, I have a better idea of different reasons why a ward might feel less than welcoming:
1. Most of the ward members have several children at home.
This is a reality that I've come to understand better as my family has grown. A mother who is struggling to get her own brood into Sacrament Meeting and then off to their classes, who is dealing with cranky toddlers and teenage drama, will simply have less opportunity to welcome every new person that they see or even chat with people they already know. It's not that she hasn't noticed you or that she is unfriendly. It's just hard to juggle all these things at the same time, and the reality is the crying baby in her arms and the three year old running for the stage are going to get her time and attention first. This was almost certainly a major factor in why I felt so distant from the other women in that first ward after I was married.
2. The ward has a lot of people moving in and out all the time.
I learned this one firsthand when I first moved to Arizona. We were living with my parents and so belonged to their ward for a short while. I really felt like I was having a hard time getting to know people when someone during a talk asked everyone who had moved into the ward in the last six months to raise their hands. Every single hand within two rows of me went up. So here I was, thinking I was the new girl and all these people sitting by me had been in the ward forever when we were all relatively new, probably wondering why nobody was welcoming us. This was even more true when we moved into the ward that we are currently a part of. Probably five new families were moving in every week or so. Everyone was new. I heard a lot back then about how unfriendly the ward was, but I think it was just that mostly everyone was brand new and hadn't yet made friends.
3. Our attitude makes much of the difference.
It's really easy to see the faults in a ward if you are constantly focusing on them. No congregation is filled with perfect people who are perfectly friendly and outgoing and serving and humble. If there was such a ward, I'm sure they would only have time to wish us all farewell before they were taken right up to heaven like the city of Enoch. Of course things aren't going to be perfect. But I've found that when I try to get to know people on my own (which is very hard for an introvert like myself), all of a sudden I find that I am in a friendly ward. It means making a concerted effort though. In my case it means taking advantage of activities where I will be free of the children so I can actually pay attention to the people around me. (Usually this means Relief Society activities where babysitting is provided.) It means taking advantage of opportunities to serve. I've almost always become friends with the sisters I'm assigned to visit teach or the sisters who work with me when I accept a responsibility at church (like the other women in Primary, the children's organization). It means doing my best to forgive and let go when others step on my toes, or in the rare case, they are downright rude. Learning to look at my ward with rose-colored glasses has completely changed the entire atmosphere for me.
My ward is my family, and I am learning to love it just like I love my immediate family: cutting everyone some slack, doing my best to look for the good, and enjoying the individual flavor of our "home." Having such an extended family in my life is a great blessing!!
It was my first experience where I was aware that each ward of the LDS church can be very different. They each have their own flavors, if you will.
A fun ward, a boring ward, a welcoming ward, an unfriendly ward, a snobby ward, a rich ward, a multicultural ward, an "old family" ward, a young ward, a divided ward or a unified ward. I've heard all of these terms thrown around before as people try to describe what a certain ward experience was like for them. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was having a conversation with a couple of sisters from my current ward where it was starting to get just a leeetle negative, telling horror stories, if you will, of previous wards where the "flavor" was less than ideal. As part of this conversation I was sharing some of my experiences with different wards when I brought up the ward that Terence and I lived in when we were first married. Our ward covered an area in a suburb of San Diego that was full of beautiful new tract houses. It wasn't a wealthy area by any means, but to afford one of those houses (this was San Diego, remember) you did have to have a pretty substantial income to manage even those interest-only mortgage payments that were beginning to become so common at the time. It meant that almost everyone was in a different stage of life than us. Our ward was filled with lots of children and parents who were working in professional, well-paying careers. I don't think there were more than two couples over the age of fifty, and Terence and I were almost certainly the youngest married couple in the group. Terence was still in college and we had not yet started our family.
I was trying to explain this to another sister and described that there were only two small apartment complexes in the ward boundaries, which was where Terence and I lived, and how we ended up mixed in with a group where I felt like I had very little in common with my fellow ward members. The other sister then commented knowingly, "Ah, and then when they found where you lived, they would say 'Oh, you live over there.'" (She mimicked that snooty tone quite well!) I half-heartedly agreed. It did kind of feel like that sometimes, I guess.
I wish I could go back and respond a little differently though. (I can't remember who I was talking to though, so I can't set the record straight personally.) I never felt like my fellow ward members treated me negatively just because we lived in the apartments. I just felt a little excluded simply because I didn't have anything in common with pretty much everyone else. Now as I have gotten a little older and lived in another half dozen wards, I have a better idea of different reasons why a ward might feel less than welcoming:
1. Most of the ward members have several children at home.
This is a reality that I've come to understand better as my family has grown. A mother who is struggling to get her own brood into Sacrament Meeting and then off to their classes, who is dealing with cranky toddlers and teenage drama, will simply have less opportunity to welcome every new person that they see or even chat with people they already know. It's not that she hasn't noticed you or that she is unfriendly. It's just hard to juggle all these things at the same time, and the reality is the crying baby in her arms and the three year old running for the stage are going to get her time and attention first. This was almost certainly a major factor in why I felt so distant from the other women in that first ward after I was married.
2. The ward has a lot of people moving in and out all the time.
I learned this one firsthand when I first moved to Arizona. We were living with my parents and so belonged to their ward for a short while. I really felt like I was having a hard time getting to know people when someone during a talk asked everyone who had moved into the ward in the last six months to raise their hands. Every single hand within two rows of me went up. So here I was, thinking I was the new girl and all these people sitting by me had been in the ward forever when we were all relatively new, probably wondering why nobody was welcoming us. This was even more true when we moved into the ward that we are currently a part of. Probably five new families were moving in every week or so. Everyone was new. I heard a lot back then about how unfriendly the ward was, but I think it was just that mostly everyone was brand new and hadn't yet made friends.
3. Our attitude makes much of the difference.
It's really easy to see the faults in a ward if you are constantly focusing on them. No congregation is filled with perfect people who are perfectly friendly and outgoing and serving and humble. If there was such a ward, I'm sure they would only have time to wish us all farewell before they were taken right up to heaven like the city of Enoch. Of course things aren't going to be perfect. But I've found that when I try to get to know people on my own (which is very hard for an introvert like myself), all of a sudden I find that I am in a friendly ward. It means making a concerted effort though. In my case it means taking advantage of activities where I will be free of the children so I can actually pay attention to the people around me. (Usually this means Relief Society activities where babysitting is provided.) It means taking advantage of opportunities to serve. I've almost always become friends with the sisters I'm assigned to visit teach or the sisters who work with me when I accept a responsibility at church (like the other women in Primary, the children's organization). It means doing my best to forgive and let go when others step on my toes, or in the rare case, they are downright rude. Learning to look at my ward with rose-colored glasses has completely changed the entire atmosphere for me.
My ward is my family, and I am learning to love it just like I love my immediate family: cutting everyone some slack, doing my best to look for the good, and enjoying the individual flavor of our "home." Having such an extended family in my life is a great blessing!!
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