A 31 Day (or so) Experiment
In my last post I mentioned something else that had really slipped down my list, just like my writing had. That something was physical intimacy with my husband. Yes, I'm talking about sex. Since I blog about just about anything that crosses my mind, I'm tackling this subject as well. Now, don't be squeamish. I'm not going to be graphic (good heavens, can you imagine me being graphic about that side of my relationship with Terence, when I don't even like to read that kind of stuff myself?) but this is an extremely important aspect of a marriage, worthy of some attention.
Lately this area had become a bit of a problem in our marriage. I don't know what happened to my sex drive, quite frankly. There was a long stretch earlier in our marriage where my interest was greater than Terence's, but after I had K, my libido seemed to slowly drain away. I think there were a lot of reasons for this-- I had heavier demands on my time as the kids got older, I had more kids to take care of, and I was regularly getting up at the crack of dawn and going to bed early (which doesn't match up with Terence's schedule at all). Another big problem was all my exercising. People assume that losing a lot of weight and getting into exercise will jump start your sex life, but it was the complete opposite for me. Probably because 1) I was training pretty hard and I was tired and 2) I was getting an endorphin high from exercise so I wasn't craving it so much from sexual intimacy. The result? Terence felt like he was practically begging and I felt like it was an obligation. Not exactly a recipe for marital bliss.
Just by accident I ended up visiting Sheila Wray Gregoire's blog one day. (I think someone linked to an article of hers on Facebook, one that wasn't at all related to marriage.) Anyway, she's a Christian who blogs about marriage and family who ended up specializing in helping couples improve the sexual intimacy side of marriage. She really emphasizes what a gift from God this kind of intimacy is and how we should be enjoying it. Well, after reading quite a few of her posts, I was ready to move this area of my marriage back up to the top of the list. I wanted that kind of intimacy in our marriage! I wanted that kind of closeness, and quite frankly, that kind of enjoyment!
Sheila has an ebook that she just released, 31 Days to Great Sex. I bought a copy and Terence and I have been working our way through it. Each day has a short topic for both of you to read, and then a daily challenge to tackle. We're only on day 9, but it's amazing what a difference we've been experiencing so far. However, this has been really, really hard!!! For reasons I wasn't expecting, too. The first week is all about tackling the stuff in your head that gets in the way. Let's face it, a lot of my problems in multiple areas in my life have to do with the negative stuff in my head, and sex is no different. The good thing was that Terence and I had some long talks about what exactly we think about our sexual relationship-- what was going well and what was not. There were some surprises during those honest sessions, even after twelve years of marriage. Nothing earth-shattering (Terence and I are pretty good about being open with each other) but still, some good sharing that has made an immediate difference.
One of the hardest days so far was when I had to come up with five parts of my body that I like. Now this was just sad. I could only come up with five things when I included features that I don't exactly think look great, but just don't bother me (like my feet). Something is wrong when I see myself so negatively. No wonder when Terence says he finds me attractive, my gloomy brain thinks he must be insane. Got to work on this, though I'm not sure how to feel more positively towards my body yet. (Yes, yes, I know my body is a miracle and a temple, and I am very grateful for a healthy body that does all that I ask it to do. But that doesn't mean I feel attractive or sexy.)
Still, I've made a lot of improvement this week in my attitude which has made a huge difference-- not least because I am making this area of our marriage a much higher priority. We haven't been able to take up a new challenge every day exactly (Terence and I have barely overlapping schedules, which throws another wrench into the works) but we are still moving forward. I'll let you know how it goes.
Now we're on to the week emphasizing laughter and emotional intimacy. Should be fun!!
Lately this area had become a bit of a problem in our marriage. I don't know what happened to my sex drive, quite frankly. There was a long stretch earlier in our marriage where my interest was greater than Terence's, but after I had K, my libido seemed to slowly drain away. I think there were a lot of reasons for this-- I had heavier demands on my time as the kids got older, I had more kids to take care of, and I was regularly getting up at the crack of dawn and going to bed early (which doesn't match up with Terence's schedule at all). Another big problem was all my exercising. People assume that losing a lot of weight and getting into exercise will jump start your sex life, but it was the complete opposite for me. Probably because 1) I was training pretty hard and I was tired and 2) I was getting an endorphin high from exercise so I wasn't craving it so much from sexual intimacy. The result? Terence felt like he was practically begging and I felt like it was an obligation. Not exactly a recipe for marital bliss.
Just by accident I ended up visiting Sheila Wray Gregoire's blog one day. (I think someone linked to an article of hers on Facebook, one that wasn't at all related to marriage.) Anyway, she's a Christian who blogs about marriage and family who ended up specializing in helping couples improve the sexual intimacy side of marriage. She really emphasizes what a gift from God this kind of intimacy is and how we should be enjoying it. Well, after reading quite a few of her posts, I was ready to move this area of my marriage back up to the top of the list. I wanted that kind of intimacy in our marriage! I wanted that kind of closeness, and quite frankly, that kind of enjoyment!
Sheila has an ebook that she just released, 31 Days to Great Sex. I bought a copy and Terence and I have been working our way through it. Each day has a short topic for both of you to read, and then a daily challenge to tackle. We're only on day 9, but it's amazing what a difference we've been experiencing so far. However, this has been really, really hard!!! For reasons I wasn't expecting, too. The first week is all about tackling the stuff in your head that gets in the way. Let's face it, a lot of my problems in multiple areas in my life have to do with the negative stuff in my head, and sex is no different. The good thing was that Terence and I had some long talks about what exactly we think about our sexual relationship-- what was going well and what was not. There were some surprises during those honest sessions, even after twelve years of marriage. Nothing earth-shattering (Terence and I are pretty good about being open with each other) but still, some good sharing that has made an immediate difference.
One of the hardest days so far was when I had to come up with five parts of my body that I like. Now this was just sad. I could only come up with five things when I included features that I don't exactly think look great, but just don't bother me (like my feet). Something is wrong when I see myself so negatively. No wonder when Terence says he finds me attractive, my gloomy brain thinks he must be insane. Got to work on this, though I'm not sure how to feel more positively towards my body yet. (Yes, yes, I know my body is a miracle and a temple, and I am very grateful for a healthy body that does all that I ask it to do. But that doesn't mean I feel attractive or sexy.)
Still, I've made a lot of improvement this week in my attitude which has made a huge difference-- not least because I am making this area of our marriage a much higher priority. We haven't been able to take up a new challenge every day exactly (Terence and I have barely overlapping schedules, which throws another wrench into the works) but we are still moving forward. I'll let you know how it goes.
Now we're on to the week emphasizing laughter and emotional intimacy. Should be fun!!
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