Stretched
I'm so burned out already.
Every year I try to start early. I plan as well as I can; I try to simplify. But the Christmas season leaves me feeling edgy and a bit near hysteria. My stress and anxiety get out of control, and I don't sleep too well.
This morning all those things culminated in a series of arguments with Terence over inane topics where I got progressively more agitated. At one point my voice was loud and screechy and well, shrewish, for lack of a better term. And there were the obligatory tears involved too.
Later in the afternoon (after I threw about half my to-do list out the window and said "So what??") Terence mentioned that he dreads winter more every year, every year since we married it's gotten worse. This took me aback. I certainly don't think that our winters together as a married couple are so miserable. He says that it's not that-- it's my anxiety level. I was willing to give him that my stress does peak in the run up to Christmas, but I don't think it's gotten worse every year. For example, last year doesn't really count. I'd just had a baby and I had to be hospitalized a few days before Christmas. Surely I had an excuse for being stressed that year. The year before I was much calmer.
Terence scoffed at that. It took me a minute to remember that the winter before last I was hardly sleeping for stress (mostly Ragnar Captaining induced). Oh. So maybe he does have a point. I'm still not convinced that it's getting worse every year, or that it only happens during the winter.
But if I take a step back and look at things from Terence's point of view, do I really have anxiety issues like he thinks?
I don't know.
Two years later and I still haven't learned how to manage the stress in my life. I get these ideas in my head that there is a certain way that things have to be, or a list of things that I have to do, and if real life goes differently (as it often does; real life is messy and unpredictable) then my lungs constrict, I have a hard time relaxing, and I am just wound up so tight that I snap at every little thing that provokes me (something that happens quite often with a husband and five kids living in the same house).
Terence says he would cope with my situation with cutting things out. In some cases, I probably could, but then what would be special about Christmas at all? I do want to celebrate Christmas with some traditions and yes, they will take some time and effort. As for the rest of the stuff, choosing not to do it today just means it will pile up and make my to-do list for tomorrow that much longer. It doesn't take long while putting stuff off to get swamped.
Maybe I'll go soak in my bathtub for awhile and see if that helps. One day at a time. Maybe tomorrow I can find a way to prioritize and relax a bit.
Every year I try to start early. I plan as well as I can; I try to simplify. But the Christmas season leaves me feeling edgy and a bit near hysteria. My stress and anxiety get out of control, and I don't sleep too well.
This morning all those things culminated in a series of arguments with Terence over inane topics where I got progressively more agitated. At one point my voice was loud and screechy and well, shrewish, for lack of a better term. And there were the obligatory tears involved too.
Later in the afternoon (after I threw about half my to-do list out the window and said "So what??") Terence mentioned that he dreads winter more every year, every year since we married it's gotten worse. This took me aback. I certainly don't think that our winters together as a married couple are so miserable. He says that it's not that-- it's my anxiety level. I was willing to give him that my stress does peak in the run up to Christmas, but I don't think it's gotten worse every year. For example, last year doesn't really count. I'd just had a baby and I had to be hospitalized a few days before Christmas. Surely I had an excuse for being stressed that year. The year before I was much calmer.
Terence scoffed at that. It took me a minute to remember that the winter before last I was hardly sleeping for stress (mostly Ragnar Captaining induced). Oh. So maybe he does have a point. I'm still not convinced that it's getting worse every year, or that it only happens during the winter.
But if I take a step back and look at things from Terence's point of view, do I really have anxiety issues like he thinks?
I don't know.
Two years later and I still haven't learned how to manage the stress in my life. I get these ideas in my head that there is a certain way that things have to be, or a list of things that I have to do, and if real life goes differently (as it often does; real life is messy and unpredictable) then my lungs constrict, I have a hard time relaxing, and I am just wound up so tight that I snap at every little thing that provokes me (something that happens quite often with a husband and five kids living in the same house).
Terence says he would cope with my situation with cutting things out. In some cases, I probably could, but then what would be special about Christmas at all? I do want to celebrate Christmas with some traditions and yes, they will take some time and effort. As for the rest of the stuff, choosing not to do it today just means it will pile up and make my to-do list for tomorrow that much longer. It doesn't take long while putting stuff off to get swamped.
Maybe I'll go soak in my bathtub for awhile and see if that helps. One day at a time. Maybe tomorrow I can find a way to prioritize and relax a bit.
Comments
You are so good at being so positive for me. I appreciate your willingness to read my blog and comment. Let's be honest, you DO have a lot on your plate: rockstar Mom, Wife, Piano-ninja, Running Machine, Secret-Secretary....to name a few. Be gentle on yourself. You are exactly what YOU need to be AND you are amazing!