Time and Change, the Conundrum
One of the strange things about starting a new year is how much it forces the passage of time into the front of my mind. This coming year I have some big milestones approaching. M will turn 12 and join the Young Women's organization at church, the milemarker of becoming an adolescent in Mormon culture. B will turn 8 and get baptized, another huge milestone in our faith. K started Primary (the kids' classes at church) meaning he is unequivocally no longer a baby. Not that he has allowed me to call him a baby for several years now, but when you're dropping a little boy off with the toddling nursery kids, you can pretend a bit.
I get a little panicky when I think about how fast this nearly-twelve-years as a parent has gone by. My time of being the primary influence in M's life is easily more than halfway over. It forces me to consider some unpleasant ideas. See, I have a mental list of things that are important-- nay, essential-- qualities of a good mom. For example, a good mom teaches her kids hygiene (gets them to brush their teeth twice a day and bathe and wash their hands), at least sometimes gets everyone to sit down and eat dinner together, speaks kindly to her children, and listens when her children talk to her so she has a prayer of knowing who they are as individuals. (My actual list is a lot longer, but no matter. You get the idea, right?) Anyway, I'm really lagging on that list. I know from experience that changing something big requires making small steps and not tackling too much change at the same time. But I'm running out of time. The window I have to teach my kids this stuff is growing smaller and smaller. Oh, I know, I probably have at least another six or seven years to try and teach M to flush the toilet. But you realize, way back when she was four and refusing to do it, I just pushed it off and figured it wasn't a big deal and we'd tackle that one later, after I'd handled the biggies, like learning not to lose my temper with her. Or maybe she'd figure it out on her own.
Newsflash: It's been 7 years and I still lose my temper with her. And she still doesn't flush the toilet. (Well, she says she does at school. Sometimes. Only if she has room to run out of the stall quickly enough.)
I don't have enough time to make all these changes to be what in my mind is a "good mom" before my kids are grown and gone. I just don't.
It's possible that my "good mom" definition is flawed. But when you meet adults who never bathe or brush their teeth, who shout and throw things every time they don't get their way, and whose primary method of communication is sarcastic sniping, don't you have a burning desire to put some distance between you and said adult? I don't want this to be my kids' future. Cavemen are not charming.
OK, I'm being a tad bit melodramatic here. I don't really think my kids will grow up without picking any habits of good hygiene. Peer pressure alone will probably take care of some of that. But what about the really important stuff? Having a relationship with my kids, teaching them to pray, helping them learn the basics they'll need to continue learning the rest of their lives on their own, teaching them to work, making sure they are well-prepared to handle the sex-inundated culture they are going to have to swim in.
Too much, too hard, and I mess up every freaking day.
(Umm, did I just use the word "freaking?" I DID. Wow, flash back to my mission.)
Well, this morning I read a blog post that was a breath of fresh air and a sorely needed reminder. Check it out: Drops of Awesome, by Kathryn Thompson.
I'm never going to be able to do it all. I don't have to. That was the whole point of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Not that I should just give up trying to be a better mom. But that I should celebrate my successes and trust in Christ to make up the difference.
This morning I actually listened to M talk about her art class on the way to school instead of letting my attention wander. Drop of Awesome! I can do this!!
I get a little panicky when I think about how fast this nearly-twelve-years as a parent has gone by. My time of being the primary influence in M's life is easily more than halfway over. It forces me to consider some unpleasant ideas. See, I have a mental list of things that are important-- nay, essential-- qualities of a good mom. For example, a good mom teaches her kids hygiene (gets them to brush their teeth twice a day and bathe and wash their hands), at least sometimes gets everyone to sit down and eat dinner together, speaks kindly to her children, and listens when her children talk to her so she has a prayer of knowing who they are as individuals. (My actual list is a lot longer, but no matter. You get the idea, right?) Anyway, I'm really lagging on that list. I know from experience that changing something big requires making small steps and not tackling too much change at the same time. But I'm running out of time. The window I have to teach my kids this stuff is growing smaller and smaller. Oh, I know, I probably have at least another six or seven years to try and teach M to flush the toilet. But you realize, way back when she was four and refusing to do it, I just pushed it off and figured it wasn't a big deal and we'd tackle that one later, after I'd handled the biggies, like learning not to lose my temper with her. Or maybe she'd figure it out on her own.
Newsflash: It's been 7 years and I still lose my temper with her. And she still doesn't flush the toilet. (Well, she says she does at school. Sometimes. Only if she has room to run out of the stall quickly enough.)
I don't have enough time to make all these changes to be what in my mind is a "good mom" before my kids are grown and gone. I just don't.
It's possible that my "good mom" definition is flawed. But when you meet adults who never bathe or brush their teeth, who shout and throw things every time they don't get their way, and whose primary method of communication is sarcastic sniping, don't you have a burning desire to put some distance between you and said adult? I don't want this to be my kids' future. Cavemen are not charming.
OK, I'm being a tad bit melodramatic here. I don't really think my kids will grow up without picking any habits of good hygiene. Peer pressure alone will probably take care of some of that. But what about the really important stuff? Having a relationship with my kids, teaching them to pray, helping them learn the basics they'll need to continue learning the rest of their lives on their own, teaching them to work, making sure they are well-prepared to handle the sex-inundated culture they are going to have to swim in.
Too much, too hard, and I mess up every freaking day.
(Umm, did I just use the word "freaking?" I DID. Wow, flash back to my mission.)
Well, this morning I read a blog post that was a breath of fresh air and a sorely needed reminder. Check it out: Drops of Awesome, by Kathryn Thompson.
I'm never going to be able to do it all. I don't have to. That was the whole point of the atonement of Jesus Christ. Not that I should just give up trying to be a better mom. But that I should celebrate my successes and trust in Christ to make up the difference.
This morning I actually listened to M talk about her art class on the way to school instead of letting my attention wander. Drop of Awesome! I can do this!!
Comments