Stumbling Along (But Not Giving Up)
Note: I wrote this post while hormonal and tired and at the end of a long day. It's kind of negative. But I thought I'd post it anyway so that you can see one side of the "real me"-- and so that if you ever get discouraged, you know that you are not the only one.
This week has been one of those weeks. You know, one of those weeks where you wonder, "What possibly made me think that I could handle this???" followed shortly that doubts that I was ever cut out to be a mother.
Granted, it's not a cakewalk stage right now. (If any stage is a cakewalk, which I doubt.) I have a tween whose hormones are clearly wreaking havoc already, who is by instinct learning how to hit me where it hurts. Mostly by dishing my own worst personality traits right back at me. I end up wracked with self-doubt on a daily basis...how do I insist that she exercise some self-control in areas where I haven't figured it out yet myself? I know that's my job as a mother-- to provide guidance and limits, even though I'm not perfect myself-- but it would be easier if she didn't shout back at me that how can I expect her to do something when I don't do it myself? Ah, example. It's a two-edged sword. I end up falling back on the lame "because I'm your mother and I said so."
On top of hormonal issues, I have the school balancing act to manage with three kids. This is proving to be no easy task. Every year it gets tougher. Getting my kids educated was something I didn't even give a thought to before I became a parent but it is an exhausting job. Quite frankly, I will be thanking my stars when school ends later this month. A two month break from school projects and homework battles and the daily school driving grind. I can't wait!
Drop down the list a bit and I have a preschooler who could use some actual preschool. I've been meaning to try it out on my own, just to get an idea on whether or not I could actually pull off the homeschooling shindig if I needed to. But I've been meaning to all school year and it hasn't happened yet. In the meantime K isn't learning anything of that stuff that they expect him to know before he goes into school. I have another year, but still, it discourages me when other people post about their four year olds who can read simple words and count to high numbers and can write their name. (And this is exactly why I think I would bomb miserably at being a homeschooler....) Heck, I'm falling short on stuff that I should be helping my older kids to learn. Not one of them has our phone number memorized and the seven year old still can't tie her shoes...seems like both of those things were on the list of what a kindergartener should have figured out by the end of the year.
The last layer of my non-cakewalk is the toddler who is proving wholeheartedly that she belongs in this family by finding plenty of ways to be destructive every day. It doesn't help that when I decide to read something I manage to block it all out. (You know it's a bad sign when your toddler manages not once but three times to color on your arm with a marker on separate occasions without you noticing until it's too late.)
The icing on the cake is that I feel like I'm not quite putting my relationship with Terence at the top of the list either. Not this week anyway.
In short, I feel like I'm failing in every important area of my life. No, I don't expect perfection, but at least some sign of improvement would be reassuring. Instead, as my kids get older, the more inadequate I feel.
I'll keep plodding along though. I love my kids and we make sure they have all the necessities of life and such. Most of all we try to teach them the important stuff about who they are and where they are going and what the whole point of this life is. . . hopefully that will be enough.
This week has been one of those weeks. You know, one of those weeks where you wonder, "What possibly made me think that I could handle this???" followed shortly that doubts that I was ever cut out to be a mother.
Granted, it's not a cakewalk stage right now. (If any stage is a cakewalk, which I doubt.) I have a tween whose hormones are clearly wreaking havoc already, who is by instinct learning how to hit me where it hurts. Mostly by dishing my own worst personality traits right back at me. I end up wracked with self-doubt on a daily basis...how do I insist that she exercise some self-control in areas where I haven't figured it out yet myself? I know that's my job as a mother-- to provide guidance and limits, even though I'm not perfect myself-- but it would be easier if she didn't shout back at me that how can I expect her to do something when I don't do it myself? Ah, example. It's a two-edged sword. I end up falling back on the lame "because I'm your mother and I said so."
On top of hormonal issues, I have the school balancing act to manage with three kids. This is proving to be no easy task. Every year it gets tougher. Getting my kids educated was something I didn't even give a thought to before I became a parent but it is an exhausting job. Quite frankly, I will be thanking my stars when school ends later this month. A two month break from school projects and homework battles and the daily school driving grind. I can't wait!
Drop down the list a bit and I have a preschooler who could use some actual preschool. I've been meaning to try it out on my own, just to get an idea on whether or not I could actually pull off the homeschooling shindig if I needed to. But I've been meaning to all school year and it hasn't happened yet. In the meantime K isn't learning anything of that stuff that they expect him to know before he goes into school. I have another year, but still, it discourages me when other people post about their four year olds who can read simple words and count to high numbers and can write their name. (And this is exactly why I think I would bomb miserably at being a homeschooler....) Heck, I'm falling short on stuff that I should be helping my older kids to learn. Not one of them has our phone number memorized and the seven year old still can't tie her shoes...seems like both of those things were on the list of what a kindergartener should have figured out by the end of the year.
The last layer of my non-cakewalk is the toddler who is proving wholeheartedly that she belongs in this family by finding plenty of ways to be destructive every day. It doesn't help that when I decide to read something I manage to block it all out. (You know it's a bad sign when your toddler manages not once but three times to color on your arm with a marker on separate occasions without you noticing until it's too late.)
The icing on the cake is that I feel like I'm not quite putting my relationship with Terence at the top of the list either. Not this week anyway.
In short, I feel like I'm failing in every important area of my life. No, I don't expect perfection, but at least some sign of improvement would be reassuring. Instead, as my kids get older, the more inadequate I feel.
I'll keep plodding along though. I love my kids and we make sure they have all the necessities of life and such. Most of all we try to teach them the important stuff about who they are and where they are going and what the whole point of this life is. . . hopefully that will be enough.
Comments