The Whited Sepulchre Syndrome
Before I get started with this post, I have to offer a disclaimer. I'm really not scrambling for praise or reassurance or anything. (Just in case any of you read this and think, "My goodness! This chickie has such low self-esteem that she needs us to stroke her ego constantly!") This is just one of those days where I feel moved to share some of the deeper workings of my mind, just in case any of you have been through this as well. (I suspect that I am not the only one!)
Lately I've been feeling kind of like a fraud.
Yes, a fraud. And that really bugs me because in general I'm in favor of honesty-- anyone who reads my blog should have some idea about my lack of filter. I tend to talk about how things really are, rather than pretty them up.
Still, I'm afraid I'm putting out this image of someone who really has it together. Especially on the church front. As if I'm one of the ultra-faithful sisters who has a rock solid testimony and a dedication that never falters-- oh, and who truly is filled with charity and loves all her neighbors and even her enemies.
I'm really not a spiritual giant.
I'm not any kind of giant. I have this sick kind of fear that no matter how much I try to put the "real me" out here (especially on my blog), in reality I'm pretending to be something that I'm not. I can't tell you how often (since I joined the social media world) I've had people tell me that they are in awe of everything I do. And I get embarrassed-- and a little pleased that people think so highly of me-- and then I feel like a complete hypocrite. There's part of me that is just so sure that if people really knew me-- knew me inside and out-- and could watch my life like a fly on the wall, they would be disappointed and shocked.
This isn't a new sensation in my life. All through high school, as I sat through my honors classes, I used to wonder if anyone would finally catch on that I wasn't really smart enough to be in that group. I was sure that my inclusion in those classes was just some kind of fluke and sooner or later everyone would find out the truth and it would all come crashing down on me. It even continued through college. I would look around at all the other students who were smarter and more gifted and wonder why on earth I had a scholarship. Just luck? In the end I decided that I was gifted-- at taking tests-- but that didn't equal true intelligence. I was in a hurry to graduate before my test-taking skills failed me and it became obvious that I wasn't a good enough student to be at the Y, let alone one on a scholarship, even a partial scholarship. When I read about the college grade inflation controversy, my first thought was "Oh, that's why I graduated with a decent gpa! It was grade inflation! Not because I was really doing well in school."
I can argue myself out of this-- I have tried-- but part of myself deep down, just knows that I am faking it. Whatever "it" is.
If you've ever heard me freak out when someone says I run marathons, it stems from this same problem. I'm afraid people are going to think I'm something I'm not, only to find out the truth later and wonder why I keep exaggerating. (For the record, I cannot run a marathon. I don't think I will ever be able to handle that kind of distance! There is a big difference between a sprint triathlon and a marathon. A difference of 23 miles of running!)
Of course, one of the best things about marrying Terence was that I had found someone that I truly could lay out all my warts and shortcomings and he still loved me through it all. He tries to reassure me about some of this (he doesn't think I'm as big of a fraud as I do), and I can accept his opinion to some degree better than anyone else because he knows me better than anyone else here on earth. He says that a lot of these fears come from Satan. That may be true, but it doesn't solve the problem for me. One of my personal weakness is pride, and I'd rather stay away from that as much as possible. I don't think God really wants me to turn around and start gushing in rapture (even mentally) about how wonderful I am. That doesn't quite square with the concept of humility for me. Mostly I'm just trying to cultivate an attitude of I'm not perfect but I'm trying hard and God will make up the difference. Just like all of us.
I just want to set the record straight so I don't feel like a hypocrite!
Disclaimer #2: Now, for my local friends who are reading this-- just because I want to make sure that you all know that I'm not some paragon of perfection, it doesn't mean that my life is so hectic that I cannot help you out when you need something. My shortcomings only mean that I recognize how much we all struggle with our different things and I want to help with what I can. Please don't think you are adding to my burden if I offer to help with something!
Lately I've been feeling kind of like a fraud.
Yes, a fraud. And that really bugs me because in general I'm in favor of honesty-- anyone who reads my blog should have some idea about my lack of filter. I tend to talk about how things really are, rather than pretty them up.
Still, I'm afraid I'm putting out this image of someone who really has it together. Especially on the church front. As if I'm one of the ultra-faithful sisters who has a rock solid testimony and a dedication that never falters-- oh, and who truly is filled with charity and loves all her neighbors and even her enemies.
I'm really not a spiritual giant.
I'm not any kind of giant. I have this sick kind of fear that no matter how much I try to put the "real me" out here (especially on my blog), in reality I'm pretending to be something that I'm not. I can't tell you how often (since I joined the social media world) I've had people tell me that they are in awe of everything I do. And I get embarrassed-- and a little pleased that people think so highly of me-- and then I feel like a complete hypocrite. There's part of me that is just so sure that if people really knew me-- knew me inside and out-- and could watch my life like a fly on the wall, they would be disappointed and shocked.
This isn't a new sensation in my life. All through high school, as I sat through my honors classes, I used to wonder if anyone would finally catch on that I wasn't really smart enough to be in that group. I was sure that my inclusion in those classes was just some kind of fluke and sooner or later everyone would find out the truth and it would all come crashing down on me. It even continued through college. I would look around at all the other students who were smarter and more gifted and wonder why on earth I had a scholarship. Just luck? In the end I decided that I was gifted-- at taking tests-- but that didn't equal true intelligence. I was in a hurry to graduate before my test-taking skills failed me and it became obvious that I wasn't a good enough student to be at the Y, let alone one on a scholarship, even a partial scholarship. When I read about the college grade inflation controversy, my first thought was "Oh, that's why I graduated with a decent gpa! It was grade inflation! Not because I was really doing well in school."
I can argue myself out of this-- I have tried-- but part of myself deep down, just knows that I am faking it. Whatever "it" is.
If you've ever heard me freak out when someone says I run marathons, it stems from this same problem. I'm afraid people are going to think I'm something I'm not, only to find out the truth later and wonder why I keep exaggerating. (For the record, I cannot run a marathon. I don't think I will ever be able to handle that kind of distance! There is a big difference between a sprint triathlon and a marathon. A difference of 23 miles of running!)
Of course, one of the best things about marrying Terence was that I had found someone that I truly could lay out all my warts and shortcomings and he still loved me through it all. He tries to reassure me about some of this (he doesn't think I'm as big of a fraud as I do), and I can accept his opinion to some degree better than anyone else because he knows me better than anyone else here on earth. He says that a lot of these fears come from Satan. That may be true, but it doesn't solve the problem for me. One of my personal weakness is pride, and I'd rather stay away from that as much as possible. I don't think God really wants me to turn around and start gushing in rapture (even mentally) about how wonderful I am. That doesn't quite square with the concept of humility for me. Mostly I'm just trying to cultivate an attitude of I'm not perfect but I'm trying hard and God will make up the difference. Just like all of us.
I just want to set the record straight so I don't feel like a hypocrite!
Disclaimer #2: Now, for my local friends who are reading this-- just because I want to make sure that you all know that I'm not some paragon of perfection, it doesn't mean that my life is so hectic that I cannot help you out when you need something. My shortcomings only mean that I recognize how much we all struggle with our different things and I want to help with what I can. Please don't think you are adding to my burden if I offer to help with something!
Comments
It helps me to see your faith. It helps keep mine from shattering at times, I think sometimes if I walked thru the doors the church might crumble to pieces at how mad I am at times...and I love you even more for understanding and accepting my crazy irrational self.
So maybe you are not perfect in the way you think of perfect. But you are surely perfect just the way you are for me :