Crazyhead about Connections
I just spent that last two days traumatized. Literally dragging and miserable and on the thin edge of sanity. What happened, you ask? Did one of the kids meet with an accident? Did Terence lose his job? Did tragedy strike our family? No.
Our internet connection was down.
Don't laugh at me. I know maybe I deserve it because who flips out over something so trivial? I was truly a basket case though. (So emotionally distraught that I snapped at Terence while on a phone call with him and hung up on him-- then left the phones off the hook so he couldn't call back-- all because he dared to laugh when I was near tears at the end of the first day of disconnect). We've lost our internet connection for varying amounts of time before but I've never had the reaction that I did this time. Where I felt like curling into a ball and refusing to move, or maybe pulling my own hair out.
I'm so dependent on a good high speed internet connection. For all kinds of things-- my news, my entertainment, my responsibilities at church, my friendships, my scripture study, blogging, my indexing, my exercise tracking, my food diary, my vacation planning, bill paying. . . I could go on and on and on. (I don't think this is unique, either.) Unlike most of my friends, I don't even have a smartphone or TV channels, so either I'm connected to the world through my computer or I'm pretty isolated.
Just the inability to update my fitness tracking and my food diary as I go through the day put me into a tailspin. Part of my battle against depression is intertwined with my battle against weight gain and without a food diary I felt like I had been KO'd by my own psyche. If I couldn't track my calories, for sure I was going to overeat, and before I knew it I would be 30 lbs heavier. I starting feeling miserable as if it was an already accomplished fact. Hence the desire to curl into fetal position and whimper. (It's taken so much time and effort to lose that 30 pounds. I just couldn't face starting over again.)
Why was it so hard this time? It was because originally we didn't think we would be able to get our connection up and running again until midway through July. Three weeks!!!! I just couldn't face the thought of three weeks without all of these net-driven tools and traditions that make up a huge chunk of my daily life. I only felt worse because when we went through all our options, trying to find another way to get different internet service, all we came back to was that we couldn't afford to make any changes. This constantly brought to mind all the money-related stress I've been facing recently which only added to the depression.
Now I can relax again. Still, it's got me thinking. Great internet service is not forever guaranteed. What if there is a natural disaster and we lose it for a long time? What if for financial reasons or other reasons we really do have to go without it? How will I cope? Yes, if we lose it in a disaster I'll probably have bigger fish to fry-- namely, survival-- but it will still almost certainly have that kind of emotional impact on me. How do I prepare for that? Can I prepare for that? Is it possible for someone like me to live without being connected at all?
Our internet connection was down.
Don't laugh at me. I know maybe I deserve it because who flips out over something so trivial? I was truly a basket case though. (So emotionally distraught that I snapped at Terence while on a phone call with him and hung up on him-- then left the phones off the hook so he couldn't call back-- all because he dared to laugh when I was near tears at the end of the first day of disconnect). We've lost our internet connection for varying amounts of time before but I've never had the reaction that I did this time. Where I felt like curling into a ball and refusing to move, or maybe pulling my own hair out.
I'm so dependent on a good high speed internet connection. For all kinds of things-- my news, my entertainment, my responsibilities at church, my friendships, my scripture study, blogging, my indexing, my exercise tracking, my food diary, my vacation planning, bill paying. . . I could go on and on and on. (I don't think this is unique, either.) Unlike most of my friends, I don't even have a smartphone or TV channels, so either I'm connected to the world through my computer or I'm pretty isolated.
Just the inability to update my fitness tracking and my food diary as I go through the day put me into a tailspin. Part of my battle against depression is intertwined with my battle against weight gain and without a food diary I felt like I had been KO'd by my own psyche. If I couldn't track my calories, for sure I was going to overeat, and before I knew it I would be 30 lbs heavier. I starting feeling miserable as if it was an already accomplished fact. Hence the desire to curl into fetal position and whimper. (It's taken so much time and effort to lose that 30 pounds. I just couldn't face starting over again.)
Why was it so hard this time? It was because originally we didn't think we would be able to get our connection up and running again until midway through July. Three weeks!!!! I just couldn't face the thought of three weeks without all of these net-driven tools and traditions that make up a huge chunk of my daily life. I only felt worse because when we went through all our options, trying to find another way to get different internet service, all we came back to was that we couldn't afford to make any changes. This constantly brought to mind all the money-related stress I've been facing recently which only added to the depression.
Now I can relax again. Still, it's got me thinking. Great internet service is not forever guaranteed. What if there is a natural disaster and we lose it for a long time? What if for financial reasons or other reasons we really do have to go without it? How will I cope? Yes, if we lose it in a disaster I'll probably have bigger fish to fry-- namely, survival-- but it will still almost certainly have that kind of emotional impact on me. How do I prepare for that? Can I prepare for that? Is it possible for someone like me to live without being connected at all?
Comments
I can relate to the panic. I was shopping at Walmart when they announced their systems had gone down and they could only accept cash or checks. I panicked, what would my family do? Then I realized I'd just have to go to a different store. But it did make me what to organize my food storage. But the emotional toll, I don't know how to prepare for. I fear change and have such a hard time adjusting to even minor changes that I fear I'll be a total mess if something bad really did happen to my family.
Glad your Internet is back because I really would miss reading your blog.
I can relate. I think my husband would be more upset them me, though.
you do everything through internet these days.