Changeable
Yesterday I had the privilege of attending the funeral for our friend Steve. With the experience fresh in my memory, I spent some time this morning in contemplation of my own life. Steve was my age, and if I were called home as suddenly as he was, would I have accomplished what I needed to in this life? At his funeral, friends and family stood up and gave very touching tributes that showed how although Steve wasn't perfect, he knew what was most important to him personally and he lived that.
What is most important to me, and do I live it?
I won't share most of my reflections (too private) but there was one area I was profoundly unhappy with myself with that I thought I'd share. For regular readers of my blog, it probably won't be a surprise. It has to do with my parenting. Of course, like all parents I have my weaknesses and I have areas where I don't know what the heck I am doing (I seem to have lost the instructions manuals that came with my five little bundles of joy sometime during the hospital stays), but those aside, there is one area where I just have to do better. It's losing my temper with my kids and yelling (and occasionally saying unkind things in the heat of the moment).
This failing has only gotten worse as the kids get older-- it would be a lot easier to be patient with my own learning curve if it seemed like I was making progress. I'm not. It's easier to yell at older kids. They are snotty and have attitudes sometimes. Sometimes they are flat-out provoking on purpose. (M in particular knows just the things to say to push my buttons.) My life is forty million times more hectic-- the stress of juggling so many things and endless to-do lists increases my pressure, making me more likely to explode out angrily at those closest to me over even little things. Hormones complicate this-- at certain times of the month I am more like to end up hysterically shouting or screaming (while crying at the same time). Making it worse, sometimes yelling is the only thing that seems to stop my kids in their tracks. I know it's only short term success with long term consequences, but I get desperate to get my children to listen sometimes.
It's not like I don't know that this is a problem. I've taken parenting classes, sought priesthood blessings, tried various new-agey solutions or mental tricks, and fasted and prayed desperately for help changing. Like I said, things seem to be getting worse, not better. I've read blog posts or articles on the internet, and these are often the opposite of helpful. Either they are commiserating about how impossible it is to change your parenting fails (trying to get you to accept yourself "as is") or it's the opposite direction ("you are ruining your children's lives, you heartless verbal abuser"). Neither approach seemed helpful to me in doing what I want to do, which is to find a way to parent without yelling or even getting out of control angry. (I will acknowledge that I think it's impossible to parent at all without ever getting angry, even if that anger is controlled or unexpressed.)
This morning I discovered the Orange Rhino project, a mom who set a goal to herself of not yelling at her kids for 365 straight days. Holy moly, that just sounds impossible. Totally and completely over the moon. But she did it. (It sounds like it took her longer than a year to do it.) I've just poked around a bit, but she's been the first person I've read with some concrete ideas on how to change this while actually still being a parent surrounded by the chaos of raising kids. Instead of just telling me "slow down and remember how much you love your kids" there were more specific ideas like yelling into the cupboards instead of at your kids or noting down your triggers and trying to find specific ways to address those triggers. Most of this stuff has occurred to me before, but this author is telling me that yes, it can be done even though it's hard.
I'm not going to give up. I don't know everything (actually, the older I get the less I realize I know) but I'm going to stay the course. I want my kids to stand up at my funeral (which hopefully will be a long, long time from now) and tell stories about their wild crazy-tempered mother who changed-- and gave them the hope and determination that they could change for the better also.
What is most important to me, and do I live it?
I won't share most of my reflections (too private) but there was one area I was profoundly unhappy with myself with that I thought I'd share. For regular readers of my blog, it probably won't be a surprise. It has to do with my parenting. Of course, like all parents I have my weaknesses and I have areas where I don't know what the heck I am doing (I seem to have lost the instructions manuals that came with my five little bundles of joy sometime during the hospital stays), but those aside, there is one area where I just have to do better. It's losing my temper with my kids and yelling (and occasionally saying unkind things in the heat of the moment).
This failing has only gotten worse as the kids get older-- it would be a lot easier to be patient with my own learning curve if it seemed like I was making progress. I'm not. It's easier to yell at older kids. They are snotty and have attitudes sometimes. Sometimes they are flat-out provoking on purpose. (M in particular knows just the things to say to push my buttons.) My life is forty million times more hectic-- the stress of juggling so many things and endless to-do lists increases my pressure, making me more likely to explode out angrily at those closest to me over even little things. Hormones complicate this-- at certain times of the month I am more like to end up hysterically shouting or screaming (while crying at the same time). Making it worse, sometimes yelling is the only thing that seems to stop my kids in their tracks. I know it's only short term success with long term consequences, but I get desperate to get my children to listen sometimes.
It's not like I don't know that this is a problem. I've taken parenting classes, sought priesthood blessings, tried various new-agey solutions or mental tricks, and fasted and prayed desperately for help changing. Like I said, things seem to be getting worse, not better. I've read blog posts or articles on the internet, and these are often the opposite of helpful. Either they are commiserating about how impossible it is to change your parenting fails (trying to get you to accept yourself "as is") or it's the opposite direction ("you are ruining your children's lives, you heartless verbal abuser"). Neither approach seemed helpful to me in doing what I want to do, which is to find a way to parent without yelling or even getting out of control angry. (I will acknowledge that I think it's impossible to parent at all without ever getting angry, even if that anger is controlled or unexpressed.)
This morning I discovered the Orange Rhino project, a mom who set a goal to herself of not yelling at her kids for 365 straight days. Holy moly, that just sounds impossible. Totally and completely over the moon. But she did it. (It sounds like it took her longer than a year to do it.) I've just poked around a bit, but she's been the first person I've read with some concrete ideas on how to change this while actually still being a parent surrounded by the chaos of raising kids. Instead of just telling me "slow down and remember how much you love your kids" there were more specific ideas like yelling into the cupboards instead of at your kids or noting down your triggers and trying to find specific ways to address those triggers. Most of this stuff has occurred to me before, but this author is telling me that yes, it can be done even though it's hard.
I'm not going to give up. I don't know everything (actually, the older I get the less I realize I know) but I'm going to stay the course. I want my kids to stand up at my funeral (which hopefully will be a long, long time from now) and tell stories about their wild crazy-tempered mother who changed-- and gave them the hope and determination that they could change for the better also.
Comments
I think that's fantastic that you were able to make it 28 days! I decided this morning that I'm going to tackle just today. Just today I'm going to make it all the way through the day without yelling. So far so good-- no yelling during the morning rush. The next big hurdles are homework, chores and bedtime. If I can just make it through those....