Secret Matters
I can't post a poll and not explain it...that just wouldn't be fair.
Actually, I'm not going to give you a full explanation of how this subject came up, but in discussing somebody else's situation, my husband and I had a pretty significant difference of opinion on this whole secret-keeping-from-your-spouse thing.
Before I begin, in the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that I am in the category of someone who keeps minor secrets from Terence. (I can say that on here because the chances of him reading my blog are slim!) I do have a pretty forgiving husband, and in most cases there's no reason to hide from him that I ate half a box of Fudgesicles in one day, but sometimes I guess I'm too embarrassed to let him in on the whole truth and nothing but the truth of my day. I never lie to him though. I guess if he asked me straight out, "Did you eat that box of Fudgesicles or did the kids?" I would have to tell him it was me. But there's no reason to bring it up if he hasn't noticed!!!
Well, Terence feels this gray area of not-bringing-stuff-up applies to even major things that occurred before your marriage. So if your spouse never asks you if you once gambled away $30,000 in a wild weekend in Las Vegas, you don't have to say anything. (Even if you are still paying off that debt.) If you once eloped and had the marriage annulled, you don't have to say anything (even if some lady could later show up demanding child support.) Or if you had a liaison with a hot Argentinian, as long as it was before you were married, it can be swept under the rug.
I had to disagree. I'm not saying that if you've made some major mistakes in your life, or had a really poor decision in there somewhere, you're somehow less of a person. I just feel that in the interest of having a strong marriage, it's better if the major things (especially ones where the consequences are still lingering) are aired before you tie the knot.
It's a matter of trust, I guess. There's nothing worse than finding out that your husband owes a loan shark money several years after you marry him. Or something similar. You know, all that fun stuff they dig up on you should you ever run for a political office.
But Terence says it's not about trust. He believes that if it was in the past, it doesn't really matter much. Plus he suggested that maybe sometimes people just take a really long time to build up the courage to broach the subject. Or that maybe they forgot about it. ("Oh, yeah, honey, I did declare bankruptcy the year before we got married. I just forgot about it!")
So does that make me a hypocrite? That I can accept it and even act that way when it comes to little things, and disapprove of keeping the bigger secrets? Integrity is integrity, right? What do you think?
Actually, I'm not going to give you a full explanation of how this subject came up, but in discussing somebody else's situation, my husband and I had a pretty significant difference of opinion on this whole secret-keeping-from-your-spouse thing.
Before I begin, in the interest of full disclosure, I must tell you that I am in the category of someone who keeps minor secrets from Terence. (I can say that on here because the chances of him reading my blog are slim!) I do have a pretty forgiving husband, and in most cases there's no reason to hide from him that I ate half a box of Fudgesicles in one day, but sometimes I guess I'm too embarrassed to let him in on the whole truth and nothing but the truth of my day. I never lie to him though. I guess if he asked me straight out, "Did you eat that box of Fudgesicles or did the kids?" I would have to tell him it was me. But there's no reason to bring it up if he hasn't noticed!!!
Well, Terence feels this gray area of not-bringing-stuff-up applies to even major things that occurred before your marriage. So if your spouse never asks you if you once gambled away $30,000 in a wild weekend in Las Vegas, you don't have to say anything. (Even if you are still paying off that debt.) If you once eloped and had the marriage annulled, you don't have to say anything (even if some lady could later show up demanding child support.) Or if you had a liaison with a hot Argentinian, as long as it was before you were married, it can be swept under the rug.
I had to disagree. I'm not saying that if you've made some major mistakes in your life, or had a really poor decision in there somewhere, you're somehow less of a person. I just feel that in the interest of having a strong marriage, it's better if the major things (especially ones where the consequences are still lingering) are aired before you tie the knot.
It's a matter of trust, I guess. There's nothing worse than finding out that your husband owes a loan shark money several years after you marry him. Or something similar. You know, all that fun stuff they dig up on you should you ever run for a political office.
But Terence says it's not about trust. He believes that if it was in the past, it doesn't really matter much. Plus he suggested that maybe sometimes people just take a really long time to build up the courage to broach the subject. Or that maybe they forgot about it. ("Oh, yeah, honey, I did declare bankruptcy the year before we got married. I just forgot about it!")
So does that make me a hypocrite? That I can accept it and even act that way when it comes to little things, and disapprove of keeping the bigger secrets? Integrity is integrity, right? What do you think?
Comments
However, I think it is very important to tell your spouse or fiance anything you would personally like to know if the tables were turned. I say no big secrets in a marriage, I think it can harm a relationship. And no lying- of course.
As for things in the past, I agree to a point and disagree also. Just because it happened before you were married doesn't mean it won't affect your marriage in some way. If it truly won't--you lost $20 gambling at a casino when you knew you shouldn't and then repented for it--then that's between you and the Lord and the Lord only. Your spouse doesn't need to know that. You've been forgiven by the only person who matters so bringing it up again to your spouse out of some sense of obligation to disclose EVERYTHING is stupid. On the other hand, having premarital sex is something that probably should be discussed, if for no other reason than the possibility of STDs, unexpected children, and the idea that your spouse might somehow feel betrayed if you hid it from them. It is because the consequences of your actions might very well affect your future with your spouse in some large way is good enough reason to broach the subject with them. However, if you've repented and been forgiven, there is no reason your spouse should hold it against you, either. Ever. It is not up to them to forgive you for something that happened before you met them and that you've already gone through the repentence process for. So in THAT sense I can see what Terence is saying. What's in the past stays in the past. But $30,000 in debt or hiding a bankrupcy very much affects your marriage together and everything you've worked for so that definitely must be brought up.
To sum up, if there are continuing consequences from your past actions, you should probably discuss it with your spouse to make sure they know what the deal is, what they're getting into, and how best to support you. If there aren't continuing consequences that will affect your future and you've gone through the repentence process, I don't see the point of hashing out old, non-existent issues that are none of their business. Your lives have not always been one whole, only up until the time you committed yourselves to one another. Your whole life does not necessarily need to be shared before then except for in cases where your past affects both of your futures.
(If he ever does read this I'm going to have some explaining to do :-)
Yeah, I buy more than the husband knows about too. I'm expecting a gourmet box of chocolate covered potato chips in the mail any minute now. I NEEDED THEM. He just doens't understand.