Apparently, Fights Aren't Always a Bad Thing

I read so many marriage improvement books you'd think that my marriage must be on the rocks or something. Well, that's definitely not the case, but for some reason I find the subject fascinating. Besides, nearly every book I read inspires me to do more for my relationship with Terence, which may be why I do have such a happy marriage.

So yesterday when I ran across a new book on marriage at the library, of course I picked it up. I really didn't intend to-- I already have a stack of books to read, ranging from a new Shannon Hale to a young adult fantasy to a book on physics research to a travel book on Siberia. (My tastes range all over the place, don't you think? No wonder I couldn't settle on a minor in college.)

Anyway, the marriage book is For Better: The Science of Marriage, by Tara Parker-Pope. So far I've found all the scientific research on why people stay married (and happily married) to be intriguing. There are a whole bunch of quizzes to take also, the ones the researchers used, and so far, they've proven what I already know: Terence and I have a relationship that is strong and happy. But a couple of things I found so interesting I just have to share. First, did you know that, talking points notwithstanding, the divorce rate is not skyrocketing nearly as badly as you might think it is? It turns out that for those of us who got married in the 90's or later, so far we are doing way, way better than our parents. Those 50% divorce rates that everybody keeps bandying around actually apply to couples who married in the 1970's. Our generation is doing significantly better, even adjusted for the fact that we haven't been married as long yet. There's a whole lot of interesting theories on why this may be so, but the point the author makes I happen to agree with. Telling everybody under the sun that divorce rates are 60 or 70 percent can be harmful because you end up with people thinking divorce is the norm. Instead, the vast majority of us younger married couples actually have excellent odds of sticking it out. Go figure!

The other part I had found quite interesting was that couples who argue a lot their first year of marriage actually do better over the long run than those who don't have much in the way of conflict at the beginning. The researchers explain this by suggesting that couples who fight a lot in the beginning learn to resolve their big issues early on, rather than ignoring them and letting them grow into much bigger issues later. Oddly enough, this parallels my own marriage quite accurately. Terence and I fought A LOT our first year. Seriously. One particular nasty night we got into a yelling match that ended up with me managing to rip his toenail off by yanking the door open onto his foot (I was trying to leave because I was so angry). Then my darling former-football player husband literally tackled me and threw me on the bed. It sounds hilarious now, and I'm smiling even as I type this, but at the time we were furious at each other. But the result of all those fights was that we learned some very important things about our communication styles and amazingly enough, we learned to resolve some of the things that could have killed our relationship over time. So here we are, ten years later, and those early days are just entertaining memories. Who would have guessed that fighting could be so good for us?