Sleep Has Deserted Me, the Traitor

Back in high school, I would have these nights when I just couldn't shut my brain down for the night. My hours of sleep were pretty short to begin with-- I had a part time job, I was taking nearly every honors-level or AP class I could, and I was also attending early morning seminary. Some days I would not finish my homework until near midnight, yet I would need to be up at 5am so I could make it to seminary. Being short on sleep (especially during my junior and senior years) was just a fact of life.

It got even worse on occasion because I would suffer from this awful insomnia. I would toss and turn and look and my clock and panic. "I have to get to sleep! I'm going to have to get up in four hours." Then I would toss restlessly for awhile longer. "Oh no! I only have three more hours to sleep! What is wrong with me?" The more I stressed about falling asleep, the harder it got, no matter how tired I was.

For whatever reason, I rarely experienced this anymore when I got to college. Maybe because I was staying up late on purpose, so it wasn't so stressful! And then as a missionary, and later as a mom, I was permanently too exhausted to do anything more than manage to stay awake long enough to pray. (The exception to this was during the pregnancies, but everyone knows that insomnia is kind of a given when you are hugely pregnant.)

However, this last week has been a nightmare flashback to the past. My children all sleep through the night. I am not hugely pregnant and uncomfortable. I get up early and by bedtime I am so wiped out I'll doze off trying to read the kids scriptures or stories. There is no reason I should have any trouble going to sleep. Yet by the time I stumble into bed, I find myself tossing and turning and unable to get to sleep for several hours. Yes, HOURS. Something is definitely wrong.

At first I thought maybe it was the caffeine. I've been raiding Terence's stash of Diet Mtn. Dew and Diet Dr. Pepper quite a bit lately, just so I can drive without falling asleep. But I figured that since my caffeine tolerance has gotten so low, maybe it was the caffeine keeping me awake. So I completely cut out the soda. No effect. I tried listening to relaxation stuff when going to bed-- no help. Last night, as I watched my digital clock blink its way closer to my 4:30am alarm, I gave in and swiped some of B's melatonin, desperate for any kind of help at all. It worked, at first. But by 2am I was awake and tossing again.

I wonder if it could be our mattress though. Two of my desperate nights I ended up on the couch, where I was able to drift off right away. Terence and I got this mattress as a wedding present, so maybe at ten years old it is just not working for me anymore. But how can I tell? Plus, we don't have any money for a new mattress right now. (One of the worries that kept me agitated last night was the dental insurance statement we got last night. Apparently they are denying $750 of my claim, and who knows where that is going to come from if we can't get it cleared up somehow.)

Any advice for the insomniac? Could it be something else? Should I just give up and resign myself to sleeping on the couch? One thing is certain-- I can't keep going like this. Otherwise I am going to lose my mind.