Reframing
S had her first birthday earlier this month-- I can hardly believe it! Time is passing so fast. Not only that, but S seems determined to leave babyhood faster than any of her siblings before her. She was walking by 9 months and right now she looks like she's ready to start running. She climbs everything (whoa, get down off the dryer door!), relocates all kinds of things (who dropped this sippy cup in the toilet?), breaks dishes (who left that plate in S's reach?), and writes on things with markers (who left that marker lid off?). She's also in the stage of loving to throw things in the garbage can that aren't trash. Most of the time, she is aided and abetted by four older siblings that leave doors open and toddler-unfriendly items within reach. Of course, all of my kids have reached this stage by 15-18 months, but S is just determined to do it early. Maybe this means she'll leave behind the destructive stage earlier? One can hope. . . .
Losing my baby for this active toddler has had an effect on me that I didn't expect. I caught myself actually longing for another baby this week. I even had a moment of panic of wondering if there was another child "meant" for our family, and I had done the unforgivable in making the permanent birth control decision. But after a little more pondering on the matter, I recognized it for what it was-- missing my baby who is growing up.
When Terence and I had S, we already felt like we were done on a rational level. Financially we really are kind of at our limits. Our space is tight and we can afford neither a larger house nor a bigger car. Terence's salary is maxed out-- he will never make more money other than the rare cost of living increase, unless he changes jobs. And these kids just seem to get more expensive as they get older :-) Emotionally I am at my limits also. We walk a fine line in making sure that I don't plunge headfirst back into depression again. Overall, we just felt that it was wise for us to be done having kids after S. When the post-pregnancy complications made that certain, and we made the decision for a tubal ligation, I felt confirmation that this was the right decision for us.
When I went through a period of mourning the end of my reproducing days, I had several people express the opinion that maybe we should have just opted for birth control rather than doing something permanent. I knew we had made the right decision for our family though, even though I had some moments of panic afterwards. This was brought home to me this week again when I had those baby longings. For a moment, my train of thought went like this: "Well, maybe we could have handled one more. I could make everything stretch a little more. We could've fit one more kid in the boys' room. I could have done it. . ." and then reality came back to me again. Yes, I could have . . . assuming I survived having the baby. Yeah, there is that itsy bitsy detail. We made this decision to guarantee that my kids had their mother here, helping to raise them. Again I felt the confirmation that we had made the right decision. Permanent is not always a bad thing.
So instead of focusing on the fact that I'm losing my last baby, I'm going to focus on the positive. I'm here to watch my beautiful little girl grow into toddlerhood! What an adventure it is!!
Losing my baby for this active toddler has had an effect on me that I didn't expect. I caught myself actually longing for another baby this week. I even had a moment of panic of wondering if there was another child "meant" for our family, and I had done the unforgivable in making the permanent birth control decision. But after a little more pondering on the matter, I recognized it for what it was-- missing my baby who is growing up.
When Terence and I had S, we already felt like we were done on a rational level. Financially we really are kind of at our limits. Our space is tight and we can afford neither a larger house nor a bigger car. Terence's salary is maxed out-- he will never make more money other than the rare cost of living increase, unless he changes jobs. And these kids just seem to get more expensive as they get older :-) Emotionally I am at my limits also. We walk a fine line in making sure that I don't plunge headfirst back into depression again. Overall, we just felt that it was wise for us to be done having kids after S. When the post-pregnancy complications made that certain, and we made the decision for a tubal ligation, I felt confirmation that this was the right decision for us.
When I went through a period of mourning the end of my reproducing days, I had several people express the opinion that maybe we should have just opted for birth control rather than doing something permanent. I knew we had made the right decision for our family though, even though I had some moments of panic afterwards. This was brought home to me this week again when I had those baby longings. For a moment, my train of thought went like this: "Well, maybe we could have handled one more. I could make everything stretch a little more. We could've fit one more kid in the boys' room. I could have done it. . ." and then reality came back to me again. Yes, I could have . . . assuming I survived having the baby. Yeah, there is that itsy bitsy detail. We made this decision to guarantee that my kids had their mother here, helping to raise them. Again I felt the confirmation that we had made the right decision. Permanent is not always a bad thing.
So instead of focusing on the fact that I'm losing my last baby, I'm going to focus on the positive. I'm here to watch my beautiful little girl grow into toddlerhood! What an adventure it is!!
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