Guilty or Not Guilty
I really should skip reading the parenting magazines.
Today at the gym I rifled through the stacks of magazines that people donate so I could have some reading material while I logged my hour on the bike. Easily eliminated were all the tabloids; they just aren't my style at all. I'd already read all the Fortune copies, and I've given up on Time magazine not irritating me. Everything else was so old I'd read it through at least twice before, so that left me with the latest issue of Parenting.
(gulp)
Still, I was desperate for something to distract me from the utter boredom of riding a stationary bike. So I took the magazine with me, hoping that maybe this time I would actually enjoy the articles, or at least the pictures. I should have gone with Time instead.
There was a time in my life when I did, in fact, enjoy parenting magazines. It was that period from when I was expecting my first child to when my second child was born. You know, before I entered the big leagues of the child-raising roller coaster. With a highly energetic, independent, destructive two-year-old and a newborn baby, suddenly all the cute ideas and the latest articles on how to be a great mom only induced guilt.
You know what I'm talking about, don't you? All those articles telling you all that stuff you HAVE to do to raise a happy, healthy, successful, achieving child. For example, today's guilt-invoking reading included an article haranguing us on the evils of letting your kids play too many video games. "They teach them to be violent! They cause obesity! They become addictive! Never, ever use them as a babysitter!!" All things that I agree with in theory, but in real life in our home, video games are a very constant presence.
As for the rest of the magazine, at this point I just have to laugh. How do people honestly have the time to do all those cute little crafts with their kids? Who has the money to buy all those "educational" toys that they describe as must-haves? And as for all the kiddie fashion stuff, I don't even care if my kids' clothes match. They're lucky if I brush their hair before we head out the door. (Honestly, are you going to pick out your children's clothes and groom them until they are twelve? And do you really think they care if their clothes are perfectly coordinated and chic? Not my kids. Not at this age, anyway.)
One topic that the parenting literature always touches on is the latest developmental stages and screenings to make sure your child is normal (whatever that is.) And they always emphasize early intervention-- that you should get your child treated, therapied, specially tutored, and drilled to make up for whatever shortcomings in "development" they may have. Now, I'm not saying that there isn't a place for this because I know there is, and it can be very helpful. But in my case, it became an albatross hanging around my neck for years. When J was 12 months old, his pediatrician started freaking out about his speech being delayed. She referred him for "early intervention" but it didn't work out. (The speech lady called to set an appointment, found out we weren't Navajo, and then never came. I guess speech therapy when you live on the rez is only for actual tribal members.) Anyway, the theme of getting J's speech evaluated recurred at frequent intervals, and I just never did anything about it.
Procrastination is a big fault of mine. So I ended up with massive guilt for not giving my son all the help he needed to become a successful adult, egged on by every parenting article I ever read.
Well, all that ended yesterday. See, I finally got J's speech tested now that he's in kindergarten. When the speech therapist called me yesterday, she informed me that in most areas, J is well beyond his age in speech abilities. In fact, she was extremely surprised to learn that J could only speak two words at 15 months and didn't speak in sentences until he was three.
The verdict: Mom, you are NOT GUILTY of neglecting your child's development! Your son was just moving on his own timetable rather than matching the charts for the "normal" child.
Tomorrow when I go to the gym I'm just going to leave the parenting magazines on the shelf.
Today at the gym I rifled through the stacks of magazines that people donate so I could have some reading material while I logged my hour on the bike. Easily eliminated were all the tabloids; they just aren't my style at all. I'd already read all the Fortune copies, and I've given up on Time magazine not irritating me. Everything else was so old I'd read it through at least twice before, so that left me with the latest issue of Parenting.
(gulp)
Still, I was desperate for something to distract me from the utter boredom of riding a stationary bike. So I took the magazine with me, hoping that maybe this time I would actually enjoy the articles, or at least the pictures. I should have gone with Time instead.
There was a time in my life when I did, in fact, enjoy parenting magazines. It was that period from when I was expecting my first child to when my second child was born. You know, before I entered the big leagues of the child-raising roller coaster. With a highly energetic, independent, destructive two-year-old and a newborn baby, suddenly all the cute ideas and the latest articles on how to be a great mom only induced guilt.
You know what I'm talking about, don't you? All those articles telling you all that stuff you HAVE to do to raise a happy, healthy, successful, achieving child. For example, today's guilt-invoking reading included an article haranguing us on the evils of letting your kids play too many video games. "They teach them to be violent! They cause obesity! They become addictive! Never, ever use them as a babysitter!!" All things that I agree with in theory, but in real life in our home, video games are a very constant presence.
As for the rest of the magazine, at this point I just have to laugh. How do people honestly have the time to do all those cute little crafts with their kids? Who has the money to buy all those "educational" toys that they describe as must-haves? And as for all the kiddie fashion stuff, I don't even care if my kids' clothes match. They're lucky if I brush their hair before we head out the door. (Honestly, are you going to pick out your children's clothes and groom them until they are twelve? And do you really think they care if their clothes are perfectly coordinated and chic? Not my kids. Not at this age, anyway.)
One topic that the parenting literature always touches on is the latest developmental stages and screenings to make sure your child is normal (whatever that is.) And they always emphasize early intervention-- that you should get your child treated, therapied, specially tutored, and drilled to make up for whatever shortcomings in "development" they may have. Now, I'm not saying that there isn't a place for this because I know there is, and it can be very helpful. But in my case, it became an albatross hanging around my neck for years. When J was 12 months old, his pediatrician started freaking out about his speech being delayed. She referred him for "early intervention" but it didn't work out. (The speech lady called to set an appointment, found out we weren't Navajo, and then never came. I guess speech therapy when you live on the rez is only for actual tribal members.) Anyway, the theme of getting J's speech evaluated recurred at frequent intervals, and I just never did anything about it.
Procrastination is a big fault of mine. So I ended up with massive guilt for not giving my son all the help he needed to become a successful adult, egged on by every parenting article I ever read.
Well, all that ended yesterday. See, I finally got J's speech tested now that he's in kindergarten. When the speech therapist called me yesterday, she informed me that in most areas, J is well beyond his age in speech abilities. In fact, she was extremely surprised to learn that J could only speak two words at 15 months and didn't speak in sentences until he was three.
The verdict: Mom, you are NOT GUILTY of neglecting your child's development! Your son was just moving on his own timetable rather than matching the charts for the "normal" child.
Tomorrow when I go to the gym I'm just going to leave the parenting magazines on the shelf.
Comments
I had the same thing with my 2nd child who didn't talk until 2 or 3 and eventually took her to a specialist on the urging of my sister - helped little because she was so young. My next one that needed help I waited and waited until kindergarten and she fixed her self in a few months and has been fine every since. By my last child I recognized an extreme case and he got the help he needed at about 3 1/2 and over the next year he came an extremely long ways. In the end go with your instinct and let the guilt subside. Long term damage is very unusual when you are trying to do your best.