Surprise!

Life turned upside down again in our house yesterday. I guess that's one of the ways life keeps us on our toes-- nothing ever goes exactly like you plan.

Since I'm not a very good secret keeper, I'll go ahead and share the news now-- I'm expecting baby #5.

! ! ! ! !

At least that was my reaction yesterday. After all, Terence and I were pretty sure that with four kids we were done. Especially since my pregnancy history is fraught with complications and I'm not so young anymore. So much for that, right?

I know traditionally you're supposed to keep spreading this news to a minimum until you get out of the first trimester. At least most women I know follow this logic, just in case they lose the baby. And really, you would think that logic would doubly apply to me, seeing as I have had four miscarriages before and I'm at high risk to do it again. But I've found that keeping a miscarriage a secret does me no good either-- at least it's easier for me if I can explain to people (or Terence can explain on my behalf) why I'm a wreck.

This time I'm especially worried because of the kidney stone last week. All the drugs I had in my system for five days are bad enough-- but what worries me the most is the CT scan. Nothing like an extra concentrated dose of radiation directed right at my abdomen.

I'm really trying to put the fears out of my mind. This is all in the Lord's hands, when it comes down to it. Everything will go fine or it won't, but in the large scheme of things everything WILL be fine.

Still, I can't help but be a little scared-- and conflicted. I really didn't want to be pregnant again. But at the same time I can't face the thought of losing another baby. And I feel guilty for all the possible trauma inflicted on the baby last week, although there really wasn't anything I could have done about that, and we didn't know I was pregnant so it wasn't like it was on purpose.

(Maybe those pregnancy hormones are all getting to me, eh?)

Well, Monday I have an appointment with my family doctor to discuss the kidney stone/gall stones stuff, and I guess we see what they say about it. Hopefully it's reassuring, right?